Hello, gents!
After a lot of thought, I think I could really use a guy's perspective on something that we're going through right now.
I'm 30, H is the same age and we have no kids. We've been together nearly 8 years now.
Me: successful niche career, work full-time regularly, plus take on freelance projects when possible. "Hard work" was instilled in me from an early age by my blue-collar dad. As a woman, it was always important to me to take care of myself and not expect a man (or anyone really) to take care of me.
H: well-educated, extremely smart...also extremely insecure and I believe afraid of failure. He has no career, over the past year and a half, he's had several temporary contracts that ended without notice, leaving him unemployed. In 2013, he will have spent approx 7-8 weeks not working.
Now...what I have learned is that H absolutely hates this. He finally told me he's ashamed at how much he has to lean on me, that I pay all our bills and take care of everything and he keeps getting let down on the job front. But...as he's unemployed again and has been the last 2 weeks...I caught him in a lie about job-hunting. Turns out, that entire first week he wasn't working...he didn't bother to look for, let alone apply for a single job. His logic in lying about looking: "I know you're already stressed about this enough, I don't want to make it worse." and his logic for not looking immediately: "Our immediate problem is getting through Christmas...I figured what's the point of looking, even if I got a job tomorrow, I wouldn't get paid before Christmas."
Well, after that, we had a pretty sizeable fight. The bottom line of that: I just felt used. From my perspective, it felt like I was alone...that I was the one who was supposed to figure all our bills and finances out, adjust our life to make sure I can keep us both afloat. His biggest point: he hates his being unemployed as much as I do, he didn't ask for this. Also, he's admittedly depressed, which as a person with depression problems myself, I know how daunting and dark this can be.
After that fight, things have certainly changed...he has applied for several jobs, he looks for work every day and spends more time working around the house, as well.
But, with all this...I have to confess: I'm tired of carrying us. I feel like it's just my role now and that I don't really have a choice. As dumb as it sounds, I'm kind of jealous of him. I have no idea what it's like to be taken care of in such a fashion and I can't remember the last time I had nearly two months off of work in a years' time...if ever.
In all honesty, though...I still love him more than anything. I'm not going anywhere, I DO believe this is temporary...but how do I get through this "waiting" period? Any guys who've ever been in a similar situation, what's the best thing your SO did to help you/keep you going? As it is...despite my faith in God, us and our love...I'm still kind of angry and throwing myself a pity party...and it makes it hard to stay positive.
But...what can I do for now?
After a lot of thought, I think I could really use a guy's perspective on something that we're going through right now.
I'm 30, H is the same age and we have no kids. We've been together nearly 8 years now.
Me: successful niche career, work full-time regularly, plus take on freelance projects when possible. "Hard work" was instilled in me from an early age by my blue-collar dad. As a woman, it was always important to me to take care of myself and not expect a man (or anyone really) to take care of me.
H: well-educated, extremely smart...also extremely insecure and I believe afraid of failure. He has no career, over the past year and a half, he's had several temporary contracts that ended without notice, leaving him unemployed. In 2013, he will have spent approx 7-8 weeks not working.
Now...what I have learned is that H absolutely hates this. He finally told me he's ashamed at how much he has to lean on me, that I pay all our bills and take care of everything and he keeps getting let down on the job front. But...as he's unemployed again and has been the last 2 weeks...I caught him in a lie about job-hunting. Turns out, that entire first week he wasn't working...he didn't bother to look for, let alone apply for a single job. His logic in lying about looking: "I know you're already stressed about this enough, I don't want to make it worse." and his logic for not looking immediately: "Our immediate problem is getting through Christmas...I figured what's the point of looking, even if I got a job tomorrow, I wouldn't get paid before Christmas."
Well, after that, we had a pretty sizeable fight. The bottom line of that: I just felt used. From my perspective, it felt like I was alone...that I was the one who was supposed to figure all our bills and finances out, adjust our life to make sure I can keep us both afloat. His biggest point: he hates his being unemployed as much as I do, he didn't ask for this. Also, he's admittedly depressed, which as a person with depression problems myself, I know how daunting and dark this can be.
After that fight, things have certainly changed...he has applied for several jobs, he looks for work every day and spends more time working around the house, as well.
But, with all this...I have to confess: I'm tired of carrying us. I feel like it's just my role now and that I don't really have a choice. As dumb as it sounds, I'm kind of jealous of him. I have no idea what it's like to be taken care of in such a fashion and I can't remember the last time I had nearly two months off of work in a years' time...if ever.
In all honesty, though...I still love him more than anything. I'm not going anywhere, I DO believe this is temporary...but how do I get through this "waiting" period? Any guys who've ever been in a similar situation, what's the best thing your SO did to help you/keep you going? As it is...despite my faith in God, us and our love...I'm still kind of angry and throwing myself a pity party...and it makes it hard to stay positive.
But...what can I do for now?
Put the internet to work for you.
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