I have concerns about my marriage, surviving whatever this is. As of lately, we have been in limbo, so to speak, we haven't had sex in 3 months and I have thrown out the word divorce. We have been together 4 years, married 2. We are having intimacy issues, as well as control and communication issues. I admit that through the course of our 2 year marriage it has been rocky from the start. My husband proposed (married 4 months later) when he found out his mother was terminally ill with cancer, bc he wanted to be able to tell her he was going to be okay. Though not the proposal every girl dreams of, but it was bittersweet and I will always cherish that. When we were planning the wedding my husband made it clear that we were to do it here he wanted etc. I have a large family and he doesn't. I gave up having both of my great grandparents come and I will always regret not being able to have her there. I am super close with my family and my husband has never had the relationship with his family members until after his mother's passing. We moved up 2 weeks before the wedding and moved in with his sister and her family and their newborn baby 2 months. We never went on a honeymoon and never had the "honey moon phase." I will admit that maybe I have been a little bitter about that ever since. Moving when he wanted. Getting married so fast. Though these were choices I "chose" also, because I wanted him to be happy, especially after losing his mother.
I've became very depressed and lonely here in Seattle & only get to see my family once a yr, bc he wants to spend holidays w/ his family, and my husband told me I needed to get therapy or medication. So I did. I went to a therapist who told me that my husband was a little controlling and stopped seeing her. I tried multiple types of medications and my hormones were all over the place. He has always blamed it on a "sickness" that I have. That if I wasn't depressed then I would love it here. Though it's been two years of fighting and being homesick. I feel like I haven't found my niche here. This isn't news to him at all. He says that its only because I'm depressed. And I've come to the realization that maybe doing something life changing AFTER something life changing was the worst decision we could make.
We have always had issues from the bedroom, though when my husband and I were dating we never really had sex. And I thought for the longest time that it was sweet because all he wanted to do was cuddle and be affectionate. I am an extremely affectionate person, I show my "love" through making love. I love cuddling and all that jazz, but on a larger scale I have a high drive and need to have sex, I have been to therapy and have come to find that certain childhood experiences have led me to this sort of thinking or wanting to only show or feel love through sex, not that I don't love cuddling or hugging and doing non-physical things but this is just the thing that has come to make sense for me. He says that he loves when we do and loves that I have a high drive, though he feels bad when I try to initiate because he turns me down because he's not in the mood. I get it. For a while I was okay with it. I was okay with once a month and taking care of business on my own.
I stopped trying to initiate any intimacy to avoid my feelings or self-esteem from getting hurt. I will wait for him to initiate because he has told me that he doesn't like when I do, because he doesn't want to turn me down. He will then only initiate it when I mention that it's been a month. Then I start feeling like the only reason he does want to have sex is because I say something. I've mentioned that maybe it is something medical and even when we were dating he said he'd go to the doctor and just see, which he hasnt until recently when i dropped the D word and results came back as Low-Testosterone. So now its gotten to the point where I cringe watching a love scene on a movie or show. We don't make out and usually that's when I know he's initiating sex is when he does try to make out. It used to be fun and surprising at first. But now its awkward and I feel like I'm learning to kiss or learning how he kisses for the first time. And it definitely kills the mood. My self-esteem has tethered during this and I used to be more outgoing in the bedroom.
I will say he has been in the last month been trying. Though now my issue is. I feel like I have given so much of myself for 2 years without anything in return, that now I am ready for something more. My sex drive has deteriorated and I have not been in the mood at all. But how do you want someone who has shown you in the past they don't want you. Apart of me is ready for divorce and a part of me is scared and doesn't want to lose him, because we do have some sort of connection. I just don't want to deal with this for years. Do I just bite my tongue and let him keep trying. Or do I let it go. It saddens me bc we are both withholding love we could be getting but where do I start to be intimate again and have it feel natural.
I've became very depressed and lonely here in Seattle & only get to see my family once a yr, bc he wants to spend holidays w/ his family, and my husband told me I needed to get therapy or medication. So I did. I went to a therapist who told me that my husband was a little controlling and stopped seeing her. I tried multiple types of medications and my hormones were all over the place. He has always blamed it on a "sickness" that I have. That if I wasn't depressed then I would love it here. Though it's been two years of fighting and being homesick. I feel like I haven't found my niche here. This isn't news to him at all. He says that its only because I'm depressed. And I've come to the realization that maybe doing something life changing AFTER something life changing was the worst decision we could make.
We have always had issues from the bedroom, though when my husband and I were dating we never really had sex. And I thought for the longest time that it was sweet because all he wanted to do was cuddle and be affectionate. I am an extremely affectionate person, I show my "love" through making love. I love cuddling and all that jazz, but on a larger scale I have a high drive and need to have sex, I have been to therapy and have come to find that certain childhood experiences have led me to this sort of thinking or wanting to only show or feel love through sex, not that I don't love cuddling or hugging and doing non-physical things but this is just the thing that has come to make sense for me. He says that he loves when we do and loves that I have a high drive, though he feels bad when I try to initiate because he turns me down because he's not in the mood. I get it. For a while I was okay with it. I was okay with once a month and taking care of business on my own.
I stopped trying to initiate any intimacy to avoid my feelings or self-esteem from getting hurt. I will wait for him to initiate because he has told me that he doesn't like when I do, because he doesn't want to turn me down. He will then only initiate it when I mention that it's been a month. Then I start feeling like the only reason he does want to have sex is because I say something. I've mentioned that maybe it is something medical and even when we were dating he said he'd go to the doctor and just see, which he hasnt until recently when i dropped the D word and results came back as Low-Testosterone. So now its gotten to the point where I cringe watching a love scene on a movie or show. We don't make out and usually that's when I know he's initiating sex is when he does try to make out. It used to be fun and surprising at first. But now its awkward and I feel like I'm learning to kiss or learning how he kisses for the first time. And it definitely kills the mood. My self-esteem has tethered during this and I used to be more outgoing in the bedroom.
I will say he has been in the last month been trying. Though now my issue is. I feel like I have given so much of myself for 2 years without anything in return, that now I am ready for something more. My sex drive has deteriorated and I have not been in the mood at all. But how do you want someone who has shown you in the past they don't want you. Apart of me is ready for divorce and a part of me is scared and doesn't want to lose him, because we do have some sort of connection. I just don't want to deal with this for years. Do I just bite my tongue and let him keep trying. Or do I let it go. It saddens me bc we are both withholding love we could be getting but where do I start to be intimate again and have it feel natural.
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