Sex after affair recovery hiccup

I normally never utilize sites like these but currently I am in desperate need of advice and/or assurance and can't seem to find answers or books or anything else that deal with the current issue I find myself in. To spare you an overly lengthy explanation I'll endeavor to keep things short and to the point, and if needs be fill in any details for responders later. A year ago yesterday I learned that my husband cheated on me. He had three separate sexual encounters over the span of roughly 3 years with a woman I had thought was my friend. From his first act of infidelity to revelation it was almost 8 years. 8 years that he hid it from me and lied to me about our life together. I was floored, went on the whole roller coaster ride and all, but decided to stay with him. We even got remarried. We undertook an international move, made a new home together, fought the fights we needed to side by side and things were going GREAT! Sex was phenomenal, the honeymoon feeling was returning, I was falling in love with him again, and life was GREAT! Then in April I came across something and found out he was looking at porn. I had thought the porn addiction was something he had stopped even before he confessed his infidelity. What made matters worse was that he had been hiding it. In this time where we were being very open and honest, had sworn to not keep secrets or hide our struggles in this situation we were making it through he hid it, kept it secret, and when he talked about his struggles he was vague and never just honest and forthright about what was going on. The porn is not something he confessed on his own, like his adultery. I found out about this on my own. It floored me all over again. Here we were supposed to be building a new marriage, sex was frequent and mind blowing, and he was seeking to look at other women! So much for him regretting ever letting his eyes go astray. And I believe that porn was a major gateway to his infidelity in the first place. Even though I considered leaving him I opted to stay, mainly for the sake of my children. We have been trying to work through it and I've been trying my heart out, but this time it seems so much harder. While things have mostly leveled out at home (I can't say I really trust him at all and find it harder than even after revelation to rebuild that trust, and other things like trust that have to recover) things in the bedroom aren't great. I just don't find myself sexually attracted to my husband at all now. I don't know if when he's looking at me he's desiring ME or if I'm just convenient. I can't believe a word he says at this point so verbal assurances don't really make me feel any better. There's been intimacy but only recently have I been able to allow such without managing to clench my fists and try to bare it. There has been no actual sex, a lot of foreplay but most of the time that makes me feel used and dirty. Not that he's doing crass things in bed or not taking enough time on me... that's not why I feel used and dirty. Fact is, I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way in the midst of it all and afterwards. I don't know that if we just took it all the way and had sex if I'd feel any better. And all of this just takes me back to that post affair revelation roller coaster of feeling crazy. I'm crushed that what we were rebuilding, what was so good came toppling down, and while there's been a measure of bounce back since April it's been nothing like the amazing recovery we experienced between last July and April before I caught him with his porn. I've almost just begun to loose hope that it could ever be like that again and that sex will ever again be mind blowing, which is really depressing. I don't know if anyone else experienced hiccups in affair recovery and has been where I'm at, but I sure could use advice if there's anyone out there that has gone through what I'm going through now. Then last April

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