My Insecurities...Ill Founded?

I'm really having a difficult time and have been feeling depressed for about a week. I have been overweight for quite a few years. I have never been able to lose weight this January, a few weeks after an ER trip. Since 1 January, I have lost 42 pounds. I still have about 35 that I want to lose. When I was pregnant with our daughter 9 years ago, my husband had an affair with a 20 year old blond cheer leader. I was in my late 20's by then, I have brown hair and have certainly never been a cheerleader. We tried to work things out, then separated for a year. We then got back together and have been working on our marriage since. I posted on the sex forum several months ago about our almost non existent sex life, and how I had to imagine I was someone else in order to be able to have sex. Well after getting my medical issue resolved, my sex life was/is back with a vengeance and I've been losing weight through proper nutrition and exercise. I should be happy. I should be proud of myself, and I was. UNTIL the other day when hubby and I went for him and our son to get a hair cut. He goes to the same place all the time and we have been before. But this time there was a girl working there I had not seen before and he fully and completely checked her out. Her car battery had died and he went out to jump start her car. After he got his hair cut, by another lady, we left and he didn't say anything. So I asked him about her car, what type it was, if it was older, whatever. He tells me it is an older car and how he has told her she needed to get it checked out in the past. So obviously this wasn't his first encounter with her. Knowing that I'm working so hard to look good, and hearing him say things to me like "I know you are going to drop all your weight and leave me" and then watching him check out a girl like that...I feel so inadequate. I'll never be good enough. I'll never "measure" up. Top that off with the fact that we have sex frequently, "almost" daily. This past week we haven't had any because he had been tired from work and then I got ToM. Then I find a bunch of downloaded porn on his phone. I'm at a loss. How can I feel better about myself when these things happen? I feel disgusted with myself. :( When I was posting about my weight and also reading the "I'm not attracted to my wife because she's fat posts" so many people commented to just leave the fat wife and find a thin, hotter model. I was told to drop the weight, yada yada yada. Now I'm dropping the weight and feel just as ugly. I wouldn't have felt this way had I not seen him soooo blatantly checking out a much younger, fitter, attractive woman. Days like this I wish I would just have stayed single, living in my apartment with my dogs.

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