She's trying to decide if she wants to risk it again...

It's been a while since I've been in here. I thought we had gotten through the rough stuff and just had some reconnection to do, but recently she informed me that she wasn't feeling much different since the "I love you, but I'm not happy anymore..." speach in August last year. That was completely deflating. I started working out of town in September and right away, things seemed to be getting better. Then we planned a trip to Vegas with another couple. The day I normally go back to work I got into a case of beer and...got carried away. She was really ticked off and I don't dissagree with her, I have a drinking problem and quit drinking...those were the last beers I've had since then, but that turned out to be a problem too...we were heading to Vegas the next weekend, so me not drinking just didn't help with the atmosphere...the first night down there was okay, but the other couple had a dissagreement and put a damper on the evening. The next night we went to a piano bar and everyone was having a good time, with the exception of me...since they were getting pretty drunk I wasn't really following the humour, so I decided that instead of being a bummer on the night I would head up to the room and let them have their fun. Apparently that was flawed thinking...it drained the fun out of it for my wife, and I didn't realize that she had left her purse in the room so had no money to pay for her evening...she was a little embarrassed about that and of course I was to blame. The rest of the trip was very cold...no nookie for me. Then we went through the holiday season, which I thought went quite well...things were getting back to warm and fuzzy again. In January the project I was on, we lost the contract so I had to scramble and find more work (construction). There was no delay, as I found work before my last day on the site...so I was off for one week then off to the next project. But the stress was there for my wife. She decided at this time that the job she had wasn't what she wanted & gave her notice. She is a teacher and decided that she would go back to that in September, but would substitute until summer...fine with me, since I make enough to cover bills and her income was just extra to pay off bills anyway. But I think the stress caused her to have tension issues in her neck...so she went to a chiropractor who said he could fix it with a couple of adjustments...next thing we knew she couldn't use her right arm and had lost feeling in the arm up to the elbow. With me being out of town working, she had to deal with all of this by herself and I think started to resent me for it. When I came home, I took on all her daily tasks of making sure the kids went to swimming & other routine items...she went into the TV room and relaxed for a couple of days between physio sessions, then on the Saturday it got bad enough that I had to take her into emergency for some pain killers and they made some specialist appointments to help get this corrected. Things were starting to get better, but I had to go back to work on the Tuesday...so off to work I go. The next time I returned home, it was a very cold greeting. I was a little confused...but not for long, she let me know what the problem was. She was ticked that I had "left her alone & ignored her in the TV room". She said that I knew she was having a hard time even moving and that I didn't take it seriously until we had to go to emergency. I was in shock. I thought I had kept the kids away and let her heal, when really she wanted me to cater to her...with all the other crap going on, I didn't want to be the love sick puppy sitting there staring at her...but I don't know... Now she is telling me that she doesn't know if she wants to keep trying for fear of being hurt again...I tried to tell her that none of the things that happened were intentional, and that I was trying to be a better person...but she said that she doesn't really see any difference in how I'm treating her. She started marriage counselling a couple of weeks ago and told me that she needed me to be present and not to check out when I'm home...okay, so this last trip home she wanted to go out and watch our friend play at the lounge...we went and she was talking to his wife, having to lean in a speak up because of the live music. I was on the other side of the table, so I checked my facebook & twitter...but she was ticked because I was checking out on my phone and not participating in the evening. I stated that maybe if we wanted to chat & visit we should do something where it's a little more quiet...she said she likes live music and I should have tried harder. I purposely left my computer in it's bag at home & sat with here every other evening watching TV, but she says that I have let her down again... Her counsellor has told her that she needs to take a few days when I'm home next and leave for a few days to figure out what she really wants, where she thinks her life should be. That freaks me out a little, so I said so last night on the phone. She took it as me not supporting her and that she should just not talk about what comes out of the counselling sessions with me...I told her that she really does need to figure out what she wants and whether or not I'm really the problem. I asked her that next time she presents this type of action don't start with "I don't know if you will like this, but..." and maybe let me know that she thinks things are getting better (she did say this but after we where into the conversation a while) but that she needs to figure some things out and some time away without having to worry about the kids was suggested by the counsellor. That way I wouldn't be immediately expecting something bad...I know, how selfish of me. She said that she feels like when I come home, it's like she has a fourth kid to mother and that's not the type of relationship she wants. I said that she feels that way because I come home to a routine that I'm not part of, so I do expect her to let me know what the expectations are. I don't want to disrupt the apple cart by imposing my expectations into a situation that is functioning...but she does expect me to just see it and fit in...I just don't quite know how to do that. I think I will be starting marriage counselling too, but with me working two weeks out and one home, it is hard...my work days are long and I don't have much time in the evenings...then when I come home, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and breaking most of them...we were taking couples counselling, but she decided that individual counselling was better. I don't have anything to hide and said so during the counselling sessions, but she has some things that she has to work out...and I think it's whether or not she wants me in her life. I told her that she needs to figure out what she wants without any guilt of how others will feel, because if she makes a decision to stay out of guilt...we will all be able to tell and she won't be happy, ever! She deserves to be happy and I told her she needs to make this decision without worrying about anything but what she thinks will make her happy...with the counsellor's input too, just to keep her level. I don't know what will come of it, but it sure sucks waiting to hear your fate... Thanks for letting me vent. Later.

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