Hello TAM peeps, first a quick recap to bring us up to speed....
In May of this year my wife and I had a fight, a minor one really, because it seemed like she was avoiding me....she promptly told me she wanted to separate and it was because in our 9 year marriage(11years together) I was too angry and she and our daughter (4yrs old) don't deserve it anymore. Add to the mix that the fight happened at a party with people I have never much cared for because all they do is drink and gossip.
Of course, I was 'shocked' by the separation and it took me a lot of time to figure out what/why this happened. True enough I can have an explosive temper but it had been getting better and I was working on it. I am in IC and feeling a lot better about my anger control etc. But like I said, it wasn't an every day thing, more of a sometimes thing....
3 days after this event my wife - who has Fibromyalgia and is on several drugs for depression and anxiety as well as pain had a tachycardia event that shot her heart rate to 210BPM for close to 40 minutes, she passed out and we had to call 911 etc. I was with her the entire time at the emergency room and told her how much it scared me to have almost lost her since the paramedics said she could have had a heart attack at any moment.
3 days later we were talking about our relationship and it came out that she was in love with someone else, he didn't know it and it was a mutual friend. She was emotionally attached to him and I found out sent him pictures of her in a bikini which he did not respond to. I told her to tell him how she felt (I knew with 100% certainty he would not reciprocate, hard to explain but I know him well and what he is attracted to and while my wife is beautiful she is not his type) she followed my advice and was shot down in flames as expected...of course that only slightly reduced her feelings for him....her so called friends (the sames ones at the party) started to spread rumors about her having slept with him even though both denied it, I believed them both because some of the times they supposedly hooked up she was with me so duh....they are straight up stupid people plain and simple.....
Regardless in our state you have to be separated for a year before you can D. She wanted to get a formal separation agreement together to discuss finances and custody, I agreed. Long before all of this we had a family trip to her families ranch in another state and my parents were coming out to join in the fun for 4th of july, our families are extremely close. It was early June and I kept the separation agreement discussion going and she printed out the forms etc....we maintained a cordial but honest conversation, all the while I was dying inside...for some reason her 'separation agreement' was never given to me?...
One day about a week before our family trip she call me in tears because the rumors had gotten really extreme and graphic and she couldn't believe her 'friends' would do this to her...I was not surprised but again, their stories (which some were sent to me direct by them) did not jive with timing, because I knew she liked this OM and he and I talked direct I stood by her on the allegations....again no separation agreement ever came.
During the long drive out for the family trip we talked, she told me the usual -lost attraction for me due to anger beating her down, loved me but not in love with me, wants me to be a huge part of our daughter's life but not sure she can come back from what happened etc....
Quick umbrella to this first month of the story - she had a terrible Spring health wise - was heavily medicated and half the time high as a kite - during some of our conversations she was slurring her words etc. So my inclination was to think that some of what happened was related to her meds and disease (she is understandably unhappy)...besides the EA the near death experience really kicked her off into an Mid-Life Crisis, even my IC agrees with this description...
The trip actually went surprisingly well and we cuddled a lot, prompted by her not me. I made plans to have her stay at her inlaws for close to a month while I returned to work and moved into corporate housing.
Because we were in the midst of relocating I moved into corporate housing early and had my daughter on weekends. During her time with family she was going to tell them we separated, as well her friends etc. and let me know when she did so I could tell my family. We had several late night discussions about our marriage and about a week before she came home I asked if she had talked to anyone yet and she said no - that for now she did not want to through everything we had together away just yet. However, when she got back she wanted to see tangible differences between myself and my daughter, my anger etc. and that she did not want to work on us (MC) until she felt she saw these changes - I said I understood. Note- during the trip she started a new med that has really improved her day to day health as well as her mind- much more cogent when we speak now.
Her and our daughter came back and really it started off pretty good. We agreed to do date nights and almost treat it as us starting over with each other. While I still harbored resentment for the EA and how things went down, I knew from reading about MLC that talking too much about it would not help. The date nights went well but she kept telling me she wished I had cheated almost because we had gone so long without sex - which was in my mind due to her disease. Then one of the date nights we had marathon sex as I call it. The next day she passed it off to being 'pent up and a bit drunk' ...I didn't think the sex was going to lead to an R but the comments cheapened it all for me.....
In May of this year my wife and I had a fight, a minor one really, because it seemed like she was avoiding me....she promptly told me she wanted to separate and it was because in our 9 year marriage(11years together) I was too angry and she and our daughter (4yrs old) don't deserve it anymore. Add to the mix that the fight happened at a party with people I have never much cared for because all they do is drink and gossip.
Of course, I was 'shocked' by the separation and it took me a lot of time to figure out what/why this happened. True enough I can have an explosive temper but it had been getting better and I was working on it. I am in IC and feeling a lot better about my anger control etc. But like I said, it wasn't an every day thing, more of a sometimes thing....
3 days after this event my wife - who has Fibromyalgia and is on several drugs for depression and anxiety as well as pain had a tachycardia event that shot her heart rate to 210BPM for close to 40 minutes, she passed out and we had to call 911 etc. I was with her the entire time at the emergency room and told her how much it scared me to have almost lost her since the paramedics said she could have had a heart attack at any moment.
3 days later we were talking about our relationship and it came out that she was in love with someone else, he didn't know it and it was a mutual friend. She was emotionally attached to him and I found out sent him pictures of her in a bikini which he did not respond to. I told her to tell him how she felt (I knew with 100% certainty he would not reciprocate, hard to explain but I know him well and what he is attracted to and while my wife is beautiful she is not his type) she followed my advice and was shot down in flames as expected...of course that only slightly reduced her feelings for him....her so called friends (the sames ones at the party) started to spread rumors about her having slept with him even though both denied it, I believed them both because some of the times they supposedly hooked up she was with me so duh....they are straight up stupid people plain and simple.....
Regardless in our state you have to be separated for a year before you can D. She wanted to get a formal separation agreement together to discuss finances and custody, I agreed. Long before all of this we had a family trip to her families ranch in another state and my parents were coming out to join in the fun for 4th of july, our families are extremely close. It was early June and I kept the separation agreement discussion going and she printed out the forms etc....we maintained a cordial but honest conversation, all the while I was dying inside...for some reason her 'separation agreement' was never given to me?...
One day about a week before our family trip she call me in tears because the rumors had gotten really extreme and graphic and she couldn't believe her 'friends' would do this to her...I was not surprised but again, their stories (which some were sent to me direct by them) did not jive with timing, because I knew she liked this OM and he and I talked direct I stood by her on the allegations....again no separation agreement ever came.
During the long drive out for the family trip we talked, she told me the usual -lost attraction for me due to anger beating her down, loved me but not in love with me, wants me to be a huge part of our daughter's life but not sure she can come back from what happened etc....
Quick umbrella to this first month of the story - she had a terrible Spring health wise - was heavily medicated and half the time high as a kite - during some of our conversations she was slurring her words etc. So my inclination was to think that some of what happened was related to her meds and disease (she is understandably unhappy)...besides the EA the near death experience really kicked her off into an Mid-Life Crisis, even my IC agrees with this description...
The trip actually went surprisingly well and we cuddled a lot, prompted by her not me. I made plans to have her stay at her inlaws for close to a month while I returned to work and moved into corporate housing.
Because we were in the midst of relocating I moved into corporate housing early and had my daughter on weekends. During her time with family she was going to tell them we separated, as well her friends etc. and let me know when she did so I could tell my family. We had several late night discussions about our marriage and about a week before she came home I asked if she had talked to anyone yet and she said no - that for now she did not want to through everything we had together away just yet. However, when she got back she wanted to see tangible differences between myself and my daughter, my anger etc. and that she did not want to work on us (MC) until she felt she saw these changes - I said I understood. Note- during the trip she started a new med that has really improved her day to day health as well as her mind- much more cogent when we speak now.
Her and our daughter came back and really it started off pretty good. We agreed to do date nights and almost treat it as us starting over with each other. While I still harbored resentment for the EA and how things went down, I knew from reading about MLC that talking too much about it would not help. The date nights went well but she kept telling me she wished I had cheated almost because we had gone so long without sex - which was in my mind due to her disease. Then one of the date nights we had marathon sex as I call it. The next day she passed it off to being 'pent up and a bit drunk' ...I didn't think the sex was going to lead to an R but the comments cheapened it all for me.....
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