:frown2:
I really do not know where to start. I am a 50 year old, highly sexual woman who has found she married an asexual man. We met 4 years ago. We had common interests. I'd been celibate, for about 3 years, not because I didn't want sex, but because I wanted sex in a relationship, not just a fling. I'm educated, and have a great career. At the time I had two teens at home. When I met Tim, we just got along so well. He didn't initiate anything sexual, I thought he was being a gentleman. We did get together and sex was good, great even. I look back now and think it's because I'd been without it for so long. About 4 months into the relationship all was well. We'd have sex 2-3 times a week. At the time I didn't notice that it was always me initiating it. Slowly it began to drop off. I'd initiate, he would say he was tired, stressed from work, etc. I was understanding and supportive and patient. We were still having sex at least once a week. We moved in together, ever ything else in our relationship was great... then it happened. I realized one day that we hadn't had sex in a MONTH! I realized that I was the one who always initiated sex. I asked him about it and he said he was just stressed from work. To make a long story short, after several months I asked him to get a testosterone test. It was "normal". I was/am very much in love with him so I told him how I felt 'undesired'. We decided to go to counseling and found a certified sex therapist in our area. We've been in counseling over a year now. In some ways things have gotten worse. I now realize that I am married to an asexual. (no offense to asexuals)
For me, someone who is not just sexual, but erotically minded,-- This is devastating. In counseling and talks with my husband I came to understand that he doesn't even know or have an understanding of what passion, desire, longing... feel like. Like many of the asexuals I've read about, he thinks that sex is "too much work", tedious, etc. He gets no pleasure out of touching or kissing me nor does he enjoy my attention to his body (except to his penis). Even after talking to him and our therapist and reading some of the posts here I just cannot wrap my head around it. How can it be that a person, male or female, has never felt passion? the rapid heartbeat that comes when someone you are attracted to looks at you in a particular way?
I know it exists now, but I still don't "get it". We have sex as a "duty". He too has always felt "different" and could not understand why his relationships with women never lasted more than a month or so. We have gotten a better understanding of each other, but as he told me last night after I pleaded "there must be SOMETHING I can do to get you to want me"!, "tell me what you need and I'll try to do it, but you can't do anything to make me feel what you want me to feel. -- and, it can't take too long... 30 minutes of running my hands on your body isn't going to happen, I get distracted." I wanted to shout and yell and cry at that moment... "this is not what I signed up for ! this is not a marriage!!!!", but I didn't. I took what he could give and went to sleep. Yes, I said marriage. I believed that by going to the therapist that we could overcome this. That we could find "the problem", whether it be emotional or physical and "fix" it. Now I see that it is just t he way he is wired, and I just cannot see myself living this way, without passion, for the rest of my life.
It's crazy because I love him, and I know he loves me. It's like we are great friends, but without the sex. I've tried to tell him what it feels like for me, when nothing I do, say, wear, does anything for him.... I think he understands but is helpless to do anything and feels even worse for it. Part of me is SO angry because I feel like he should have known there was something wrong with him. But I am TRYING to understand that no, he didn't know, and while asexuals may be the minority, there is nothing wrong with them, just different. If there's something that is wrong, it's that there isn't more information out there on asexuality and that people who are asexual should be able to know/identify it and not get into relationships with 'sexuals'. (and vice versa-- had I known he was asexual I would have left us as friends and looked elsewhere for a romantic/sexual relationship)
Now, my dilemma: Several months ago our therapist suggested that I get my sexual needs met outside the marriage and to my HORROR AND DISBELIEF, my husband thought it was a good idea ! At the time I just could not fathom it, but now I feel it is the only way to "save" our marriage. A few days ago I asked him if I did what the therapist suggested, would he want to know, or would he want me to keep it to myself? He said that he would have to think about it. He has not given me an answer. If I were to look for a sexual partner, how do I go about this? Most men my age are looking for a long term relationship or are already married. I would never have cheated on my husband. (I guess it's not cheating if he tells you to do it?) and I don't want to hurt someone else's marriage. Where do I find single men who only want sex (and are not "slimeballs") or is there a network of others who are married to asexuals who hook up???? Can this even work? I figure that if I could have good sex a couple times a week, then in about 10-15 years my sex drive and energy would naturally go down and this would no longer be a problem for my husband and I.
Thanks for listening.. I would GREATLY appreciate any help you can give me.
I really do not know where to start. I am a 50 year old, highly sexual woman who has found she married an asexual man. We met 4 years ago. We had common interests. I'd been celibate, for about 3 years, not because I didn't want sex, but because I wanted sex in a relationship, not just a fling. I'm educated, and have a great career. At the time I had two teens at home. When I met Tim, we just got along so well. He didn't initiate anything sexual, I thought he was being a gentleman. We did get together and sex was good, great even. I look back now and think it's because I'd been without it for so long. About 4 months into the relationship all was well. We'd have sex 2-3 times a week. At the time I didn't notice that it was always me initiating it. Slowly it began to drop off. I'd initiate, he would say he was tired, stressed from work, etc. I was understanding and supportive and patient. We were still having sex at least once a week. We moved in together, ever ything else in our relationship was great... then it happened. I realized one day that we hadn't had sex in a MONTH! I realized that I was the one who always initiated sex. I asked him about it and he said he was just stressed from work. To make a long story short, after several months I asked him to get a testosterone test. It was "normal". I was/am very much in love with him so I told him how I felt 'undesired'. We decided to go to counseling and found a certified sex therapist in our area. We've been in counseling over a year now. In some ways things have gotten worse. I now realize that I am married to an asexual. (no offense to asexuals)
For me, someone who is not just sexual, but erotically minded,-- This is devastating. In counseling and talks with my husband I came to understand that he doesn't even know or have an understanding of what passion, desire, longing... feel like. Like many of the asexuals I've read about, he thinks that sex is "too much work", tedious, etc. He gets no pleasure out of touching or kissing me nor does he enjoy my attention to his body (except to his penis). Even after talking to him and our therapist and reading some of the posts here I just cannot wrap my head around it. How can it be that a person, male or female, has never felt passion? the rapid heartbeat that comes when someone you are attracted to looks at you in a particular way?
I know it exists now, but I still don't "get it". We have sex as a "duty". He too has always felt "different" and could not understand why his relationships with women never lasted more than a month or so. We have gotten a better understanding of each other, but as he told me last night after I pleaded "there must be SOMETHING I can do to get you to want me"!, "tell me what you need and I'll try to do it, but you can't do anything to make me feel what you want me to feel. -- and, it can't take too long... 30 minutes of running my hands on your body isn't going to happen, I get distracted." I wanted to shout and yell and cry at that moment... "this is not what I signed up for ! this is not a marriage!!!!", but I didn't. I took what he could give and went to sleep. Yes, I said marriage. I believed that by going to the therapist that we could overcome this. That we could find "the problem", whether it be emotional or physical and "fix" it. Now I see that it is just t he way he is wired, and I just cannot see myself living this way, without passion, for the rest of my life.
It's crazy because I love him, and I know he loves me. It's like we are great friends, but without the sex. I've tried to tell him what it feels like for me, when nothing I do, say, wear, does anything for him.... I think he understands but is helpless to do anything and feels even worse for it. Part of me is SO angry because I feel like he should have known there was something wrong with him. But I am TRYING to understand that no, he didn't know, and while asexuals may be the minority, there is nothing wrong with them, just different. If there's something that is wrong, it's that there isn't more information out there on asexuality and that people who are asexual should be able to know/identify it and not get into relationships with 'sexuals'. (and vice versa-- had I known he was asexual I would have left us as friends and looked elsewhere for a romantic/sexual relationship)
Now, my dilemma: Several months ago our therapist suggested that I get my sexual needs met outside the marriage and to my HORROR AND DISBELIEF, my husband thought it was a good idea ! At the time I just could not fathom it, but now I feel it is the only way to "save" our marriage. A few days ago I asked him if I did what the therapist suggested, would he want to know, or would he want me to keep it to myself? He said that he would have to think about it. He has not given me an answer. If I were to look for a sexual partner, how do I go about this? Most men my age are looking for a long term relationship or are already married. I would never have cheated on my husband. (I guess it's not cheating if he tells you to do it?) and I don't want to hurt someone else's marriage. Where do I find single men who only want sex (and are not "slimeballs") or is there a network of others who are married to asexuals who hook up???? Can this even work? I figure that if I could have good sex a couple times a week, then in about 10-15 years my sex drive and energy would naturally go down and this would no longer be a problem for my husband and I.
Thanks for listening.. I would GREATLY appreciate any help you can give me.
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