Hi everyone,
Been a while since I posted here.
Background (skip this if you know it): Husband and I lived together with his family for 3 years. I was not happy with the living arrangement and he refused to move. (During the last year, he kept saying "OK we will move" but nothing was done to make it happen.) He tried to kick me out of the house a couple times, the last time I left and didn't go back. He apologized and asked me to come back but I did not want to live with his family any more.
We were separated 11 months. During that time, I got a job, got a condo (after spending a few months living with my parents) and we tried to reconcile. He wouldn't move in with me because he said he had a financial responsibility to his older brother and to his mother (whom he lived with). They were a perfectly functioning family unit on their own, and had no financial trouble surviving without my husband. They are a very close knit codependant unit. He kept asking me to move in with them.
I gave him separation papers after 11 months and that's when he said he'd move in with us. I still didn't want him to…he had conditions attached that were absurd to me (ie. he said "this is temporary, after a year we will move and my mom will live with us"). I told him that I would never live with his mom, not now or ever, and that it was probably best he didn't move in with me because we were not his priority. He literally begged me not to end our marriage. Because I love him A LOT, and because I took pity on him, I let him move in.
It's been 2 months. He has made mistakes but nothing purposefully and intentionally to hurt me. They're things he doesn't think are important…but at this stage, EVERYTHING is important.
1. My daughter loves having him here. I loved the companionship and was happy to have him as well (in the beginning).
2. The problems are:
a. I don't get along with his family. I resent them for taking advantage of my husband and truly believe they're fine with our marriage ending. Attempts to reconcile with them were not very successful.
b. He sees them every day (he commutes to work with his siblings).
c. He dedicates a full weekend day to be with them.
d. Because I told him I don't want to visit his mom's house, he excludes me from all get-togethers on his side…even if it's at a cousin's house or at a park for a huge BBQ. He doesn't even ask me to go. I tell him this hurts me and that I want to be invited...he still doesn't.
e. He does not go with me to important events. Example: this weekend there was a funeral from my side. He had agreed to go with me. The night before the funeral, he got invited to the park with his family. He told me he was going to the park – I said what about the funeral? (In our culture a funeral lasts a good 3 hours.) He said he'd only attend for half an hour…and that he'd meet me there. I got upset. We're a couple so we should drive there together, and I think a funeral is more important than a BBQ at the park that his family has every weekend. So we argued. He didn't go with me. He says I'm being controlling, which is true.
f. So far, he's packed his things and left 2 times. Both times, he came back the next day. The first time I panicked and asked him to come back (I was the one who asked him to leave). The 2nd time which was over the funeral. I didn't want him to come back, he called/texted/etc. and showed up at the door, and is insisting that he has no life without us together and can't live without us and he loves me.
g. Right now we are in limbo. I took his key. His stuff is still in his car. But he wants to live with me and is sleeping in the other room. I am not being good to him. I don't smile, I'm not happy. This is turning out to be a yo-yo relationship. I am upset at myself for ever taking him back in the first place after our 11 month separation but, I had to, because I had to give it a try. I didn't want to live the rest of my life wondering "what if I had taken him back?".
h. I am scared of hurting him. I'm scared of disappointing my family. I'm scared of regretting it, if we get a divorce. Yet I'm not happy. I was happier as a single mom! At least there was no one to argue with. I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be married anymore…I have no patience. If I do get divorced, I don't want to be remarried because everybody comes with problems…EVERY marriage has problems.
i. If I stay with him, his family will always be a problem. It's a big dark cloud over our relationship. He doesn't actively include me in events and doesn't tell his family to respect me so that's an issue. I feel like my life will be a long series of disappointments. Every weekend, his family calls him several times in the early morning…his bro, then his sis, then his mom, asking "Where are you? Why aren't you picking up? When you going to get here? Call home." and my hands shake because I hate that they do that…I even end up deleting their texts and removing their calls from his phone. I know this is wrong. I don't like who I am turning in to. I am stressed out. I don't want to keep treating him like this…
j. The only way "out" that I see, is to live in the same home but lead separate lives. But even that way, I will not be happy.
I feel like I have to raise him again, for example in the way he dresses, or things he thinks are "normal" that actually aren't (I'm a self conscious person). He's also very careless. He lost the key to our condo once, and I found out yesterday he dented the door of the car we park beside in the condo garage. He opened a bank account with his brother (without my knowledge) and deposited his savings there instead of opening an account with me, or going solo.
I have no faith in our relationship.
He is caring toward me, loves our daughter a lot and helps a lot around our home. And he loves me. He says to give it time and have patience, because time heals all.
I am upset that he made decisions that he knew would harm our marriage, and now he desperately doesn't want our marriage to end. It's like someone stabbing you multiple times and then being upset that you are hurt and that the scars are still on your body...
Been a while since I posted here.
Background (skip this if you know it): Husband and I lived together with his family for 3 years. I was not happy with the living arrangement and he refused to move. (During the last year, he kept saying "OK we will move" but nothing was done to make it happen.) He tried to kick me out of the house a couple times, the last time I left and didn't go back. He apologized and asked me to come back but I did not want to live with his family any more.
We were separated 11 months. During that time, I got a job, got a condo (after spending a few months living with my parents) and we tried to reconcile. He wouldn't move in with me because he said he had a financial responsibility to his older brother and to his mother (whom he lived with). They were a perfectly functioning family unit on their own, and had no financial trouble surviving without my husband. They are a very close knit codependant unit. He kept asking me to move in with them.
I gave him separation papers after 11 months and that's when he said he'd move in with us. I still didn't want him to…he had conditions attached that were absurd to me (ie. he said "this is temporary, after a year we will move and my mom will live with us"). I told him that I would never live with his mom, not now or ever, and that it was probably best he didn't move in with me because we were not his priority. He literally begged me not to end our marriage. Because I love him A LOT, and because I took pity on him, I let him move in.
It's been 2 months. He has made mistakes but nothing purposefully and intentionally to hurt me. They're things he doesn't think are important…but at this stage, EVERYTHING is important.
1. My daughter loves having him here. I loved the companionship and was happy to have him as well (in the beginning).
2. The problems are:
a. I don't get along with his family. I resent them for taking advantage of my husband and truly believe they're fine with our marriage ending. Attempts to reconcile with them were not very successful.
b. He sees them every day (he commutes to work with his siblings).
c. He dedicates a full weekend day to be with them.
d. Because I told him I don't want to visit his mom's house, he excludes me from all get-togethers on his side…even if it's at a cousin's house or at a park for a huge BBQ. He doesn't even ask me to go. I tell him this hurts me and that I want to be invited...he still doesn't.
e. He does not go with me to important events. Example: this weekend there was a funeral from my side. He had agreed to go with me. The night before the funeral, he got invited to the park with his family. He told me he was going to the park – I said what about the funeral? (In our culture a funeral lasts a good 3 hours.) He said he'd only attend for half an hour…and that he'd meet me there. I got upset. We're a couple so we should drive there together, and I think a funeral is more important than a BBQ at the park that his family has every weekend. So we argued. He didn't go with me. He says I'm being controlling, which is true.
f. So far, he's packed his things and left 2 times. Both times, he came back the next day. The first time I panicked and asked him to come back (I was the one who asked him to leave). The 2nd time which was over the funeral. I didn't want him to come back, he called/texted/etc. and showed up at the door, and is insisting that he has no life without us together and can't live without us and he loves me.
g. Right now we are in limbo. I took his key. His stuff is still in his car. But he wants to live with me and is sleeping in the other room. I am not being good to him. I don't smile, I'm not happy. This is turning out to be a yo-yo relationship. I am upset at myself for ever taking him back in the first place after our 11 month separation but, I had to, because I had to give it a try. I didn't want to live the rest of my life wondering "what if I had taken him back?".
h. I am scared of hurting him. I'm scared of disappointing my family. I'm scared of regretting it, if we get a divorce. Yet I'm not happy. I was happier as a single mom! At least there was no one to argue with. I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be married anymore…I have no patience. If I do get divorced, I don't want to be remarried because everybody comes with problems…EVERY marriage has problems.
i. If I stay with him, his family will always be a problem. It's a big dark cloud over our relationship. He doesn't actively include me in events and doesn't tell his family to respect me so that's an issue. I feel like my life will be a long series of disappointments. Every weekend, his family calls him several times in the early morning…his bro, then his sis, then his mom, asking "Where are you? Why aren't you picking up? When you going to get here? Call home." and my hands shake because I hate that they do that…I even end up deleting their texts and removing their calls from his phone. I know this is wrong. I don't like who I am turning in to. I am stressed out. I don't want to keep treating him like this…
j. The only way "out" that I see, is to live in the same home but lead separate lives. But even that way, I will not be happy.
I feel like I have to raise him again, for example in the way he dresses, or things he thinks are "normal" that actually aren't (I'm a self conscious person). He's also very careless. He lost the key to our condo once, and I found out yesterday he dented the door of the car we park beside in the condo garage. He opened a bank account with his brother (without my knowledge) and deposited his savings there instead of opening an account with me, or going solo.
I have no faith in our relationship.
He is caring toward me, loves our daughter a lot and helps a lot around our home. And he loves me. He says to give it time and have patience, because time heals all.
I am upset that he made decisions that he knew would harm our marriage, and now he desperately doesn't want our marriage to end. It's like someone stabbing you multiple times and then being upset that you are hurt and that the scars are still on your body...
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