GOING THROUGH HELL not bell.
My husband left on Saturday morning by leaving a letter saying he couldn't stand to see me hurt or causing me pain. He has turned off his cell, and all ties of communication and I have not been able to talk to him since. This is hurting like hell. I am confused, and so worried about him.
We have been married a little over ten years. Our marriage hasn't always been easy, but I honestly thought that we loved each other so much that we could overcome anything life threw at us.
3 years in we started having problems in the intimacy department. He started having PE and it still an issue today or was rather, seems as he's gone. The PE was a huge problem but the lack of intimacy and affection was so much harder. When we would have sex and the PE would happen he would get so upset and embarrassed and pretty much just roll over and be cold. I was so hurt and felt unloved by his actions after wards. I would wait til he fell asleep and just cry myself to sleep. We never had a proper conversation about this. Him too embarassed and ashamed I believe, and I never really talked about it because I didn't want to say something that would make him feel worse. I did ask many times through out the years for him to try, show me more love and intimacy and he would do good for a little time and then revert back to old ways. I would fall asleep crying just wishing that he would desire me, and show me he loved me. Looking back now, I wish I would have talked about it deeply, and tried and help more and embraced it as our problem but all I could ever think about was my hurt and not his. I never said anything mean or harsh and some times I would just say it's okay but he said he could see the sadness and disappointment on my face. About a year ago he started seeking help from the Dr. But during the past year sex has only happened about 3x's a month or less. Before he started actually seeking help (a few months) I have told him that I felt like we were just roommates, friends, that I felt like a cum bucket and other things similar to that. I don't resent him for the PE, I resent him for the lack of love shown, and for how long he waited to finally get some help. I seem to hold it against him and just can't let it go. I felt like I wasn't important enough for him, nor loved as much for him to try and get help sooner.
We've both said horrible things to one another. About a year ago he once told me he sees prettier girls but comes home to me. After he said that I was crushed. I know I am not the prettiest girl on earth, but he has always made me feel like the most beautiful, pretty and wonderful girl in his eyes. I held on to those words, played them on repeat in my head, had dreams about him leaving for a prettier girl for months. I didn't say anything to him about what he had said for months. Just shut down and fell into a deep sadness and my self-esteem took a huge blow. He would wake up to me hiding in the bathroom crying, sitting at the foot of the bed crying, my shakes and sobs would wake him up some nights. I then became jealous, started snooping through his phone, questioning him on why he took so long to come home, why he took so long when he went to the store etc... We finally talked about what was said like 3 or 4 months ago. He was hurt and ashamed that he said that to me. He said that what he was thinking in Spanish came out wrong in English. I know I made things bad by shutting down and being so sad. The past two months I have started finding happiness in myself again, started being happy with him, I was getting my jealousy under controlling. I feel like In was 85% better with the jealousy.
In the past week and a half he has woken up to find me crying a few times but I would just curl up in his arms unable to talk about what was hurting me and fall asleep in his arms. I know he feels like he was the reason I was crying now, and I should have talked about it. I was sexually abused as a child, and for so long I had barried it and just wouldn't let me self think about it. Well a few weeks ago a family member brought it up, and it's been laying heavily on my heart, and that's why I had been crying. I couldn't talk to him about it, I am ashamed and embarrassed and just couldn't. I wish I would have told him, maybe then he wouldn't be gone. Even though he already knew that I was abused as a child, and I have always been able to talk to him about everything, I just couldn't open up and tell him about it. I regret more than anything now.
I have re-read his letter over and over again, and all it talks about is him not wanting to hurt me or cause me anymore pain, he wants us to be happy etc... I am so hurt and heart broken. I just want to talk to him, and let him know that he hasn't been hurting me. I just want him back in my arms and home. I know he thinks that he's doing the best thing for me, and his intentions are well meaning but I hurt so bad. I love him and just want him home.
I haven't talked to him since, but his sister tells me daily that he's okay but I am still so worried sick about him. I have felt so many emotions, mostly sad, but last night I felt anger. Anger at him leaving the way he did, anger at him for leaving that way even though he knows how bad my anxiety gets and how sick I get when Im worried or upset. I am mostly angered at his silence and it hurts so bad. The not knowing if he's just taking a breather or if he wants out of this relationship is killing me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I have to force myself to drink what little I can. I am just so hurt, sad and heart broken.
Aside from those problems we have always loved eachother. We are like best friends and have so much in common. We hang out all the time watching movies or playing video games. We don't have any kids. He is the only one working right now. My anxiety has been super bad lately. I do clean the house, and cook, and just take care of him so he can come home from work and just relax.
My husband left on Saturday morning by leaving a letter saying he couldn't stand to see me hurt or causing me pain. He has turned off his cell, and all ties of communication and I have not been able to talk to him since. This is hurting like hell. I am confused, and so worried about him.
We have been married a little over ten years. Our marriage hasn't always been easy, but I honestly thought that we loved each other so much that we could overcome anything life threw at us.
3 years in we started having problems in the intimacy department. He started having PE and it still an issue today or was rather, seems as he's gone. The PE was a huge problem but the lack of intimacy and affection was so much harder. When we would have sex and the PE would happen he would get so upset and embarrassed and pretty much just roll over and be cold. I was so hurt and felt unloved by his actions after wards. I would wait til he fell asleep and just cry myself to sleep. We never had a proper conversation about this. Him too embarassed and ashamed I believe, and I never really talked about it because I didn't want to say something that would make him feel worse. I did ask many times through out the years for him to try, show me more love and intimacy and he would do good for a little time and then revert back to old ways. I would fall asleep crying just wishing that he would desire me, and show me he loved me. Looking back now, I wish I would have talked about it deeply, and tried and help more and embraced it as our problem but all I could ever think about was my hurt and not his. I never said anything mean or harsh and some times I would just say it's okay but he said he could see the sadness and disappointment on my face. About a year ago he started seeking help from the Dr. But during the past year sex has only happened about 3x's a month or less. Before he started actually seeking help (a few months) I have told him that I felt like we were just roommates, friends, that I felt like a cum bucket and other things similar to that. I don't resent him for the PE, I resent him for the lack of love shown, and for how long he waited to finally get some help. I seem to hold it against him and just can't let it go. I felt like I wasn't important enough for him, nor loved as much for him to try and get help sooner.
We've both said horrible things to one another. About a year ago he once told me he sees prettier girls but comes home to me. After he said that I was crushed. I know I am not the prettiest girl on earth, but he has always made me feel like the most beautiful, pretty and wonderful girl in his eyes. I held on to those words, played them on repeat in my head, had dreams about him leaving for a prettier girl for months. I didn't say anything to him about what he had said for months. Just shut down and fell into a deep sadness and my self-esteem took a huge blow. He would wake up to me hiding in the bathroom crying, sitting at the foot of the bed crying, my shakes and sobs would wake him up some nights. I then became jealous, started snooping through his phone, questioning him on why he took so long to come home, why he took so long when he went to the store etc... We finally talked about what was said like 3 or 4 months ago. He was hurt and ashamed that he said that to me. He said that what he was thinking in Spanish came out wrong in English. I know I made things bad by shutting down and being so sad. The past two months I have started finding happiness in myself again, started being happy with him, I was getting my jealousy under controlling. I feel like In was 85% better with the jealousy.
In the past week and a half he has woken up to find me crying a few times but I would just curl up in his arms unable to talk about what was hurting me and fall asleep in his arms. I know he feels like he was the reason I was crying now, and I should have talked about it. I was sexually abused as a child, and for so long I had barried it and just wouldn't let me self think about it. Well a few weeks ago a family member brought it up, and it's been laying heavily on my heart, and that's why I had been crying. I couldn't talk to him about it, I am ashamed and embarrassed and just couldn't. I wish I would have told him, maybe then he wouldn't be gone. Even though he already knew that I was abused as a child, and I have always been able to talk to him about everything, I just couldn't open up and tell him about it. I regret more than anything now.
I have re-read his letter over and over again, and all it talks about is him not wanting to hurt me or cause me anymore pain, he wants us to be happy etc... I am so hurt and heart broken. I just want to talk to him, and let him know that he hasn't been hurting me. I just want him back in my arms and home. I know he thinks that he's doing the best thing for me, and his intentions are well meaning but I hurt so bad. I love him and just want him home.
I haven't talked to him since, but his sister tells me daily that he's okay but I am still so worried sick about him. I have felt so many emotions, mostly sad, but last night I felt anger. Anger at him leaving the way he did, anger at him for leaving that way even though he knows how bad my anxiety gets and how sick I get when Im worried or upset. I am mostly angered at his silence and it hurts so bad. The not knowing if he's just taking a breather or if he wants out of this relationship is killing me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I have to force myself to drink what little I can. I am just so hurt, sad and heart broken.
Aside from those problems we have always loved eachother. We are like best friends and have so much in common. We hang out all the time watching movies or playing video games. We don't have any kids. He is the only one working right now. My anxiety has been super bad lately. I do clean the house, and cook, and just take care of him so he can come home from work and just relax.
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