Talk me off the ledge:
Sorry this is long. I tried to sum it up.
My story is like so many on here. HD/LD mismatch. Didn't know that until 5 months ago. 50 y.o. male married 26 years with 2 kids. Let years pass by consuming myself with work, parenting, managing a household, exercising and life in general. Knew my sex life wasn't what I wanted it to be but after a few early years of complaining, decided to try to love her unconditionally, as she does me and just masturbate the years away. We typically had sex once a month and I masturbated 5-10 times per week.
But, 5 months ago, something happened that changed it all. An attractive female employee, who over time had told me more personal stories, vented to me that she was dissatisfied with her sex life. Newly married and 33 y.o., she was not having sex nearly as much as she wanted and that when they did it was very "vanilla". Over time, I learned more, and one day she talked about how she once had a stripper pole to dance for a boyfriend, that she and one boyfriend once did it 13 times in one day, that she was mad because her new husband didn't know how to use her toys, that she needed sex at least several time per week and maybe even a couple of times per day. She assured me that she knew lots of women who felt the same as she about sex and that she and some friends even competing for a rubber duck trophy that went to whoever had the most erotic experience. And, no she wasn't hitting on me. She was confiding in me as her boss.
I was fascinated, stunned, frustrated, aroused, awakened and angry but determined to do something about it. I was on an emotional roller-coaster for weeks trying to comprehend what went against everything I had tried to believe; that all men wanted sex more than women and that no women really wanted sex. That my situation was how it had to be. It brought my issue to the surface and along with mid-life crisis and an impending empty nest syndrome, I couldn't repress it anymore.
I did my research about my own habits, my desires, my drive and looked into the whole HD/LD scenario. I became confident that I was perfectly normal and that wanting a better sex life was fair. I learned about pity sex, duty sex and that I was justified being angry about being rejected 29 out of 30 days for decades.
I "had the talk" with my wife. It lasted months. It took her a long time to accept what I was telling her. I can't say that she understands. But, she has tried to accommodate me. At first I thought I just needed sex more often. We agreed to more frequent encounters. That was not satisfying knowing she didn't really want to but was doing it for me. Then, I thought I needed sex to be more sexy. We bought a toy. Fun, at first, but not the solution. I then believed that the issue was her lack of desire. She loves me unconditionally, a very admirable quality. She is willing to have sex with me because she loves ME. I wanted her to have sex with me because she wants SEX. She took DHEA talked to her Ob/Gyn. No better. After over four months, little has changed. More so, I now have reflected on, thought about and dissected the issue to where I don't think I find sex with her to be desirable. The more I think about it, the more I am realizing that I just don't find my wife very desirable, because I know she does not find me desirable.
Now, I am thinking I need someone who desires sex like I do. I want someone who needs to have sex. I want someone who wants to have sex with me because they love sex.
I hesitated for months to write this, but I just can't get it out of my mind. I am consumed by this day and night. I have become totally obsessed with the employee. She has grown more and more attractive to me as I get to know her better. And now that I know she craves sex and is not satisfied either, I am fearful of acting on my obsession and embarrassing myself. Every day, I look at her and want to tell her everything that I have been thinking, pondering and wondering. I question if my obsession with her is really with her or is it with sex. Bear in mind, I don't believe she considers me anything but a confidant, a colleague, a boss and someone to listen. But I can't help but wonder if there could be a great sexual experience waiting to happen. I think I finally got around to posting this because I just felt I needed to talk to someone. To get this out there and see what advice I can get from people who have been on either side of this situation.
I have contemplated the full gamut of options from
1. Do nothing. Love your wife unconditionally. Return to being the best husband you can be. Sacrifice any hope of sexual satisfaction for her happiness. Continue to pretend that she satisfies me. Be a "good" man.
2. Continue to talk to her and try to mold her into something that she can not be. She is LD (or no desire). Continue to stress her out that she is not fulfilling my needs or expectations. Continue to hurt her, to diminish her self-esteem for my sexual satisfaction.
3. Act on my feelings toward my employee. Tell her how I feel. Risk my job, my career, my reputation, my life, my marriage, my respect, my kids for the slimmest of possibilities that she would ever even consider the idea as anything other than ridiculous. Or maybe talk to her just to rule out possibilities in order to diffuse the obsession.
4. Seek a sex buddy. Find someone through one of these sites that caters to those wanting an affair. Justify that I would be unburdening my wife by doing so. Justify that it would not be cheating because cheating implies that the other spouse would feel cheated out of not having sex.
5. Tell my wife I need more. End something that most would consider me fortunate to have for the improbability of finding something better.
What do I do? Or What should I absolutely not do.
Talk me off the ledge.
Sorry this is long. I tried to sum it up.
My story is like so many on here. HD/LD mismatch. Didn't know that until 5 months ago. 50 y.o. male married 26 years with 2 kids. Let years pass by consuming myself with work, parenting, managing a household, exercising and life in general. Knew my sex life wasn't what I wanted it to be but after a few early years of complaining, decided to try to love her unconditionally, as she does me and just masturbate the years away. We typically had sex once a month and I masturbated 5-10 times per week.
But, 5 months ago, something happened that changed it all. An attractive female employee, who over time had told me more personal stories, vented to me that she was dissatisfied with her sex life. Newly married and 33 y.o., she was not having sex nearly as much as she wanted and that when they did it was very "vanilla". Over time, I learned more, and one day she talked about how she once had a stripper pole to dance for a boyfriend, that she and one boyfriend once did it 13 times in one day, that she was mad because her new husband didn't know how to use her toys, that she needed sex at least several time per week and maybe even a couple of times per day. She assured me that she knew lots of women who felt the same as she about sex and that she and some friends even competing for a rubber duck trophy that went to whoever had the most erotic experience. And, no she wasn't hitting on me. She was confiding in me as her boss.
I was fascinated, stunned, frustrated, aroused, awakened and angry but determined to do something about it. I was on an emotional roller-coaster for weeks trying to comprehend what went against everything I had tried to believe; that all men wanted sex more than women and that no women really wanted sex. That my situation was how it had to be. It brought my issue to the surface and along with mid-life crisis and an impending empty nest syndrome, I couldn't repress it anymore.
I did my research about my own habits, my desires, my drive and looked into the whole HD/LD scenario. I became confident that I was perfectly normal and that wanting a better sex life was fair. I learned about pity sex, duty sex and that I was justified being angry about being rejected 29 out of 30 days for decades.
I "had the talk" with my wife. It lasted months. It took her a long time to accept what I was telling her. I can't say that she understands. But, she has tried to accommodate me. At first I thought I just needed sex more often. We agreed to more frequent encounters. That was not satisfying knowing she didn't really want to but was doing it for me. Then, I thought I needed sex to be more sexy. We bought a toy. Fun, at first, but not the solution. I then believed that the issue was her lack of desire. She loves me unconditionally, a very admirable quality. She is willing to have sex with me because she loves ME. I wanted her to have sex with me because she wants SEX. She took DHEA talked to her Ob/Gyn. No better. After over four months, little has changed. More so, I now have reflected on, thought about and dissected the issue to where I don't think I find sex with her to be desirable. The more I think about it, the more I am realizing that I just don't find my wife very desirable, because I know she does not find me desirable.
Now, I am thinking I need someone who desires sex like I do. I want someone who needs to have sex. I want someone who wants to have sex with me because they love sex.
I hesitated for months to write this, but I just can't get it out of my mind. I am consumed by this day and night. I have become totally obsessed with the employee. She has grown more and more attractive to me as I get to know her better. And now that I know she craves sex and is not satisfied either, I am fearful of acting on my obsession and embarrassing myself. Every day, I look at her and want to tell her everything that I have been thinking, pondering and wondering. I question if my obsession with her is really with her or is it with sex. Bear in mind, I don't believe she considers me anything but a confidant, a colleague, a boss and someone to listen. But I can't help but wonder if there could be a great sexual experience waiting to happen. I think I finally got around to posting this because I just felt I needed to talk to someone. To get this out there and see what advice I can get from people who have been on either side of this situation.
I have contemplated the full gamut of options from
1. Do nothing. Love your wife unconditionally. Return to being the best husband you can be. Sacrifice any hope of sexual satisfaction for her happiness. Continue to pretend that she satisfies me. Be a "good" man.
2. Continue to talk to her and try to mold her into something that she can not be. She is LD (or no desire). Continue to stress her out that she is not fulfilling my needs or expectations. Continue to hurt her, to diminish her self-esteem for my sexual satisfaction.
3. Act on my feelings toward my employee. Tell her how I feel. Risk my job, my career, my reputation, my life, my marriage, my respect, my kids for the slimmest of possibilities that she would ever even consider the idea as anything other than ridiculous. Or maybe talk to her just to rule out possibilities in order to diffuse the obsession.
4. Seek a sex buddy. Find someone through one of these sites that caters to those wanting an affair. Justify that I would be unburdening my wife by doing so. Justify that it would not be cheating because cheating implies that the other spouse would feel cheated out of not having sex.
5. Tell my wife I need more. End something that most would consider me fortunate to have for the improbability of finding something better.
What do I do? Or What should I absolutely not do.
Talk me off the ledge.
Put the internet to work for you.
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