Hi all. New here. At my wit's end, like a lot of you, most likely.
So I will admit that maybe I am a jerk in assuming my husband, who has been distant for quite some time now, has mental problems. For the longest time I told him he was depressed and to get help and he continues to insist he's not, it's US that is the problem. Fair enough.
But can you blame me for thinking that for so long? He ignored me, stopped laughing, seemed more physically tired, etc. PLUS he has a family history. So yes, I assumed. I took a step back and realized maybe there was so much more I should have done.... maybe I am beating myself up.
I've always been his cheerleader and always encouraged him , wanted to laugh with him ,go do fun things, find new friends together, and NEVER stopped sending him emails during the workday, etc...you know. The main things a supportive partner does to show their genuine love! Dropped everything whenever he was feeling ill, took time to get to know his family and enjoy their company, you name it. Ran the house while trying to grow my business and contribute financially . I did it because I cared and because I wanted to. But he still withdrew. I am NOT saying I am perfect...noooo way....but what I am saying is I KNOW marriage takes effort, and I believe I gave it.
He is always harping on finances. He makes more than me. I make a decent salary now, but for a while I was struggling to find something, and he still holds that resentment. And now? Even though I have that decent salary, it's still not enough and he is convinced I'm still not trying hard enough and that I'm holding him back. Needless to say this makes me feel HORRIBLE, like there is a dollar value on me. I am doing everything in my power to grow my business even further and he is still cracking that whip, even in his silence. I sense his disappointment.
No doubt this is how he was raised- his family is all about financial success and there is nothing about them that says "warmth"- it's all business. I guess there's no changing one's values, but he was NOT like this when we were first together!
But really! I keep telling him to wake up- the economy is horrible and we are doing much better than most. He will agree, and then later on go back to being miserable about it again. "We're doing just fine!", he'll say one day. Weeks later, it will be: "we're barely making ends meet"! And he'll be up all night .
He sends such mixed messages. After one talk he agrees we need more affection, and finally starts reaching for my hand and giving hugs (NEVER get anything physical anymore). Two days later? I had done absolutely nothing different.. but he's back to brooding and recoiling from me . And losing sleep.
One day he'll tell me his family is why he's "broken". Later on he'll tell me: "it wasn't so bad".
He's been going on and on about job stress and dissatisfaction, so when I express concern and let him know I'm there for him and we can work this out together , he LATELY answers: "my JOB is actually ok ...." indicating, of course, it's me/us that's not.
You see? I don't know what to believe! What IS this?
Is he a nutter, or am I really so lacking?
Lastly, I know we need marriage counseling as soon as possible. So how do I suggest this without him losing it? And when is the best time to say it, and how? It seems everything I do is wrong.
He lets stuff build and then dumps stuff on me late at night so then we can't sleep, and I want better timing than that!
So I will admit that maybe I am a jerk in assuming my husband, who has been distant for quite some time now, has mental problems. For the longest time I told him he was depressed and to get help and he continues to insist he's not, it's US that is the problem. Fair enough.
But can you blame me for thinking that for so long? He ignored me, stopped laughing, seemed more physically tired, etc. PLUS he has a family history. So yes, I assumed. I took a step back and realized maybe there was so much more I should have done.... maybe I am beating myself up.
I've always been his cheerleader and always encouraged him , wanted to laugh with him ,go do fun things, find new friends together, and NEVER stopped sending him emails during the workday, etc...you know. The main things a supportive partner does to show their genuine love! Dropped everything whenever he was feeling ill, took time to get to know his family and enjoy their company, you name it. Ran the house while trying to grow my business and contribute financially . I did it because I cared and because I wanted to. But he still withdrew. I am NOT saying I am perfect...noooo way....but what I am saying is I KNOW marriage takes effort, and I believe I gave it.
He is always harping on finances. He makes more than me. I make a decent salary now, but for a while I was struggling to find something, and he still holds that resentment. And now? Even though I have that decent salary, it's still not enough and he is convinced I'm still not trying hard enough and that I'm holding him back. Needless to say this makes me feel HORRIBLE, like there is a dollar value on me. I am doing everything in my power to grow my business even further and he is still cracking that whip, even in his silence. I sense his disappointment.
No doubt this is how he was raised- his family is all about financial success and there is nothing about them that says "warmth"- it's all business. I guess there's no changing one's values, but he was NOT like this when we were first together!
But really! I keep telling him to wake up- the economy is horrible and we are doing much better than most. He will agree, and then later on go back to being miserable about it again. "We're doing just fine!", he'll say one day. Weeks later, it will be: "we're barely making ends meet"! And he'll be up all night .
He sends such mixed messages. After one talk he agrees we need more affection, and finally starts reaching for my hand and giving hugs (NEVER get anything physical anymore). Two days later? I had done absolutely nothing different.. but he's back to brooding and recoiling from me . And losing sleep.
One day he'll tell me his family is why he's "broken". Later on he'll tell me: "it wasn't so bad".
He's been going on and on about job stress and dissatisfaction, so when I express concern and let him know I'm there for him and we can work this out together , he LATELY answers: "my JOB is actually ok ...." indicating, of course, it's me/us that's not.
You see? I don't know what to believe! What IS this?
Is he a nutter, or am I really so lacking?
Lastly, I know we need marriage counseling as soon as possible. So how do I suggest this without him losing it? And when is the best time to say it, and how? It seems everything I do is wrong.
He lets stuff build and then dumps stuff on me late at night so then we can't sleep, and I want better timing than that!
Put the internet to work for you.
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