(long - sorry but lots of background)
Quick background: XW had an affair late 2011, I asked for divorce 3/2013, moved out 6/13, we both bought new houses 12/13, tried to reconcile from 7/13 - 10/14 when she said she was becoming suicidal and couldn't continue with limbo (I also couldn't fully recommit to the marriage after the affair). She is in deep despair not wanting the divorce and keeps putting everything on me for "wanting it" and now being able to go and "be free". Divorce was finalized 4/17/15.
Over the summer before things went completely south, she bought me concert tickets for a NYE show. We spend Christmas together as a family and when NYE rolls around she won't go to the concert so I invite another woman. Had an amazing time and we start dating. New girl is in the same profession (attorney) working in a similar type of law, is younger, is very athletic (as am I) and in many ways is much more compatible with me than XW.
XW finds out about new girl in Feb and flips out. Says I picked her because she hits on every insecurity that XW has. She bullies me into breaking up and threatens to not co-parent with me and to make what was up to this point a very amicable divorce contentious. I agree but continue to see new girl. A few weeks ago she finds out that we're still seeing each other and gets as combative as I've ever seen her. She comes from a family that is very wealth, and very black and white and threatened to make the divorce as litigious as possible, presumably with her parents help, who since they are black and white now despise me (we also have / had a fairly complex marital estate).
New girl is over when this is all going down (via text primarily) and I tell her what's happening and she offers to put things on hold until my life calms down - in a very compassionate and not I'm out of crazy-ville way. I tell XW things are done and we amicably get through divorce.
Cut to a couple of days ago and XW somehow gets on the topic of new girl. Tries to get me to say if I will / will not see her again. I try not to engage but I also have a hard time lying even when I know it's none of her business. She takes that as a yes, and all sh1t breaks loose. She now refuses to have any sort of co-parenting relationship with me unless new girl is completely out of the picture.
I'm stuck. Basically two choices: 1) let effing crazy XW control what I do and end things with new girl, in order to preserve some sort of relationship with XW for the sake of my kids or 2) I stay with new girl who I'm becoming very attached to but also not sure I want a fully committed relationship with and deal with the wrath of XW, which ultimately just hurts the kids.
To top things off she has used new girl as a proxy for all of her hate and vitriol. She accuses her of breaking up our marriage and intentionally hurting XW. She has done drive bys of each of our houses. She's threatened to try and get her fired. She would probably physically harm her if she could get away with it. She also accuses me of having an affair and new girl as being the other woman since we were technically still married (but divorce filed and living in separate houses).
I know that she is wrong. I know that she is manipulating me. I know that it's setting a horrible precedence. But I also know that it's best for my kids that I have some sort of amicable relationship with her.
So... any advice would be appreciated it. Also, I have no problem being told what I did was wrong so don't hold punches - I can certainly see her point of view and why it's hurtful, though know I would not have behaved the same way.
Quick background: XW had an affair late 2011, I asked for divorce 3/2013, moved out 6/13, we both bought new houses 12/13, tried to reconcile from 7/13 - 10/14 when she said she was becoming suicidal and couldn't continue with limbo (I also couldn't fully recommit to the marriage after the affair). She is in deep despair not wanting the divorce and keeps putting everything on me for "wanting it" and now being able to go and "be free". Divorce was finalized 4/17/15.
Over the summer before things went completely south, she bought me concert tickets for a NYE show. We spend Christmas together as a family and when NYE rolls around she won't go to the concert so I invite another woman. Had an amazing time and we start dating. New girl is in the same profession (attorney) working in a similar type of law, is younger, is very athletic (as am I) and in many ways is much more compatible with me than XW.
XW finds out about new girl in Feb and flips out. Says I picked her because she hits on every insecurity that XW has. She bullies me into breaking up and threatens to not co-parent with me and to make what was up to this point a very amicable divorce contentious. I agree but continue to see new girl. A few weeks ago she finds out that we're still seeing each other and gets as combative as I've ever seen her. She comes from a family that is very wealth, and very black and white and threatened to make the divorce as litigious as possible, presumably with her parents help, who since they are black and white now despise me (we also have / had a fairly complex marital estate).
New girl is over when this is all going down (via text primarily) and I tell her what's happening and she offers to put things on hold until my life calms down - in a very compassionate and not I'm out of crazy-ville way. I tell XW things are done and we amicably get through divorce.
Cut to a couple of days ago and XW somehow gets on the topic of new girl. Tries to get me to say if I will / will not see her again. I try not to engage but I also have a hard time lying even when I know it's none of her business. She takes that as a yes, and all sh1t breaks loose. She now refuses to have any sort of co-parenting relationship with me unless new girl is completely out of the picture.
I'm stuck. Basically two choices: 1) let effing crazy XW control what I do and end things with new girl, in order to preserve some sort of relationship with XW for the sake of my kids or 2) I stay with new girl who I'm becoming very attached to but also not sure I want a fully committed relationship with and deal with the wrath of XW, which ultimately just hurts the kids.
To top things off she has used new girl as a proxy for all of her hate and vitriol. She accuses her of breaking up our marriage and intentionally hurting XW. She has done drive bys of each of our houses. She's threatened to try and get her fired. She would probably physically harm her if she could get away with it. She also accuses me of having an affair and new girl as being the other woman since we were technically still married (but divorce filed and living in separate houses).
I know that she is wrong. I know that she is manipulating me. I know that it's setting a horrible precedence. But I also know that it's best for my kids that I have some sort of amicable relationship with her.
So... any advice would be appreciated it. Also, I have no problem being told what I did was wrong so don't hold punches - I can certainly see her point of view and why it's hurtful, though know I would not have behaved the same way.
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