My ex husband and I still love each other, or something like that. We are pretty "different" from most other people, and think and feel very similarly about the world around us. We really get each other, are still very attracted to each other, respect each other as parents of the child we have joint custody of... and mild attempts at dating others since the divorce have been pretty disappointing in terms of comparing the chemistry to our old relationship together.
However, he has an overbearing, destructive family he insists I meld with (and I have done more than my fair share of melding but it's never enough), he is a physically abusive alcoholic, and has an ex with whom he never had real closure and who doesn't seem interested in staying out of his life despite her own marriage. He has big self-control issues when it comes to anger and getting physical.
I think we realized a long time ago that I have to consider these things non-negotiables, and I moved out. We have tried a couple of reconciliations but it just resulted in me moving too many times and resenting him even more for never doing the things it'd take to change (tell the ex to go the hell away, tell his parents to lay off and defend me more, and stop hitting the bottle and take anger management). Even one or two of those would've made a big difference.
He tells me often how much he loves me and misses us, what we had, and wants me back. But he doesn't get that the critical change is a ball in his court. He's not changing anything. I get it, we're over, but it seems so hard to accept that we can still have such a strong mutual love and just have to let our home, family, everything nice we once had slip voluntarily through our fingers. Neither of us is meeting anyone who comes close to our chemistry. I don't know how to feel or how to move on. I try to move on and be happily single, and/or occasionally meet someone new who just doesn't cut the mustard. What do I do? Should we be friends? Nothing at all? I successfully moved on and have had long periods of not thinking about him at all, but he recently has been coming on strong and I stupidly listened. Not sure if I love him soooo much, or am just having a really hard time replacing the good we had with each other. I am contemplating just being alone and it's ok for the short term but definitely not for the long term.
However, he has an overbearing, destructive family he insists I meld with (and I have done more than my fair share of melding but it's never enough), he is a physically abusive alcoholic, and has an ex with whom he never had real closure and who doesn't seem interested in staying out of his life despite her own marriage. He has big self-control issues when it comes to anger and getting physical.
I think we realized a long time ago that I have to consider these things non-negotiables, and I moved out. We have tried a couple of reconciliations but it just resulted in me moving too many times and resenting him even more for never doing the things it'd take to change (tell the ex to go the hell away, tell his parents to lay off and defend me more, and stop hitting the bottle and take anger management). Even one or two of those would've made a big difference.
He tells me often how much he loves me and misses us, what we had, and wants me back. But he doesn't get that the critical change is a ball in his court. He's not changing anything. I get it, we're over, but it seems so hard to accept that we can still have such a strong mutual love and just have to let our home, family, everything nice we once had slip voluntarily through our fingers. Neither of us is meeting anyone who comes close to our chemistry. I don't know how to feel or how to move on. I try to move on and be happily single, and/or occasionally meet someone new who just doesn't cut the mustard. What do I do? Should we be friends? Nothing at all? I successfully moved on and have had long periods of not thinking about him at all, but he recently has been coming on strong and I stupidly listened. Not sure if I love him soooo much, or am just having a really hard time replacing the good we had with each other. I am contemplating just being alone and it's ok for the short term but definitely not for the long term.
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