The backstory as succinctly as possible: My husband is, we both believe an as yet undiagnosed BPD who has been pretty much in crisis for 8 years. That's important because I am hoping it is what explains the event a few weeks ago that is burning me up in hurt and resentment. After 7 years of being fully invested and trying to help him, and him being emotionally abusive to me, I finally disengaged myself emotionally and sought an affair. 8 months ago, he discovered it and was given the opportunity to confess what I already knew, that he had had an affair and he didn't. I gave him 6 months to work on his own issues, especially getting to the bottom of why he couldn't emotionally be there for me and he promised to. He did work on some things, like showering every day and brushing his teeth (yes it had gotten that bad) but never did delve into his deep rooted issues.
2 months ago was the 6 month mark. I had (without telling him) extended the 6 month mark as some other issues had come up including surgery for me and a work related strike that added stress to our household. But I did sit him down and tell him that while things were ok on the surface, I really needed the opportunity to express my feelings to him, something I hadn't done during the entire 6 months because I knew he wouldn't be able t handle it. His response was to completely disregulate and have a meltdown completely unrelated to my request to be heard. Welcome to most of my last 8 years...
2 weeks later, he disregulated again when I asked for an opportunity to be heard and said he didn't want to hear my feelings as he knew what they were and went upstairs. About half hour later he came down kind of tearful and asked me to come up and cuddle him. Obviously, I didn't want to but I did it for him. When I got up to come back downstairs after about half an hour, he said, "can I have your panties? I want to defile them." I was shocked and didn't know what to say...that's not something he ever asked me before. Without thinking, I said, "would you rather have me?". Keep in mind having sex was the last thing I wanted, but I'm so used to doing whatever it takes to keep him from completely blowing up. He said yes and it was definitely not sexy for me. I didn't get anything out of it. He was frantic though and after he came, he collapsed on me and said, "ahhhh....anger sex". I just about threw up but instead just got up silently and went downstairs and didn't go to bed until after he fell asleep.
The next morning, he got up after I did and actually THANKED me for the sex the night before. Said he needed it to come down from "spinning". I didn't have it in me to discuss how much I was upset over it so I said nothing. But within days, I called and booked myself into counseling because I have known for months that I need to work through my own resentments over the past 8 years as well as decide whether I can continue on in this marriage. I told him I had booked an appointment and he asked why. I told him I had major resentments I needed to work through, including what had happened in the "anger sex" episode. He then told me that he felt so bad about it...huh? His sigh of contentment with the comment "anger sex" AND thanking me the next morning didn't show remorse of any kind...
Then top it off with the fact that the very day I had that first counseling appointment, the truth came out about his affair and it was worse than I could have imagined. It had happened 4 years ago during the very time I was busting my butt to save our marriage, dragging us to several marriage counselors and even a couples communication course, all of which he sabotaged in big ways. It had lasted 3/4 of a year and was with an acquaintance/friend of mine who up until last week he was still in touch with although not seeing her. I spoke with her the next day and was much more upset that she says he gave her the emotional support she needed to leave her abusive boyfriend and yet, he's denied me emotional support for most of the past 8 years. I don't even care that they had sex multiple times as much as I am angry about the emotional support. And yes, during the past year after disengaging myself emotionally I did have 2 affairs, both of which he knows about now. I am once again trying to decide if I can do this anymore and he is once again making promises to get to the bottom of his issues and is taking steps to find a psychologist to treat him (something that supposedly "slipped his mind" 8 months ago when he agreed to do just that).
Am I wrong to be so upset over this? The "anger sex" thing actually bothers me more than finding out about the affair, which I knew had happened other than the details. Am I wrong to be so upset about that?
Yes, I know that there is a lot here to wade through...sorry...
2 months ago was the 6 month mark. I had (without telling him) extended the 6 month mark as some other issues had come up including surgery for me and a work related strike that added stress to our household. But I did sit him down and tell him that while things were ok on the surface, I really needed the opportunity to express my feelings to him, something I hadn't done during the entire 6 months because I knew he wouldn't be able t handle it. His response was to completely disregulate and have a meltdown completely unrelated to my request to be heard. Welcome to most of my last 8 years...
2 weeks later, he disregulated again when I asked for an opportunity to be heard and said he didn't want to hear my feelings as he knew what they were and went upstairs. About half hour later he came down kind of tearful and asked me to come up and cuddle him. Obviously, I didn't want to but I did it for him. When I got up to come back downstairs after about half an hour, he said, "can I have your panties? I want to defile them." I was shocked and didn't know what to say...that's not something he ever asked me before. Without thinking, I said, "would you rather have me?". Keep in mind having sex was the last thing I wanted, but I'm so used to doing whatever it takes to keep him from completely blowing up. He said yes and it was definitely not sexy for me. I didn't get anything out of it. He was frantic though and after he came, he collapsed on me and said, "ahhhh....anger sex". I just about threw up but instead just got up silently and went downstairs and didn't go to bed until after he fell asleep.
The next morning, he got up after I did and actually THANKED me for the sex the night before. Said he needed it to come down from "spinning". I didn't have it in me to discuss how much I was upset over it so I said nothing. But within days, I called and booked myself into counseling because I have known for months that I need to work through my own resentments over the past 8 years as well as decide whether I can continue on in this marriage. I told him I had booked an appointment and he asked why. I told him I had major resentments I needed to work through, including what had happened in the "anger sex" episode. He then told me that he felt so bad about it...huh? His sigh of contentment with the comment "anger sex" AND thanking me the next morning didn't show remorse of any kind...
Then top it off with the fact that the very day I had that first counseling appointment, the truth came out about his affair and it was worse than I could have imagined. It had happened 4 years ago during the very time I was busting my butt to save our marriage, dragging us to several marriage counselors and even a couples communication course, all of which he sabotaged in big ways. It had lasted 3/4 of a year and was with an acquaintance/friend of mine who up until last week he was still in touch with although not seeing her. I spoke with her the next day and was much more upset that she says he gave her the emotional support she needed to leave her abusive boyfriend and yet, he's denied me emotional support for most of the past 8 years. I don't even care that they had sex multiple times as much as I am angry about the emotional support. And yes, during the past year after disengaging myself emotionally I did have 2 affairs, both of which he knows about now. I am once again trying to decide if I can do this anymore and he is once again making promises to get to the bottom of his issues and is taking steps to find a psychologist to treat him (something that supposedly "slipped his mind" 8 months ago when he agreed to do just that).
Am I wrong to be so upset over this? The "anger sex" thing actually bothers me more than finding out about the affair, which I knew had happened other than the details. Am I wrong to be so upset about that?
Yes, I know that there is a lot here to wade through...sorry...
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