I can't remember how I found her out but I remember my first reaction after reading one of her blogs or posts. Total dismissal. Her reactions and piss poor opinion on reconciliation had directly been trumped my absorption of knowledge I had obtained from the Marriage Builders program. I wasn't necessarily convinced at the time that some or maybe even all of my faults were the sum of my Wife's unhappiness that led to her being emotionally available outside of the marriage and in truth I suppose at the time, and to a degree, can at least see the seeds of unhappiness sowed, just the method she chose to nurture that resentment is what is obviously bothersome.
But as I have indicated I was frantically searching for information at an exhausting rate and after awhile I returned to her site to read this other side of the coin opinion. What I found was a self reflection of how I should have been feeling vs what I was and the way to actually perceive this was clear.
I read and read and read some more and was expecting her to become redundant in her particular topics related to the subject, but surprisingly, to me at least, she was able to single out one particular instance or problem that while equally related to the whole was also a problem all in itself. I appreciated this since at the time I was unable to segregate one particular issue from the other when concerning infidelity.
I also like her aggressive overtones to the point of making me feel bad for feeling, well, bad. I was, and still am, a chump. Perhaps this label is what started to turn the tides of my tepid approach to my marital damage. Although I was a victim, betrayed, wronged, demonized, and whatever else a cheater does, the label of being a chump made me feel completely insulted, not be her but by my bride and her behavior towards me.
I also liked her "Own it approach" vs calling a cheater a wayward. Although I can agree about the fog realm of thinking from a certain perspective, I also agree with CL about them knowing full well what the damage does to others and even themselves. They just aren't strong enough to resist the temptation and before long the cycle begins.
I liked her approach on Reconciliation. She attests this to a unicorn, a myth, a level not able to be fully achieved as well as usually being just a smokescreen for most who lie in wait for the right time to move on, regardless of the wake it leaves behind.
I also appreciated her take on the usual excuses cheaters use such as a midlife crisis, walk away wife or husband syndrome. Anything you name it. I really connected with her viewpoint when she called out a "Chump" for feeling accountable for his wife's cheating when he worked to make the money to put his wife thru med school and then relaxed his hours to stay at home while she moved into an apartment to be closer to the school which was hours away. Sure it sucked and can, and did, invite danger, but stronger people, couples, have and do withstand much more stressful situations and survive. A commitment is a commitment after all.
I also appreciated her, and yes I know most people here tried to warn me but I just didn't receive it, her notion of trying to nice people out of an affair. We didn't mean them into it, usually, so why try to nice them out of it. She also began my detachment to the Marriage builders theory about making the home a better place to be. She detailed this by saying to simply leave if one is unhappy, no need to demolish the place and then possibly STILL leave.
But the other thing she made clear about this was the point of the "Home" and "Health" of the marriage is based not so much on love, but respect and reciprocity and that a balance is required to achieve a satisfying life and also understand and agree that while it is good to make compromises they are also sacrifices for the whole. It is our failure to realize this in most cases since the admiration of sacrificing one's self in any means is completely overshadowed by the loss of what we desired or had that was taken or dismiss, especially when it concerns children.
In closing I will always thank her and all the individuals who helped me on the way thru this from the ridiculous nature of her affair ( A Video Game) and the uplifting of myself from the darkness that was my emotional hell. I thought I could do it alone, but I was losing it, slowly. But like a moment in time being frozen for me to look back on, I will always have a starting place for my trip to reclaim me. I will never go back there again to visit, but I will never forget where I came from. Many thanks to TAM and Chump Lady.
But as I have indicated I was frantically searching for information at an exhausting rate and after awhile I returned to her site to read this other side of the coin opinion. What I found was a self reflection of how I should have been feeling vs what I was and the way to actually perceive this was clear.
I read and read and read some more and was expecting her to become redundant in her particular topics related to the subject, but surprisingly, to me at least, she was able to single out one particular instance or problem that while equally related to the whole was also a problem all in itself. I appreciated this since at the time I was unable to segregate one particular issue from the other when concerning infidelity.
I also like her aggressive overtones to the point of making me feel bad for feeling, well, bad. I was, and still am, a chump. Perhaps this label is what started to turn the tides of my tepid approach to my marital damage. Although I was a victim, betrayed, wronged, demonized, and whatever else a cheater does, the label of being a chump made me feel completely insulted, not be her but by my bride and her behavior towards me.
I also liked her "Own it approach" vs calling a cheater a wayward. Although I can agree about the fog realm of thinking from a certain perspective, I also agree with CL about them knowing full well what the damage does to others and even themselves. They just aren't strong enough to resist the temptation and before long the cycle begins.
I liked her approach on Reconciliation. She attests this to a unicorn, a myth, a level not able to be fully achieved as well as usually being just a smokescreen for most who lie in wait for the right time to move on, regardless of the wake it leaves behind.
I also appreciated her take on the usual excuses cheaters use such as a midlife crisis, walk away wife or husband syndrome. Anything you name it. I really connected with her viewpoint when she called out a "Chump" for feeling accountable for his wife's cheating when he worked to make the money to put his wife thru med school and then relaxed his hours to stay at home while she moved into an apartment to be closer to the school which was hours away. Sure it sucked and can, and did, invite danger, but stronger people, couples, have and do withstand much more stressful situations and survive. A commitment is a commitment after all.
I also appreciated her, and yes I know most people here tried to warn me but I just didn't receive it, her notion of trying to nice people out of an affair. We didn't mean them into it, usually, so why try to nice them out of it. She also began my detachment to the Marriage builders theory about making the home a better place to be. She detailed this by saying to simply leave if one is unhappy, no need to demolish the place and then possibly STILL leave.
But the other thing she made clear about this was the point of the "Home" and "Health" of the marriage is based not so much on love, but respect and reciprocity and that a balance is required to achieve a satisfying life and also understand and agree that while it is good to make compromises they are also sacrifices for the whole. It is our failure to realize this in most cases since the admiration of sacrificing one's self in any means is completely overshadowed by the loss of what we desired or had that was taken or dismiss, especially when it concerns children.
In closing I will always thank her and all the individuals who helped me on the way thru this from the ridiculous nature of her affair ( A Video Game) and the uplifting of myself from the darkness that was my emotional hell. I thought I could do it alone, but I was losing it, slowly. But like a moment in time being frozen for me to look back on, I will always have a starting place for my trip to reclaim me. I will never go back there again to visit, but I will never forget where I came from. Many thanks to TAM and Chump Lady.
Put the internet to work for you.
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