This is going to be a doozy of a first post, so uh, hi, and sorry for crashing in like an elephant here. I just have nowhere else to turn to.
I've been in an LDR for ~3 years with my husband, I'll call him PJ (married last June). He's military so that kept us apart, including almost two years of our relationship spent with him overseas.
The backstory:
His parents hate me. I'm not even exaggerating. They have kicked my daughter and I out of their home - waiting until they verbally beat him down so much that he took off driving - then took me and my daughter to a hotel. He dumped me the next day. That all happened right at the end of Christmas 2012. We reconciled a few weeks later but it's never been the same.
We think I have Borderline Personality Disorder (the one therapist qualified to diagnose that where I live has a months-long waiting list to get in and an already full schedule so we are going by the diagnostic criteria and opinions of people close to me who have read about BPD and say it sounds very much like me, and I feel like I've finally found something that "fits"). So I'm not easy to be in a relationship with. I start a lot of fights. I live in terror of abandonment - and even more so since the events of that Christmas. To him, that shouldn't have been a big deal at all. To me - it was a PTSD-level event.
His mother has said to me recently that I'm using BDP as an excuse to treat people bad, and that I'm a liar about everything. Basically I'm an awful person and their son is an innocent victim and so are they - kicking me and a 10-year-old out of their house after proclaiming I was only after his money was totally not anything bad on their part.
PJ has lied to me a lot. Big things and small things. Like last year he promised we would get engaged, said he had something planned for when I visited him overseas, and that was a lie. He had no plans to propose. He just wanted me to go see him. I felt used and betrayed. We ended up "getting engaged" (meaning I picked out my own ring after he said we'd get married). But there was no proposal, and I'd always been very clear that it was very important to me. I felt like my desires didn't matter to him. It was one damn thing, and he not only wouldn't do it, but lied about it to get me to go see him. That's a pretty huge level of "not okay," right?
He's still on very good terms with his parents. He doesn't say anything to them when they blame me for everything, or say harsh things to me. Almost all of our fights are about them, and his relationship with them. I don't feel like we will ever have a good marriage with them in the picture, and then I feel like a horrible person because they're his parents and I'm suppose to be understanding of that. But I feel a huge sense of fear and imminent rejection at even the mention of them, given that's what actually happened once before.
I'm suppose to be moving to be with him now that he's back in the states, but I'm stuck in a custody battle to be able to take my only child. He was suppose to come see us for Christmas and a custody hearing - well the custody hearing was postponed. He said he wasn't coming and said it was because we didn't have the money (we do). I insisted that he just didn't want to come. He finally admitted today that is the case. He doesn't want to come see us. He said I will just make him miserable.
If he isn't wanting to spend Christmas with me, why should I plan any sort of future with him? If he's already not wanting to see me (and spend Christmas with his parents which is so, so painful for me) then January, February, the rest of next year is going to be different........ how?
I know I am very hard to be with. And I am afraid that I will never get over the pain of rejection and a year-long sabotage attempt by his mother to break us up again. All of 2013 was his mother telling him how horrible I am. 2014 hasn't been much different. They claim to want to put the past behind us, but they tell me how horrible I am if I even show any hint of not worshiping PJ the way they do. They called me a liar when I told them how he's lied to me - thinking if they talked to him he would listen because they seem to be the only people he will take seriously - And he's 100% on their side. I was stupid to ask for their help, but doesn't he have a duty as a husband to stand up for me - even to his parents?
Is there any hope for a situation like this?
I've been in an LDR for ~3 years with my husband, I'll call him PJ (married last June). He's military so that kept us apart, including almost two years of our relationship spent with him overseas.
The backstory:
His parents hate me. I'm not even exaggerating. They have kicked my daughter and I out of their home - waiting until they verbally beat him down so much that he took off driving - then took me and my daughter to a hotel. He dumped me the next day. That all happened right at the end of Christmas 2012. We reconciled a few weeks later but it's never been the same.
We think I have Borderline Personality Disorder (the one therapist qualified to diagnose that where I live has a months-long waiting list to get in and an already full schedule so we are going by the diagnostic criteria and opinions of people close to me who have read about BPD and say it sounds very much like me, and I feel like I've finally found something that "fits"). So I'm not easy to be in a relationship with. I start a lot of fights. I live in terror of abandonment - and even more so since the events of that Christmas. To him, that shouldn't have been a big deal at all. To me - it was a PTSD-level event.
His mother has said to me recently that I'm using BDP as an excuse to treat people bad, and that I'm a liar about everything. Basically I'm an awful person and their son is an innocent victim and so are they - kicking me and a 10-year-old out of their house after proclaiming I was only after his money was totally not anything bad on their part.
PJ has lied to me a lot. Big things and small things. Like last year he promised we would get engaged, said he had something planned for when I visited him overseas, and that was a lie. He had no plans to propose. He just wanted me to go see him. I felt used and betrayed. We ended up "getting engaged" (meaning I picked out my own ring after he said we'd get married). But there was no proposal, and I'd always been very clear that it was very important to me. I felt like my desires didn't matter to him. It was one damn thing, and he not only wouldn't do it, but lied about it to get me to go see him. That's a pretty huge level of "not okay," right?
He's still on very good terms with his parents. He doesn't say anything to them when they blame me for everything, or say harsh things to me. Almost all of our fights are about them, and his relationship with them. I don't feel like we will ever have a good marriage with them in the picture, and then I feel like a horrible person because they're his parents and I'm suppose to be understanding of that. But I feel a huge sense of fear and imminent rejection at even the mention of them, given that's what actually happened once before.
I'm suppose to be moving to be with him now that he's back in the states, but I'm stuck in a custody battle to be able to take my only child. He was suppose to come see us for Christmas and a custody hearing - well the custody hearing was postponed. He said he wasn't coming and said it was because we didn't have the money (we do). I insisted that he just didn't want to come. He finally admitted today that is the case. He doesn't want to come see us. He said I will just make him miserable.
If he isn't wanting to spend Christmas with me, why should I plan any sort of future with him? If he's already not wanting to see me (and spend Christmas with his parents which is so, so painful for me) then January, February, the rest of next year is going to be different........ how?
I know I am very hard to be with. And I am afraid that I will never get over the pain of rejection and a year-long sabotage attempt by his mother to break us up again. All of 2013 was his mother telling him how horrible I am. 2014 hasn't been much different. They claim to want to put the past behind us, but they tell me how horrible I am if I even show any hint of not worshiping PJ the way they do. They called me a liar when I told them how he's lied to me - thinking if they talked to him he would listen because they seem to be the only people he will take seriously - And he's 100% on their side. I was stupid to ask for their help, but doesn't he have a duty as a husband to stand up for me - even to his parents?
Is there any hope for a situation like this?
Put the internet to work for you.
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