This is just a way for me to empty me feelings and stresses at the moment.
A month ago my girlfriend cheated on me, and since then my life has gone completely downhill. I have almost been completely removed from that friendship group now, who are a great fun to be with and now makes me feel like **** when I see them all laughing together. My mum has had health problems with her heart and will be having open heart surgery in a month or two and is very stressed with it. I love her to bits and to even have the possibility of anything happening to her is really hard. My school work, in particular mechanics, has been really poor recently and have been getting 20% recently whereas last year I was on 80% - 90%. I have been working hard, and not seeing results as such, is affecting my productivity.
There was a girl I've liked on and off (not when I've been with someone else) for the last 2 years and I just started messaging her again, and almost straight away, mid conversation, she stops texting me. In school she barely talks to me now, but she told me about year ago she didn't want me as a boyfriend, so I'm wondering whether she really doesn't like me, and is to nice to tell me to piss off. Secondly another girl I was very close to getting with since New Year's to summertime is now going out with one of my "best" mates. He specifically asked me whether I was trying to get with her, I said I was and he then clearly told me, he'd feel really guilty if he got with her. A week later I find out they are going to the cinema together on a date and a week after that they're together. He said sorry, and then forgot about it. Now I am single, when I see them together (which is a lot) and how happy he is with her, it infuriates me that after that, I then went out with a girl who cheated on me, but he is with a really decent nice girl, and even though he was a complete ****, he's the happy one, and I'm the one feeling like this. A huge problem for me is that I am still mates with him and he's really funny to be around, but my hate for him over her has got much worse recently. He is best mates with a few of my best mates so I see him a lot. Also as he takes the piss even more than most people, this annoys me a lot, however I usually go along with it. During the break up with my ex, after a few days told me to move on and get over her as it's over. This ****ed me off to such an extreme it took every ounce of restraint not to go mental at him on the phone or beat him up when I saw him next. He wanted to brush over it and unlike, the other people I talked to, it felt sometimes he was on her side, as his girlfriend (the one I tried to get with) was one of my ex's best friends and he didn't want to cause any drama so just left me to feel terrible and tell me to get over it. I have always listened to his little problems, but when it happens the other way round, to me it really feels like sometimes he just doesn't care.
Also I unfortunately have the kind of personality which means when someone takes the piss out of me, I go along with it and laugh, however this means that people continue to do it and it gets worse and worse. It is so wide ranging from me getting up a certain way so that I "push my chest out to emphasise the fact I go gym" to just shutting me down so I can't even speak in a group without someone sarcastically laughing which is incredibly embarrassing. I've had problems like this for almost 8 years, but recently I've been able to make a way so I can deal with it and manage it so I can 1) keep it as banter and turn it back to them as jokes and insults and 2) not get offended by anything anyone says. I don't like to blow my own trumpet, however I got really good at it and I was beginning to reap the rewards of it by becoming really good mates with people, rather than the "verbal punch bag". However since my ex cheated on me, my confidence plummeted and I now have a day probably every 3 weeks where I am just completely fed up of getting abuse for everything I do.
Furthermore I found out my cousin got beaten almost to death with a baseball bat in America in September. Doctors are still unsure whether he will have brain damage and he has a broken eye socket, shoulder, skull and jaw, with his brain open to the elements, even now 2 months on. I am currently doing my UCAS application for University, and I have still only got back 2 offers, 1 rejection and 2 undecided , even though I sent it a month and a half ago. Combined with the high grades required for these options (AAA or backup uni of ABB) and the fact my school work is suffering at the moment, I worry that these expectations that I have given myself and I think my parents have, although they don't directly say it, won't be met and in June on results day I will be really disappointed in myself. As well as this, I play numerous sports, and the one which I play the most, and am the best at is annoying me a lot at the moment. I have been in great form in matches scoring and assisting many goals, however at training, I feel such unfair criticism that it is affecting my passion for the game, and meaning I can't play my full game as I am worried to do a pass wrong and have someone instantly jump on my back. Also as it is such a big part of my life, if I had to give it up because the coaches and senior players are giving me such a hard time, it would be disastrous. It will be a really useful skill to have at University which is why I want to get as good as possible.
If anyone actually gets to this point, then thank you very much, even if you don't reply with advice just sitting through this moan means a lot. I have many good things in my life, but it just feels like so many negative things are going on, it cancels out all the positive things. Cheers
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