My wife and I have been married for only about a year and a half but unfortunately have had problems for most of that time. At the 6 month mark, my wife found out about the fact that I had cheated on her for a good portion of the time we spent dating and engaged (Four years). This was an absolute shock to her and she has had major trust issues and trouble feeling loved ever since. We have been in therapy for the last year working on building trust and improving our communication, and I thought things had improved significantly. We also brought up the possibility of going bi-weekly, and our therapist agreed it was time.
Much to my surprise, however, my wife told me she wanted a divorce recently. She says she has felt unloved over all of the last year and that she doesn't think I ever loved her. One of her major complaints is that I've never been romantic enough with her and have never taken the time to learn how or try. She asked me to do this after she found out about the cheating to make it up to her. This is generally true and something I really regret. Even though she told me she needed this, I wasn't making time for our relationship and focusing on the things she was asking for, and the effects of this were compounded by the cheating.
A couple weeks ago she hits me with the bombshell that she wants out. She says that she loves me and is in love me but that I can't make her happy, pointing to the fact that I never did enough to redeem myself for the cheating. She also says that she is unhappy all the time and that she doesn't know who she is because she has always been catering to my needs. She says she wants to focus on herself right now.
My immediate reaction was shock and pleading with her that I could change, etc. As you might expect, this didn't get me much more than some sympathy from her. She ended up moving into the guest bedroom but also agreed to stay in the house and spend time with me until the new year. However, she has made very clear that she is not going to work on anything because she is tired or working on our relationship without the effort being reciprocated.
I have been reading a lot about relationships and about reconnecting with an estranged spouse. I've tried some different things, such as buying her flowers, cooking her dinner, taking her out, etc. Trying to make those romantic gestures she has wanted. When we have gone out and she has some drinks, she usually starts getting affectionate. One of those times she even said something about maybe we could have a future together. On the other hand, any time I bring up anything about a possible future she shuts me down pretty quickly. I've also been talking to her a little bit and working on some of the changes I want to make such as opening up more emotionally to people and developing more friendships outside of a relationship.
So to sum it up, she claims to still love me and be in love with me but says she has decided she cannot be with me because I don't make her happy and she doesn't think I ever can. If I say anything about changing myself, she encourages me but tries to make clear that for her it is too little too late. Sometimes she gets angry when I talk about changing too, saying it makes her mad that I am capable of it but haven't taken the time or made the effort.
I've tried hard to back off on using her for any type of support or reassurance, but its hard for me. I'm used to relying on her a lot for that stuff. She seems to open up to me when I back off, but then I get my hopes up and try to get reassurance from her and get shut down. I'm fighting the urge to just say screw it and push the divorce along quickly because it hurts so damn much. But I really do want to save this if at all possible.
So my question is how much should I be proactive right now. I feel conflicted because, on the one hand, her major issue with our relationship is my lack of romance, so I want to try to give that to her as much as possible. But on the other hand, I don't want to come off as needy or pushy. Any ideas on the right balance here?
Much to my surprise, however, my wife told me she wanted a divorce recently. She says she has felt unloved over all of the last year and that she doesn't think I ever loved her. One of her major complaints is that I've never been romantic enough with her and have never taken the time to learn how or try. She asked me to do this after she found out about the cheating to make it up to her. This is generally true and something I really regret. Even though she told me she needed this, I wasn't making time for our relationship and focusing on the things she was asking for, and the effects of this were compounded by the cheating.
A couple weeks ago she hits me with the bombshell that she wants out. She says that she loves me and is in love me but that I can't make her happy, pointing to the fact that I never did enough to redeem myself for the cheating. She also says that she is unhappy all the time and that she doesn't know who she is because she has always been catering to my needs. She says she wants to focus on herself right now.
My immediate reaction was shock and pleading with her that I could change, etc. As you might expect, this didn't get me much more than some sympathy from her. She ended up moving into the guest bedroom but also agreed to stay in the house and spend time with me until the new year. However, she has made very clear that she is not going to work on anything because she is tired or working on our relationship without the effort being reciprocated.
I have been reading a lot about relationships and about reconnecting with an estranged spouse. I've tried some different things, such as buying her flowers, cooking her dinner, taking her out, etc. Trying to make those romantic gestures she has wanted. When we have gone out and she has some drinks, she usually starts getting affectionate. One of those times she even said something about maybe we could have a future together. On the other hand, any time I bring up anything about a possible future she shuts me down pretty quickly. I've also been talking to her a little bit and working on some of the changes I want to make such as opening up more emotionally to people and developing more friendships outside of a relationship.
So to sum it up, she claims to still love me and be in love with me but says she has decided she cannot be with me because I don't make her happy and she doesn't think I ever can. If I say anything about changing myself, she encourages me but tries to make clear that for her it is too little too late. Sometimes she gets angry when I talk about changing too, saying it makes her mad that I am capable of it but haven't taken the time or made the effort.
I've tried hard to back off on using her for any type of support or reassurance, but its hard for me. I'm used to relying on her a lot for that stuff. She seems to open up to me when I back off, but then I get my hopes up and try to get reassurance from her and get shut down. I'm fighting the urge to just say screw it and push the divorce along quickly because it hurts so damn much. But I really do want to save this if at all possible.
So my question is how much should I be proactive right now. I feel conflicted because, on the one hand, her major issue with our relationship is my lack of romance, so I want to try to give that to her as much as possible. But on the other hand, I don't want to come off as needy or pushy. Any ideas on the right balance here?
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