Having a child has brought on heavy doubts as to whether I want to stay in this marriage. My pregnancy was unplanned due to birth control failure. I planned to have an abortion straight away, told my mate and he was uneasy initially. Over a 2 days he decided that he was against it & wouldn't be a part of it. We'd relocated 6 mos. prior, I didn't know anyone else who could look after me following the procedure. He said he wouldn't pay for it & I hadn't yet found a job, I didn't have enough money. I needed his help or it wasn't possible.
I talked with him long & hard about why I didn't want to go through with it for hours over the phone, he was away on a business. In addition to us talking over me possibly not ever wanting children prior to marrying one another & him saying that he accepted it & still wanted us to marry. I felt/feel bullied into having this child and terribly awful about it. I wanted my misery for my pregnancy, newborn, then 1yr. old & now 2 yr. old to be post partum depression, because there's an implication that in time those feelings improve, but I knew it wasn't and isn't. I'm a ball of anger & resentment most of the time.
Recently we talked about our toddler's future education, the conversation got heated & he told me that he didn't agree with staying together for the kids, saying if you're not happy then what's the point... Knowing that my biggest hang-up about kids is a single parent situation, we shot the same dead horse over & over again about this during my pregnancy. I don't want that for my life or their lives, I'm so conflicted on what to do and that last newly shared point of view just bothers me to no end. Why put us all in this situation if you're not committed to making it work? This is all surreal for me, like a bad dream that I never wake up from. I feel so sorry for my kid, it's so unfair to them. If we split, they'll live with me as his work schedule is too demanding. No counseling involved or anything thus far, 10yrs dating/7yrs. married & on auto-pilot to the end.
Thanks for reading, any insight is appreciated in advance.
I talked with him long & hard about why I didn't want to go through with it for hours over the phone, he was away on a business. In addition to us talking over me possibly not ever wanting children prior to marrying one another & him saying that he accepted it & still wanted us to marry. I felt/feel bullied into having this child and terribly awful about it. I wanted my misery for my pregnancy, newborn, then 1yr. old & now 2 yr. old to be post partum depression, because there's an implication that in time those feelings improve, but I knew it wasn't and isn't. I'm a ball of anger & resentment most of the time.
Recently we talked about our toddler's future education, the conversation got heated & he told me that he didn't agree with staying together for the kids, saying if you're not happy then what's the point... Knowing that my biggest hang-up about kids is a single parent situation, we shot the same dead horse over & over again about this during my pregnancy. I don't want that for my life or their lives, I'm so conflicted on what to do and that last newly shared point of view just bothers me to no end. Why put us all in this situation if you're not committed to making it work? This is all surreal for me, like a bad dream that I never wake up from. I feel so sorry for my kid, it's so unfair to them. If we split, they'll live with me as his work schedule is too demanding. No counseling involved or anything thus far, 10yrs dating/7yrs. married & on auto-pilot to the end.
Thanks for reading, any insight is appreciated in advance.
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