Hi everyone, we have been married 20 years and for most of it my husband has had a problem with pornography. For the first time my H has accepted that it is in fact an addiction. He basically will risk anything and everything for his addiction (marriage, his job, relationship with his children, relationships with his family). Nothing comes before his daily fix of porn.
My own feelings about porn probably don't help, inasmuch as I find it disgusting to the point of me throwing up. I have tried to come to terms with it being just one of those things men do but I cannot. I have a physical repulsion to it. I am a very sexual person and HD, I like erotica and sexy things, but internet porn is just not pleasant to me. I want to gouge my eyes out when I have seen it. I cannot help this, it is just a physical reaction that has never left me. When I found his latest porn I couldn't eat for 3 whole days. I am quite a sensitive person.
I always know when DH has started becoming obsessed with porn because he doesn't want to sleep with me, he stops wanting to go out with me (preferring to be home alone), he starts lying to me about trivial things and basically withdraws from my life - which is really hurtful. He is very technically savvy and the most devious person I have ever met. Whenever I discover he has started again with the porn he just gets cleverer at covering his tracks despite the grand gestures (getting rid of computers, telling me he will go into therapy but doesn't actually go). He told me this week that he is getting rid of his computers and will take up 'reading' instead (he did actually say that :rolleyes:) but instead of getting my hopes up like I usually do, I told him to keep the computers because his grand gestures do not mean a thing. I knew we had to work on something far deeper than that. He works in IT so there is little point in a computer ban. If he says he will go for therapy he just doesn't turn up. If he says he will only use his computer in the family room, he gets an Ipad and hides it very carefully.
The glimmer of hope this time is that he has opened up and been honest with me about how bad things have got. In the past he trivialises it or blames someone else. He now says that it basically never stops, he promises it will but never does. In the past it has nearly cost him his (very well paid) job, it did cost him his university place as he couldn't keep up with his assignments because as soon as he turned the computer on it was porn vs boring essays. It probably will cost him his marriage if I cannot change things. I cannot go back to checking his computer everyday and being suspicious of everything - I just cannot do that anymore, it is really soul destroying for us both.
My plan of action - and I believe it to be my last chance to save my marriage - is to not let him withdraw to the spare room anymore. He does this when porn has got out of hand. He uses the excuse of 'snoring' but I now know it is because he doesn't want to have sex with me. I am trying to initiate sex everyday and make it as interesting as possible. I have started getting up early in a morning (because this is the time he looks at porn the most) to have sex with him. I am not a morning person so it is something that I will have to work on (pretending to be alive at 6.30 :o).
In other areas of our lives we are happy, like best friends, we laugh a lot and rarely argue. His mother hates me (I believe she has a narcissistic personality disorder) and has been trying to seperate us for most of our married lives - and has come very close to succeeding. I always fight for my marriage, because I believe in it, but sometimes I feel it is always ME that has to do the fighting. I also have huge confidence problems as I have always felt 'not good enough' for him. He never initiates sex, it is always me and I sometimes feel he is just not intersted. Without meaning to sound arrogant, I am good looking with a nice body, I am a lovely person to know, witty and friendly. Whenever I socialise without my H I nearly always get propositioned,and although I am not interested (I want my husband to be the one propositioning me) I wonder if I am wasting my life with someone who will never feel truly fulfilled by me. I want to know what it is like to have someone t hat really wants you, sexually, - I feel I am missing out on something but I guess the grass is not always greener.
Anyway, I don't really know why I am posting except I just want to be heard by people who understand, or perhaps can see it from a different POV. Thank you for reading.
My own feelings about porn probably don't help, inasmuch as I find it disgusting to the point of me throwing up. I have tried to come to terms with it being just one of those things men do but I cannot. I have a physical repulsion to it. I am a very sexual person and HD, I like erotica and sexy things, but internet porn is just not pleasant to me. I want to gouge my eyes out when I have seen it. I cannot help this, it is just a physical reaction that has never left me. When I found his latest porn I couldn't eat for 3 whole days. I am quite a sensitive person.
I always know when DH has started becoming obsessed with porn because he doesn't want to sleep with me, he stops wanting to go out with me (preferring to be home alone), he starts lying to me about trivial things and basically withdraws from my life - which is really hurtful. He is very technically savvy and the most devious person I have ever met. Whenever I discover he has started again with the porn he just gets cleverer at covering his tracks despite the grand gestures (getting rid of computers, telling me he will go into therapy but doesn't actually go). He told me this week that he is getting rid of his computers and will take up 'reading' instead (he did actually say that :rolleyes:) but instead of getting my hopes up like I usually do, I told him to keep the computers because his grand gestures do not mean a thing. I knew we had to work on something far deeper than that. He works in IT so there is little point in a computer ban. If he says he will go for therapy he just doesn't turn up. If he says he will only use his computer in the family room, he gets an Ipad and hides it very carefully.
The glimmer of hope this time is that he has opened up and been honest with me about how bad things have got. In the past he trivialises it or blames someone else. He now says that it basically never stops, he promises it will but never does. In the past it has nearly cost him his (very well paid) job, it did cost him his university place as he couldn't keep up with his assignments because as soon as he turned the computer on it was porn vs boring essays. It probably will cost him his marriage if I cannot change things. I cannot go back to checking his computer everyday and being suspicious of everything - I just cannot do that anymore, it is really soul destroying for us both.
My plan of action - and I believe it to be my last chance to save my marriage - is to not let him withdraw to the spare room anymore. He does this when porn has got out of hand. He uses the excuse of 'snoring' but I now know it is because he doesn't want to have sex with me. I am trying to initiate sex everyday and make it as interesting as possible. I have started getting up early in a morning (because this is the time he looks at porn the most) to have sex with him. I am not a morning person so it is something that I will have to work on (pretending to be alive at 6.30 :o).
In other areas of our lives we are happy, like best friends, we laugh a lot and rarely argue. His mother hates me (I believe she has a narcissistic personality disorder) and has been trying to seperate us for most of our married lives - and has come very close to succeeding. I always fight for my marriage, because I believe in it, but sometimes I feel it is always ME that has to do the fighting. I also have huge confidence problems as I have always felt 'not good enough' for him. He never initiates sex, it is always me and I sometimes feel he is just not intersted. Without meaning to sound arrogant, I am good looking with a nice body, I am a lovely person to know, witty and friendly. Whenever I socialise without my H I nearly always get propositioned,and although I am not interested (I want my husband to be the one propositioning me) I wonder if I am wasting my life with someone who will never feel truly fulfilled by me. I want to know what it is like to have someone t hat really wants you, sexually, - I feel I am missing out on something but I guess the grass is not always greener.
Anyway, I don't really know why I am posting except I just want to be heard by people who understand, or perhaps can see it from a different POV. Thank you for reading.
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