Hi so I had the unfortunate thing of falling in love with someone who is a complete dick to me but despite that it is so hard to let go of someone who I've depended on since I was 13, who i lost my virginity to, planned to start a life with etc. The thing is he's lovely to my face and is the most charming guy ever but behind my back he cheats, talks REALLY badly about girls called on girl he had sex with WHILE he was with me nothing but "Cumbucket" in a fb convo to a friend, brags about cheating. Once we did break up and I managed to get through it but he kept contacting me saying really nice things about how he loved me etc etc but I found out while he was doing that he has a new girlfriend... I don't know why by we ended up back together because he broke up with her the moment I found out.
Anyhow I know this isn't healthy and I want it to be over. But I don't have any friends apart from him, he's been the only constant in my life the last few years, to be fair to him I probably would have attempted suicide without his support but I really have had enough. In the past I have had justifyable reasons to have suspicions about stuff ( found a profle on a dating website which I confronted him about and he clams a friend made it, he uploaded a video he sent to me of himself to a porn site, he asked me to make a snapchat after he got one and I notice one of the "bestfrend" things was some person called jess but he doesnt know anyone called jess so contacted her and she told me she has no idea he hada girlfriend and he had been asking her to come to his and shes actually never met him before) so I gave him the option of either us breaking up or he gives me his fb password. He gave me the password and thats where I found him bragging to people about cheating, found that he had a tinder account even though we were together and just a lot of ****, how I had just been "the girl he dreamed of having sex with" and now that he had done that he had nothing to try for etc as if I was some object... Anyway by the time i had found such things they were years old when we just started seeing eachother - he claimed he was a **** then but inst anymore - whenever I ask why/how he could do that he says I can't remember. I was able to sign into his tinder using his fb details and he had tried to contact 5 girls but nothing other then "hey beautiful ;)" and other greetings and even though that was recent he claims I have no reason to be upset by him trying to talk with people?
I know this is all messed up and I don't want to be judged. I basically need to hate him in order to prevent myself from crying myself back into his arms. Everything that happened he explains away or says he doesnt remeber or just refuses to speak about. I just want this over. I said to him last night if he could gain my trust we could try once more and I was thinking of asking for his email password or if he didn't want to give it to me I wouldn't be his girlfriend - i don't want to read his mail or see his contacts or anything - I just dicovered that gmail has its own search history and I wanted to see that - see if he was doing stuff behind my back consistently/recently.
The only problem is I feel embarassed and psyco asking for that - am I justified? Also I don't think he knows about the gmail search history (and i don't want him to or he'd get rid of stuff) but wouldn't want me to see his emails which I don't care about. I could tell him to delete his emails if he wanted but then he'd wonder why I wanted access to the account in the first place. How would I explain why?
Put the internet to work for you.
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