Been married for 4 years to an easy-going guy who seldom say no to people and totally dotes on me. He's supportive and encouraging to my interests and hobbies and mostly lets me make the decisions in our relationship. However recently we hit a rough patch. I think it is an accumulation of discontentment in me which has been brewing over the years.
I have no avenue to confide in my most inner thoughts about him because I'm not proud of what I am a going to say here. But I cannot help feeling the way I feel. I need to get it out because I am imploding and I hope I can find some support here.
Husband been working late the past few days, sometimes til 4am. I am not thrilled but I understand his company culture, so I didn't make things difficult for him by complaining. On saturday before we had our lunch the boss called about work. Despite telling him he was about to lunch, the boss continued to talk about work for a good 20 min. I was unhappy about this rudeness and told him so after the call (during the call i was motioning for him to stop it). He actually told me to shut up because the call was already over.
I was livid at being dismissed and it turned into a very public fight with me calling him a sucker minion and he telling me to shut up and that i was not understanding.
I know to many this is considered a trivial issue made big by us sillies, but it is not a small matter to me. The significance of his attitude towards the whole matter chills me. And this is the tip of the iceberg. These days i started thinking about what went wrong and i decide to pen them down so that I can see more clearly:
1) 2 months into our marriage he committed voyeurism and was charged in court. The case dragged on for 3 years before he was let off with psychology sessions and marital counselling. I had wrote a letter to the judge pleading for him to be given a chance. No one else ever knew about this dark secret, only the two of us. It was a dark period for me because I had to go tru it very alone and very frightened of the outcome that he may be jailed and embarrassed in public. Before this incident I was never big on sex but i was ok with it. DUring these 3 years my drive went down and he felt rejected by me. I feel that now we can live life normally and put this incident behind us. We go on holidays and enjoy each other's company but truth is I've not had sex with him since May. I feel terrible about this but I don't know what to do. This incident is a scar on our marriage and much as we have moved on, I think of it everytime I feel upset with him. I can't help it but I feel sorry for myself each time.
2)Everytime I bring up topics like retirement planning, starting family, buying a car (phenomenal sum in my country)...these conversations do not lead to any concrete action plans because he does not seem interested into going into details. His planning style and response to me always is :" Let's just try to up our salary as much as possible now so that we''ll have enough". I get very deflated when I hear that because planning to me is not with this type of mentality. I feel i've hit a wall and then i feel so alone that I have a team partner who is like this.
3) Doesn't help that when I see my peers starting families, purchasing their cars and buying second/third properties. I know it is not healthy to be so competitive all the time, but I think it is not wrong to want to work towards that. Somehow I feel like he does not actively plan for such milestones but believes in just keeping his head down, work hard and earn more. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like we go tru life day by day never having a good idea where we are heading. And this seriously kills me.
4) We like spending time tgt, cuddling and hugging on the couch. But it usually lasts for 5 min and then we are back to being in our own world --- him surfing net, me either that or writing journal/reading. I don't expect us to yak for hours on end like best girlfriends, but I am starting to feel the relationship between us is superficial and intellectually we don't connect.
In general I find myself losing respect for him because I don't feel proud of him. I don't need a superstar husband but I need to feel you are not stupid. I know it's mean to call ur husband stupid and this says something about me. I feel bad about myself that I have to see him in this light. Definitely I'm no angel and there are all these flaws about me being stubborn, ill tempered and mean at times. But these are the thoughts i cannot help feeling about my husband.
Is this relationship headed for the rocks? I spent the whole morning googling divorce info and I keep asking myself is this really what i want?
Can someone there please talk to me about this? I can't tell anyone else i know bout this because I will be judged and I don't know how to live it down....
I have no avenue to confide in my most inner thoughts about him because I'm not proud of what I am a going to say here. But I cannot help feeling the way I feel. I need to get it out because I am imploding and I hope I can find some support here.
Husband been working late the past few days, sometimes til 4am. I am not thrilled but I understand his company culture, so I didn't make things difficult for him by complaining. On saturday before we had our lunch the boss called about work. Despite telling him he was about to lunch, the boss continued to talk about work for a good 20 min. I was unhappy about this rudeness and told him so after the call (during the call i was motioning for him to stop it). He actually told me to shut up because the call was already over.
I was livid at being dismissed and it turned into a very public fight with me calling him a sucker minion and he telling me to shut up and that i was not understanding.
I know to many this is considered a trivial issue made big by us sillies, but it is not a small matter to me. The significance of his attitude towards the whole matter chills me. And this is the tip of the iceberg. These days i started thinking about what went wrong and i decide to pen them down so that I can see more clearly:
1) 2 months into our marriage he committed voyeurism and was charged in court. The case dragged on for 3 years before he was let off with psychology sessions and marital counselling. I had wrote a letter to the judge pleading for him to be given a chance. No one else ever knew about this dark secret, only the two of us. It was a dark period for me because I had to go tru it very alone and very frightened of the outcome that he may be jailed and embarrassed in public. Before this incident I was never big on sex but i was ok with it. DUring these 3 years my drive went down and he felt rejected by me. I feel that now we can live life normally and put this incident behind us. We go on holidays and enjoy each other's company but truth is I've not had sex with him since May. I feel terrible about this but I don't know what to do. This incident is a scar on our marriage and much as we have moved on, I think of it everytime I feel upset with him. I can't help it but I feel sorry for myself each time.
2)Everytime I bring up topics like retirement planning, starting family, buying a car (phenomenal sum in my country)...these conversations do not lead to any concrete action plans because he does not seem interested into going into details. His planning style and response to me always is :" Let's just try to up our salary as much as possible now so that we''ll have enough". I get very deflated when I hear that because planning to me is not with this type of mentality. I feel i've hit a wall and then i feel so alone that I have a team partner who is like this.
3) Doesn't help that when I see my peers starting families, purchasing their cars and buying second/third properties. I know it is not healthy to be so competitive all the time, but I think it is not wrong to want to work towards that. Somehow I feel like he does not actively plan for such milestones but believes in just keeping his head down, work hard and earn more. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like we go tru life day by day never having a good idea where we are heading. And this seriously kills me.
4) We like spending time tgt, cuddling and hugging on the couch. But it usually lasts for 5 min and then we are back to being in our own world --- him surfing net, me either that or writing journal/reading. I don't expect us to yak for hours on end like best girlfriends, but I am starting to feel the relationship between us is superficial and intellectually we don't connect.
In general I find myself losing respect for him because I don't feel proud of him. I don't need a superstar husband but I need to feel you are not stupid. I know it's mean to call ur husband stupid and this says something about me. I feel bad about myself that I have to see him in this light. Definitely I'm no angel and there are all these flaws about me being stubborn, ill tempered and mean at times. But these are the thoughts i cannot help feeling about my husband.
Is this relationship headed for the rocks? I spent the whole morning googling divorce info and I keep asking myself is this really what i want?
Can someone there please talk to me about this? I can't tell anyone else i know bout this because I will be judged and I don't know how to live it down....
Put the internet to work for you.
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