Having an EA is lying by omission, right? It's sneaky. So when you find out, or they come clean, but swear that:
It was the only one.
It never got physical.
They have never lied about anything else.
How do you know? Do you trust your gut?
Basically, in order to save our marriage, H and I need to get past something that happened back when we were dating, but that I didn't find out about until we were 4 years into our marriage and already trying to have kids. To make a long story short, we had a long-distance relationship for a time and said we would NOT date others while we figured out where our relationship was going. I didn't date at all or even so much as talk to another man. Meanwhile, he let a co-worker set him up on a blind date and then later developed feelings for a female co-worker, even going so far as to email friends about it. (Which is, of course, how I found out.) As I said, it was years before I found out.
Even though it was a long time ago and he's great in every other way, I just have some major trust issues. My Dad cheated on my Mom so I'm sure that "damaged" me. I was also then raised by my Mom to believe men are mostly useless and untrustworthy. This is why I feel I cannot simply trust my gut, because all those tapes are playing in my head from my childhood.
H continues to say that he simply fell victim to the circumstances all those years ago when he went on the date and had the almost-EA, or whatever it was. That since it all ended and we stayed together and got married it was all OK. He admits he has the problems listed out in "No More Mr. Nice Guy", including lying to stay out of trouble and appear to be so nice and wonderful.
So, what do people like us do to rebuild trust in this situation? I feel like I must keep pressing him to admit more happened, like I will only believe him if the story has more to it? Is that paranoia or realism?
It was the only one.
It never got physical.
They have never lied about anything else.
How do you know? Do you trust your gut?
Basically, in order to save our marriage, H and I need to get past something that happened back when we were dating, but that I didn't find out about until we were 4 years into our marriage and already trying to have kids. To make a long story short, we had a long-distance relationship for a time and said we would NOT date others while we figured out where our relationship was going. I didn't date at all or even so much as talk to another man. Meanwhile, he let a co-worker set him up on a blind date and then later developed feelings for a female co-worker, even going so far as to email friends about it. (Which is, of course, how I found out.) As I said, it was years before I found out.
Even though it was a long time ago and he's great in every other way, I just have some major trust issues. My Dad cheated on my Mom so I'm sure that "damaged" me. I was also then raised by my Mom to believe men are mostly useless and untrustworthy. This is why I feel I cannot simply trust my gut, because all those tapes are playing in my head from my childhood.
H continues to say that he simply fell victim to the circumstances all those years ago when he went on the date and had the almost-EA, or whatever it was. That since it all ended and we stayed together and got married it was all OK. He admits he has the problems listed out in "No More Mr. Nice Guy", including lying to stay out of trouble and appear to be so nice and wonderful.
So, what do people like us do to rebuild trust in this situation? I feel like I must keep pressing him to admit more happened, like I will only believe him if the story has more to it? Is that paranoia or realism?
Put the internet to work for you.
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