Oh, where to even begin. This is my first post here so hello to everyone.
I am 28 years old and have been with my husband for about 6.5 years. We will be married 5 years in October 2014. No kids.
I am seriously considering a divorce. My husband is a decent man - he helps around the house, works hard, and I know cares for me greatly. However, he has an angry side. I knew about this when we were dating, and I feel so very foolish for not recognizing it as a really, really, really big problem. His anger usually takes the form of the angry outburst. Usually I am not the source of his anger, but I am always the recipient. It is never physical, but he will storm around the apartment yelling at me while slamming cabinets, doors, etc. This is very scary for me and so very hurtful. I usually end up sitting in a corner somewhere crying my eyes out while he goes on and on. I tried over the years to emphasize how hurtful these outbursts are, but never felt I really got anywhere. The outbursts are relatively infrequent - maybe every 3-4 months, but then there might be 2 or 3 outbursts in quick succession. I became afraid of "poking the bear" so to speak, so a lot of tim es I did not speak my mind for fear of setting him off, especially when some of the other triggers were present (very tired, hungry, etc.). This created a situation where I did not feel comfortable expressing my feelings and I did not feel like I was EVER allowed to say anything critical about my husband even if I did it in a respectful way.
Around Thanksgiving 2013, he came home from work one day and was pretty much looking to start a fight with me the minute he walked in the door. I really didn't even have to say anything - he just started raging. Slamming cabinets, ranting and raving, etc. Eventually he stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. The door slammed so hard that a large framed photo fell off the wall. For some reason, seeing that stupid photo tumble off the wall was the breaking point for me. i finally stood up for myself and told him NO. That I will NOT be treated like that and that he was likely to not have a wife anymore if his behavior continued. Looking back I recognize this as a threat which it was not meant to be, but it was.
I encouraged him to see a therapist for his anger management issues, which he refused. He said being angry was "just who he is". After a few days I asked if he would be willing to see a therapist together, which he agreed to. We went to several sessions which were initially helpful, especially with addressing the anger, but the sessions eventually became hour-long fights. Yes, the therapist just sat there and let us fight and fiddled with her phone. I opted to end our relationship with her. Of course we addressed other things in therapy, notably my husband's routine use of the "stonewall" whenever he is upset about something I did (but he will never tell me what I did - he just shuts down totally - leaving me hurt and confused and not sure what to do).
For a couple of months I thought we were making progress. My husband started learning how to manage his anger triggers, and I tried to offer regular acknowledgement and praise that he was working hard with that. We had a few blips but no huge blowouts.
However, the last month has been awful. He hasn't had any major outbursts but the general tone of our relationship has soured significantly. At one point we were arguing and he was starting to yell. I calmly asked him not to yell at me. His response was that he "resented me" for having to watch his "decibel level" whenever he talked to me. I was floored. He had told me previously that he thought working on his anger issues was a really positive thing in his life but now he says he resents me for it? I didn't even know what to say to that.
We can't seem to talk about much of anything without it devolving into hurt feelings and/or an argument or SOMETHING. My husband acknowledges that he is overly sensitive so for years I have always tried to be careful with that, but sometimes he still gets his feelings hurt over what (to me) is nothing! Seriously, sometimes we are both sitting there laughing at something, I will make a comment, and he will suddenly storm off and refuse to talk to me. Again, it makes me feel like I can't say ANYTHING without 1) anger 2) stonewalling or 3) hurt feelings. I have tried to get him to talk to me and open up to me about how he is feeling but it is rare that he does that. I get frustrated because he won't tell me what exactly I did, so I have no opportunity to fix it in the future. Talk about setting ourselves up to fail.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I admit that I still hold on to the pain from his angry outbursts. Even though they have slowed, I still hold on to the intense pain. He has never apologized for making me the target of his anger. I admit that my heart has hardened quite a bit. We of course have other issues too, which are too long and drawn out to discuss here, but to me the anger is the prevailing issue followed by the unwillingness to communicate on my husband's part. We are just at a point where everyone is feeling hurt with no clear path forward.
I recently started seeing a therapist on my own, which I hope is beneficial for me. I encouraged my husband to do the same. I have my doubts it will happen as I don't think he recognizes some of the problems in himself that I see (inability to take any criticism and insecurity are two of the big ones). I certainly cannot force him to go but I would like it if he did.
Even though I am the one that would initiate a divorce if it came to that, the thought hurts SO bad. My husband is not a bad guy and I do not hate him and am not out to be vindictive. I want to vomit. My parents will celebrate 35 years this year and before my grandmother died in April, her and my grandfather were at 65 years. I feel like the biggest failure by not even making it to 5 years of marriage.
Last week I told him I needed space so he went to his parents house for a few days. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment and I feel like we are physically on top of each other all the time, which certainly doesn't help when there are significant tensions. It is like waiting for a bomb to go off. For the first few days I honestly felt relieved - just knowing that I could come home to some peace and quiet was such a huge burden lifted. However, in the past day or so I am becoming so confused about my feelings. I have moments where I know a divorce is the right thing, and other moments where I think I am starting to miss him. Frankly I think I really miss the physical connection with someone...anyone. Not sex, but just a long, tight hug or a close snuggle in bed. I am not from here so my family all lives far away, which is all the more painful during this struggle. I have been trying to nurture some friendships during this time apart.
I'm sorry this became such a novel. As I'm sure you all know, there is so much more to a marriage than can be talked about in a few paragraphs. Ultimately I just feel like a horrible person because a divorce will be painful for everyone involved and hurting people is not what I want. I am terrified of regretting my decision, and terrified of being on my own again and terrified that nobody will ever love me again. I can't believe I might be divorced before I am 30 years old. :(
I am 28 years old and have been with my husband for about 6.5 years. We will be married 5 years in October 2014. No kids.
I am seriously considering a divorce. My husband is a decent man - he helps around the house, works hard, and I know cares for me greatly. However, he has an angry side. I knew about this when we were dating, and I feel so very foolish for not recognizing it as a really, really, really big problem. His anger usually takes the form of the angry outburst. Usually I am not the source of his anger, but I am always the recipient. It is never physical, but he will storm around the apartment yelling at me while slamming cabinets, doors, etc. This is very scary for me and so very hurtful. I usually end up sitting in a corner somewhere crying my eyes out while he goes on and on. I tried over the years to emphasize how hurtful these outbursts are, but never felt I really got anywhere. The outbursts are relatively infrequent - maybe every 3-4 months, but then there might be 2 or 3 outbursts in quick succession. I became afraid of "poking the bear" so to speak, so a lot of tim es I did not speak my mind for fear of setting him off, especially when some of the other triggers were present (very tired, hungry, etc.). This created a situation where I did not feel comfortable expressing my feelings and I did not feel like I was EVER allowed to say anything critical about my husband even if I did it in a respectful way.
Around Thanksgiving 2013, he came home from work one day and was pretty much looking to start a fight with me the minute he walked in the door. I really didn't even have to say anything - he just started raging. Slamming cabinets, ranting and raving, etc. Eventually he stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. The door slammed so hard that a large framed photo fell off the wall. For some reason, seeing that stupid photo tumble off the wall was the breaking point for me. i finally stood up for myself and told him NO. That I will NOT be treated like that and that he was likely to not have a wife anymore if his behavior continued. Looking back I recognize this as a threat which it was not meant to be, but it was.
I encouraged him to see a therapist for his anger management issues, which he refused. He said being angry was "just who he is". After a few days I asked if he would be willing to see a therapist together, which he agreed to. We went to several sessions which were initially helpful, especially with addressing the anger, but the sessions eventually became hour-long fights. Yes, the therapist just sat there and let us fight and fiddled with her phone. I opted to end our relationship with her. Of course we addressed other things in therapy, notably my husband's routine use of the "stonewall" whenever he is upset about something I did (but he will never tell me what I did - he just shuts down totally - leaving me hurt and confused and not sure what to do).
For a couple of months I thought we were making progress. My husband started learning how to manage his anger triggers, and I tried to offer regular acknowledgement and praise that he was working hard with that. We had a few blips but no huge blowouts.
However, the last month has been awful. He hasn't had any major outbursts but the general tone of our relationship has soured significantly. At one point we were arguing and he was starting to yell. I calmly asked him not to yell at me. His response was that he "resented me" for having to watch his "decibel level" whenever he talked to me. I was floored. He had told me previously that he thought working on his anger issues was a really positive thing in his life but now he says he resents me for it? I didn't even know what to say to that.
We can't seem to talk about much of anything without it devolving into hurt feelings and/or an argument or SOMETHING. My husband acknowledges that he is overly sensitive so for years I have always tried to be careful with that, but sometimes he still gets his feelings hurt over what (to me) is nothing! Seriously, sometimes we are both sitting there laughing at something, I will make a comment, and he will suddenly storm off and refuse to talk to me. Again, it makes me feel like I can't say ANYTHING without 1) anger 2) stonewalling or 3) hurt feelings. I have tried to get him to talk to me and open up to me about how he is feeling but it is rare that he does that. I get frustrated because he won't tell me what exactly I did, so I have no opportunity to fix it in the future. Talk about setting ourselves up to fail.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I admit that I still hold on to the pain from his angry outbursts. Even though they have slowed, I still hold on to the intense pain. He has never apologized for making me the target of his anger. I admit that my heart has hardened quite a bit. We of course have other issues too, which are too long and drawn out to discuss here, but to me the anger is the prevailing issue followed by the unwillingness to communicate on my husband's part. We are just at a point where everyone is feeling hurt with no clear path forward.
I recently started seeing a therapist on my own, which I hope is beneficial for me. I encouraged my husband to do the same. I have my doubts it will happen as I don't think he recognizes some of the problems in himself that I see (inability to take any criticism and insecurity are two of the big ones). I certainly cannot force him to go but I would like it if he did.
Even though I am the one that would initiate a divorce if it came to that, the thought hurts SO bad. My husband is not a bad guy and I do not hate him and am not out to be vindictive. I want to vomit. My parents will celebrate 35 years this year and before my grandmother died in April, her and my grandfather were at 65 years. I feel like the biggest failure by not even making it to 5 years of marriage.
Last week I told him I needed space so he went to his parents house for a few days. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment and I feel like we are physically on top of each other all the time, which certainly doesn't help when there are significant tensions. It is like waiting for a bomb to go off. For the first few days I honestly felt relieved - just knowing that I could come home to some peace and quiet was such a huge burden lifted. However, in the past day or so I am becoming so confused about my feelings. I have moments where I know a divorce is the right thing, and other moments where I think I am starting to miss him. Frankly I think I really miss the physical connection with someone...anyone. Not sex, but just a long, tight hug or a close snuggle in bed. I am not from here so my family all lives far away, which is all the more painful during this struggle. I have been trying to nurture some friendships during this time apart.
I'm sorry this became such a novel. As I'm sure you all know, there is so much more to a marriage than can be talked about in a few paragraphs. Ultimately I just feel like a horrible person because a divorce will be painful for everyone involved and hurting people is not what I want. I am terrified of regretting my decision, and terrified of being on my own again and terrified that nobody will ever love me again. I can't believe I might be divorced before I am 30 years old. :(
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