I'm really confused because I love my husband but I'm just not sure he's the type of man I want to grow old with. To start, I'm 30, he's 31, we have 7 years of marriage. Though he is super sweet to me by calling me baby names, super sweet to the cats, hugging me tight at night, good in bed, telling me sweet words of love, and not having any female friends (like other men often do)--I have other issues with him that have become worse over the years.
1) We live with his mom. It wasn't an issue in the beginning because his mom would stay at her boyfriend's on most days of the week, but ever since her bf lost his job, he moved in with us, and we're a full house. My husband doesn't want to move out because he's waiting for one of the tenants from one of the back houses (also owned by his mom) to either move out or die, so that we can move in there and pay lower rent. He doesn't see himself ever moving out of this property entirely, which is falling apart due to poor management.
2) My husband works part time as a greeter at a theme park because he doesn't have to work full time. I know it's hard, I was unemployed for a while and my goal was a full time job with benefits, which I now have. I want to see more from him, but there is no incentive. His mom gave him the car he drives, and she pays his insurance. She also gives him gas and money if he gives her a ride, even if he does it begrudgingly. It's a bad economy and I've had my periods of unemployment too, which he also supported and understood. However, he does not want to work in another place that gives him more hours. He's happy where he is now. He calls it his utopia. Therefore, part of him will always be attached to his mother and to her will, which is ofte whimsical and irrational. This means that if we are having a day together and his mom needs him to take her somewhere, he does it because he'll get paid for it, and he can use the money.
3) What little he does make on his part time minimum wage job, he blows most of it on whatever obsession he has for that period. RIght now, it's fixing his car. He's spent so much on the car, but couldn't afford $100 to go half and half on an anniversary trip for both of us! His previous obsession was lottery, and the one before was books. Books, books, tons of books, every week. He's had similar obsessions with music instruments and buying swords. He CAN, of course, because mom is always there to cover the essentials. Our groceries are not a priority to him. His priorities are credit card bills on debt he incurred buying all that stuff he soon tires of, and whatever his current obsession is. If there is money left over, he might contribute half of the groceries every other week, begrudgingly.
4) His mom doesn't mind supporting men since that means she has them under her complete control. Her boyfriend is unemployed, and he has no incentive to get a job because she provides everything for him--- food, shelter, clothing, and she even cleans and cooks for him after work. All he does all day is play music and watch TV. This is part of the context to our living situation.
5) The few times that I've gotten really sick in our marriage, he hasn't been very supportive. When I'm healthy he's incredibly sweet and promises the world, but when I've been sick, I caught him a bad mood and so he couldn't be there for me much. One time I had a really bad skin condition where my hands were practically mauled, and he groaned and hesitated because I asked him if he can go buy me lunch because I couldn't make anything. It makes me wonder how it'll be when I'm old and really in need of a helping hand. Also, would I want to take care of his older self after seeing that?
6) He doesn't like going out-- I do. I love trying out different places-- he doesn't. HE thinks it's just something guys do when they want to get in a girl's pants, but that if you're married and comfortable you shouldn't have to do all that stuff. When he's in a good mood, he says we will go out and try different places, but I have yet to see. He get anxious anytime he goes anywhere outside his comfort zone. There are only two or three places he's comfortable going on a date. When I suggest someplace different, either he doesn't want to go, or we go but he's upset, or he's uncomfortable making me feel bad-- sometimes in the end he says he enjoyed it, after it passed-- but it's always the same. Now, when I want to go someplace new, I go by myself. I'm always by myself lately-- and I thought I married a life partner, someone to go on all kinds of adventures with me! He hates clubs, he hates bars, he doesn't like to drive far away, he doesn't like crowds, he doesn't like anythi ng. I'm not big of clubs and bars either, but I would like to be able to do things like that with him occasionally. He's only a year older than me-- 32-- but he's been the same way since I met him in his early 20s. Back then I thought this was good, a guy who is not a party animal-- but why can't there be balance?
7) COMMUNICATION. Talking about these topics with him is impossible. He is complete denial. He says the car needs the upkeep, and that he needs the car. WHen I brought up the lottery and his past obsessions, he says they're in the past. In the past when I would confront him about his lottery phase, he'd defend himself saying it's his money and that he's just tired of living paycheck to paycheck so he wants to win. No matter what, there is an excuse. When there isn't, all our discussions conclude with, "It appears you are not happy with me. Maybe you'd be better off with someone else who can lie to you, tell you what you want to hear for a little while, spend on you for a short time, and give you the bs life you dream of. Why are you with a loser like me?" ETc. etc.
Good question. Why AM I with him? I love him, I fear regretting leaving him, and I also fear waking up 30 years later, still in this house with this man, regretting not having left. Or maybe grateful that I left, or grateful that i didn't leave. So many possible outcomes! I don't know if as his wife, I should be patient with all this-- all the people who tell me I can do better--- my mom, all moms say that. The other people who tell me so are guys who want to date me, so they're unrealiable sources.
What do YOU think?
1) We live with his mom. It wasn't an issue in the beginning because his mom would stay at her boyfriend's on most days of the week, but ever since her bf lost his job, he moved in with us, and we're a full house. My husband doesn't want to move out because he's waiting for one of the tenants from one of the back houses (also owned by his mom) to either move out or die, so that we can move in there and pay lower rent. He doesn't see himself ever moving out of this property entirely, which is falling apart due to poor management.
2) My husband works part time as a greeter at a theme park because he doesn't have to work full time. I know it's hard, I was unemployed for a while and my goal was a full time job with benefits, which I now have. I want to see more from him, but there is no incentive. His mom gave him the car he drives, and she pays his insurance. She also gives him gas and money if he gives her a ride, even if he does it begrudgingly. It's a bad economy and I've had my periods of unemployment too, which he also supported and understood. However, he does not want to work in another place that gives him more hours. He's happy where he is now. He calls it his utopia. Therefore, part of him will always be attached to his mother and to her will, which is ofte whimsical and irrational. This means that if we are having a day together and his mom needs him to take her somewhere, he does it because he'll get paid for it, and he can use the money.
3) What little he does make on his part time minimum wage job, he blows most of it on whatever obsession he has for that period. RIght now, it's fixing his car. He's spent so much on the car, but couldn't afford $100 to go half and half on an anniversary trip for both of us! His previous obsession was lottery, and the one before was books. Books, books, tons of books, every week. He's had similar obsessions with music instruments and buying swords. He CAN, of course, because mom is always there to cover the essentials. Our groceries are not a priority to him. His priorities are credit card bills on debt he incurred buying all that stuff he soon tires of, and whatever his current obsession is. If there is money left over, he might contribute half of the groceries every other week, begrudgingly.
4) His mom doesn't mind supporting men since that means she has them under her complete control. Her boyfriend is unemployed, and he has no incentive to get a job because she provides everything for him--- food, shelter, clothing, and she even cleans and cooks for him after work. All he does all day is play music and watch TV. This is part of the context to our living situation.
5) The few times that I've gotten really sick in our marriage, he hasn't been very supportive. When I'm healthy he's incredibly sweet and promises the world, but when I've been sick, I caught him a bad mood and so he couldn't be there for me much. One time I had a really bad skin condition where my hands were practically mauled, and he groaned and hesitated because I asked him if he can go buy me lunch because I couldn't make anything. It makes me wonder how it'll be when I'm old and really in need of a helping hand. Also, would I want to take care of his older self after seeing that?
6) He doesn't like going out-- I do. I love trying out different places-- he doesn't. HE thinks it's just something guys do when they want to get in a girl's pants, but that if you're married and comfortable you shouldn't have to do all that stuff. When he's in a good mood, he says we will go out and try different places, but I have yet to see. He get anxious anytime he goes anywhere outside his comfort zone. There are only two or three places he's comfortable going on a date. When I suggest someplace different, either he doesn't want to go, or we go but he's upset, or he's uncomfortable making me feel bad-- sometimes in the end he says he enjoyed it, after it passed-- but it's always the same. Now, when I want to go someplace new, I go by myself. I'm always by myself lately-- and I thought I married a life partner, someone to go on all kinds of adventures with me! He hates clubs, he hates bars, he doesn't like to drive far away, he doesn't like crowds, he doesn't like anythi ng. I'm not big of clubs and bars either, but I would like to be able to do things like that with him occasionally. He's only a year older than me-- 32-- but he's been the same way since I met him in his early 20s. Back then I thought this was good, a guy who is not a party animal-- but why can't there be balance?
7) COMMUNICATION. Talking about these topics with him is impossible. He is complete denial. He says the car needs the upkeep, and that he needs the car. WHen I brought up the lottery and his past obsessions, he says they're in the past. In the past when I would confront him about his lottery phase, he'd defend himself saying it's his money and that he's just tired of living paycheck to paycheck so he wants to win. No matter what, there is an excuse. When there isn't, all our discussions conclude with, "It appears you are not happy with me. Maybe you'd be better off with someone else who can lie to you, tell you what you want to hear for a little while, spend on you for a short time, and give you the bs life you dream of. Why are you with a loser like me?" ETc. etc.
Good question. Why AM I with him? I love him, I fear regretting leaving him, and I also fear waking up 30 years later, still in this house with this man, regretting not having left. Or maybe grateful that I left, or grateful that i didn't leave. So many possible outcomes! I don't know if as his wife, I should be patient with all this-- all the people who tell me I can do better--- my mom, all moms say that. The other people who tell me so are guys who want to date me, so they're unrealiable sources.
What do YOU think?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment