Thank you all for all your help. You've made me see what a sap I've been. I want your opinions on the letter I sent him. I hope I did good.
When we first started talking on (Swedish social network) and you asked to call me? I was at my mom's house and it was late at night and I was so afraid of waking her up and her being mad at me for talking to a man from the internet.
It was freezing and I took the phone outside and I answered. The first time I heard your voice my knees went weak. It had such a timbre and your accent was so beautiful. I never wanted to hang up. I wanted to talk to you for the rest of my life.
Then a month later you came off that plane with that ridiculous orange bag. There were butterflies in my stomach and you pulled me into your arms and kissed me making me yours. My knees were weak then too. I remember when you released me there was an old couple staring at us and smiling. I thought right then that I had found my soulmate for life.
Later in our trip you had your phone interview at (the place he now works) naked in our hotel bed. I still think about that sometimes and giggle. You were so handsome, baby. You still are.
When I would fly to London I could never sleep on the plane because I was so wound up and excited about seeing you. You met me at the airport every time even though it was a pain for you. I could barely wait to get back to your apartment and begin making love. You always had those strawberries and that bottle of Brut cold and waiting. I was weak in my knees.
The day we got married was freezing and there was a fish smell in the air. The sea lions were screaming at the top of their lungs. I got makeup on my dress and wanted to cry but you fixed it. You fixed everything. When the priest said for you to kiss me my knees went weak again. I still had the butterflies in my stomach. You were still my soulmate.
Then we had a baby. And my anxiety got out of control. We became partners rather than lovers. But I swear to you, everyday when you walked through our door from being at work my knees went weak and there were butterflies in my stomach.
I don't think wanting my soulmate back makes me weak. I think surviving this with as much dignity as I have makes me strong. Instead of talking to me you chose to go outside of our marriage with another married person. You made the decision to leave the family even though I was willing to do whatever it takes.
The past two days of talking made me incredibly happy. I felt like we were finally starting to be honest with each other. Maybe we were no closer to getting our lives back but I felt secure in your love for me again. I know you love me.
Now all of a sudden I feel like those two days are gone. I'm back to being regulated and there are no more I love yous from you. The pain of all of this is back tenfold.
The thing is whenever you walk into our house I still get weak in the knees. I still feel those butterflies. I still think you are the most handsome man in the world and your voice still makes me want to hold and touch you forever.
During these past two weeks that you've been gone I've beat myself up daily. I've told myself this is all my fault. I've told myself that if I work hard and make positive changes, changes that I really like for me, that you'll come home. But that's just not the case.
You say you have to see where this road leads. I think you know deep down where it leads. I think you know how many lives you're ripping apart to try it. I know you know just how bad this is killing me. But you won't come home.
Last night when our son called from the car and she did the laughing too loud thing I could see where we are. Because that's the FIRST thing the other woman does when she gets the chance. Makes sure the wife can hear her while the phone is on. It is so cliche that I almost laughed.
Anyway this longwinded thing was just my way of saying goodbye to you. I can't hold out hope anymore because you don't have hope for us. You are my everything. You still make me weak in the knees. But I don't make you feel anything but regret and pity.
My heart wants you to come home but my brain is telling me I'm too good for that. And I am.
You took my son and your GF away on my fifth anniversary. I wasn't even worth seeing for five minutes. Not to you anyway. She has everything she wants and she used dirty tactics to get it and I know now you'll never see that. You didn't even notice she was doing cliche phone thing #1 last night.
It's too bad you can't see me for what I really am. The girl who sat beside you while you were naked talking on your interview. The girl who goes weak in the knees over you. I'm so sorry we fell into that rut. If I could go back I'd fix everything. I'd never not let you know just how many butterflies you still give me.
But I can't. And I also can't hold onto hope anymore. I'm abandoning all hope. And I'm finally ready to abandon our marriage and let you go.
I really hope you know what you're doing and what you're losing. You're losing your best friend. Your confidant. The woman who knows you better than even your own family. The woman who loves you more than anything.
I also really hope that it is worth it. Because it would suck even more if it wasn't. I think everyone but you can see how this is going to end with her and that's just as sad for me as it will be for you. Because I have to let my butterflies, and weak knees, and unconditional love for you go. I have to let this rich history we have go.
Because, honey, even though you don't believe it. I am a good person. I'm a loving person. I'm pretty, and smart, and funny. And I deserve better than this.
Enjoy our fifth anniversary weekend with her. You've finally utterly crushed my heart.
Your wife,
When we first started talking on (Swedish social network) and you asked to call me? I was at my mom's house and it was late at night and I was so afraid of waking her up and her being mad at me for talking to a man from the internet.
It was freezing and I took the phone outside and I answered. The first time I heard your voice my knees went weak. It had such a timbre and your accent was so beautiful. I never wanted to hang up. I wanted to talk to you for the rest of my life.
Then a month later you came off that plane with that ridiculous orange bag. There were butterflies in my stomach and you pulled me into your arms and kissed me making me yours. My knees were weak then too. I remember when you released me there was an old couple staring at us and smiling. I thought right then that I had found my soulmate for life.
Later in our trip you had your phone interview at (the place he now works) naked in our hotel bed. I still think about that sometimes and giggle. You were so handsome, baby. You still are.
When I would fly to London I could never sleep on the plane because I was so wound up and excited about seeing you. You met me at the airport every time even though it was a pain for you. I could barely wait to get back to your apartment and begin making love. You always had those strawberries and that bottle of Brut cold and waiting. I was weak in my knees.
The day we got married was freezing and there was a fish smell in the air. The sea lions were screaming at the top of their lungs. I got makeup on my dress and wanted to cry but you fixed it. You fixed everything. When the priest said for you to kiss me my knees went weak again. I still had the butterflies in my stomach. You were still my soulmate.
Then we had a baby. And my anxiety got out of control. We became partners rather than lovers. But I swear to you, everyday when you walked through our door from being at work my knees went weak and there were butterflies in my stomach.
I don't think wanting my soulmate back makes me weak. I think surviving this with as much dignity as I have makes me strong. Instead of talking to me you chose to go outside of our marriage with another married person. You made the decision to leave the family even though I was willing to do whatever it takes.
The past two days of talking made me incredibly happy. I felt like we were finally starting to be honest with each other. Maybe we were no closer to getting our lives back but I felt secure in your love for me again. I know you love me.
Now all of a sudden I feel like those two days are gone. I'm back to being regulated and there are no more I love yous from you. The pain of all of this is back tenfold.
The thing is whenever you walk into our house I still get weak in the knees. I still feel those butterflies. I still think you are the most handsome man in the world and your voice still makes me want to hold and touch you forever.
During these past two weeks that you've been gone I've beat myself up daily. I've told myself this is all my fault. I've told myself that if I work hard and make positive changes, changes that I really like for me, that you'll come home. But that's just not the case.
You say you have to see where this road leads. I think you know deep down where it leads. I think you know how many lives you're ripping apart to try it. I know you know just how bad this is killing me. But you won't come home.
Last night when our son called from the car and she did the laughing too loud thing I could see where we are. Because that's the FIRST thing the other woman does when she gets the chance. Makes sure the wife can hear her while the phone is on. It is so cliche that I almost laughed.
Anyway this longwinded thing was just my way of saying goodbye to you. I can't hold out hope anymore because you don't have hope for us. You are my everything. You still make me weak in the knees. But I don't make you feel anything but regret and pity.
My heart wants you to come home but my brain is telling me I'm too good for that. And I am.
You took my son and your GF away on my fifth anniversary. I wasn't even worth seeing for five minutes. Not to you anyway. She has everything she wants and she used dirty tactics to get it and I know now you'll never see that. You didn't even notice she was doing cliche phone thing #1 last night.
It's too bad you can't see me for what I really am. The girl who sat beside you while you were naked talking on your interview. The girl who goes weak in the knees over you. I'm so sorry we fell into that rut. If I could go back I'd fix everything. I'd never not let you know just how many butterflies you still give me.
But I can't. And I also can't hold onto hope anymore. I'm abandoning all hope. And I'm finally ready to abandon our marriage and let you go.
I really hope you know what you're doing and what you're losing. You're losing your best friend. Your confidant. The woman who knows you better than even your own family. The woman who loves you more than anything.
I also really hope that it is worth it. Because it would suck even more if it wasn't. I think everyone but you can see how this is going to end with her and that's just as sad for me as it will be for you. Because I have to let my butterflies, and weak knees, and unconditional love for you go. I have to let this rich history we have go.
Because, honey, even though you don't believe it. I am a good person. I'm a loving person. I'm pretty, and smart, and funny. And I deserve better than this.
Enjoy our fifth anniversary weekend with her. You've finally utterly crushed my heart.
Your wife,
Put the internet to work for you.
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