I've been lurking for about a year, but just now am getting courage to post.
I had not found TAM earlier, and confronted too soon and am stuck in Limbo - in several ways. Now I am stuck and need advice, especially from those in California.
H and I together 17 years 3 children 8 and under. My H. has a job that he can work at home anytime he wants. I have a FT job that isn't flexible and has very little vacation or sick pay. One of our kids needs regular occupational therapy, which he takes her to. H makes more, has better benefits. We have seperate accounts for everything, which we decided on prior to M.
About a year ago, I got a nagging feeling he was hiding something for a while. He has always been somewhat private, and I have always been extremely jealous and slow to trust anyone, and have often thought there was fire where there was not. Every time I had that feeling with him, he was hiding something. Not about fidelity, but about other things I didn't suspect- white lies, money, etc.
After being hurt several times by such things, about 5 years ago I withdrew and stopped being affectionate and speaking with him about any interests, etc. He has not shown any interest in spending time alone on dates without the kids, until a little while after the confrontations. HE had complained about me not acting interested and being unaffectionate, but I didn't listen because I THOUGHT I was protecting myself emotionally. There also was some incompatibility of desires/likes in the bedroom. Since the confrontation he has shown more interest in me, been more attentive and wanting to spend time with me more. He has been treating me WELL again, most of the time, instead of the confrontational and critical person he had been for a few years. Don't know if it matters or is an indicator of anything (then or now).
The last 5 years he has started exercising. I found aftershave with pheramones. He claimed it was just what he grabbed and didn't check it out.
I had noticed he was getting even a little more private about his technology. I mentioned his phone was always locked, etc. which he started to avoid accidental pocket calls. One day he left his phone unlocked, and I looked at his browser history. He had looked up several local escorts, about 8. Unfortunately, I confronted him too soon/ right away, and he made up some BS story. I asked him if he had used an escort, and he said no in a calm manner. I told him right then and there that I did not accept cheating of any kind, gave a list of examples, or we were done. When I said the last, he looked a little shocked. He looked very sad, and GUILTY a bit. The guilty look was after the last statement (that is not a PA) but I do not know if is was something in the string of things, or just the last thing in the list comment. Would not admit to anything. Pulls the "sad we're fighting / it is insulting you think I would do that" bit.
Later I found he had subscribed to a porn site. When I confronted him he got all sly/defensive/angry, too. Hmmm. Previously he said he was "never that into it".
Now here's where it gets tricky. I know he had control and privacy issues with his abusive family, prior GFs. I know he played games with his ex-GFs and planted "false" things to get them upset and expose them. H acted indignant that I snooped, and told me it is illegal. I looked it up - besides the federal wiretapping laws, in CA it is illegal to record, etc. if there is an "expectation of privacy", Which means that it (almost definitely is) illegal to use a VAR or keylogger. Also, H is a genius with technology and I have no doubt if he thinks I am snooping, he would find anything I did, and at best mess with me for revenge, and at worst, try to have me arrested or fined. Yes, I know DAs usually have more important things to do than prosecute, but examples are made occassionally (rarely), and I don't want to be that example. I am also positive if the worst happened and things were to fall apart, my H would want custody of the kids, and would try to use that to his advan tage.
I went on a rampage and started checking all of our phone bills, and AGAIN made the mistake of confronting too soon. I confronted about several numbers on the bill. Long story short is I know I confronted him about something I found out that he definitely had nothing to hide. However,this crushed me because i know he acted with this indignant/angry/defensive whether or not he is guilty of anything. How the Heck to tell? Also, I strongly suspect he is using software to take calls and/or texts to others, now. I have no proof, but I'm pretty positive. If it were anyone else in the world, I would say this is a DEFINITE cheat sign, but I am iffy on this. My H is enough of a control freak/vindictive person he would do it just so he wouldn't have to "deal with me", or even to "get back at me". He's done things like that to others.
I want to hire a PI, but I can't afford it. I looked into borrowing / loaning money, and can't make it happen. I did speak to a PI I happen to know. He said there wasn't much he could do for me even if I could afford to hire him- if my H is that technically savvy, other than physical reconnaissance. If it is just escorts some men only go to them every so often, not all the time, maybe every couple months due to cost. He said his calm reaction (which is less common for him) makes him believe he might have been telling the truth about not having gone to escorts, but can't tell. he said men get defensive and angry when confronted when guilty. He said his reaction to the porn thing means he was feeling guilty, etc.
If we didn't have kids, even though I am still madly in love with him, I am nearing the point where I would tell him either he goes to counseling with me, work on issues on how we treat eachother, and he needs to comes clean about everything, or I'm done. I am tired of being hurt, don't like how he sometimes treats me and possibly our kids, on top of the other stuff. However, we DO have kids and that makes things much more complicated. And before coming to any sort of conclusion on that for myself, as to what that may mean to me in actuality in logistics with the kids(from the range of attempting to redefine our relationship, or try to stop caring about him, try to negotiate being co-parenting roommates,or more physical separations, etc.), and wanting to prepare myself for the "worst case scenarios" of fallout in any confrontation, plan of action, or discussions that might come up, I saved up and shelled 400 to speak to a very good attorney. NOT to leave, I still love him and was hoping to work it out somehow, but I wanted to know how to best protect myself and my kids just in case of worse case scenario due to his recent behavior and to know realistic possibilities(if he ran off with an escort or a mistress or if he left me). Again, it gets worse. Apparently, in CA judges try to give split/joint custody most of the time. Mothers often do get primary physical custody, depending on the judge's prejudice. However, I would almost definitly be stuck in the county we live in, where i have no support . HOWEVER, if he were to fight for primary custody, there is a good chance he COULD get primary because of his work flexibility and taking our daughter to therapy, and his better finances for attorneys to fight. And even though he makes much more than me, if that were to happen I might end up having to pay him child support! I really don't care about $$$, I care about having primary physical custody of the kids and needing support. Even if the wors t happened and things fell apart, and it DID come down to split/joint custody, I really need to work out and figure out if he is being emotionally or verbally abusive to our kids (see below). Even if he is not, I worry about how he might act if there wasn't someone else around to check him.
Recently I was told by my cousin, who is a psychologist and VERY objective, that she thinks he is abusive to me "the way he speaks to me". She brought it up to me without me saying anything (never spoke to her about our relationship, at all!). I had several friends tell me this before, but I dismissed it because they usually are the types to be one sided/protective. Now I'm really hearing it, and I believe her. I am also concerned with how he treats the kids. Not going to get into details, but there are some behaviors that definitely bother me. I am thinking about this now, trying to figure out for sure if he is also emotionally abusive to the kids, and how to protect them if he is, and if so make it stop. My understanding from atty consult is courts don't take that sort of thing seriously or into account unless there is physical abuse or the emotional abuse is severe.
So here's where I am now. I am kicking myself for confronting too soon and feel like I do not have options to find out the truth. I would love it if things would work out, but H vehemently refuses to go to counseling.
Above all, I do not want to risk losing my children, and need to figure out if I need to protect them from him. I don't think I have any options, but am posting here just in case someone has some good advice for me.
So does anyone in California know the laws in what I can legally do to find anything else out since I blew it? OR know anything about custody, work, etc? I cannot afford another consult. What would you do at this point? I feel so betrayed, lost, and trapped, and STUPID for confronting too soon.
I had not found TAM earlier, and confronted too soon and am stuck in Limbo - in several ways. Now I am stuck and need advice, especially from those in California.
H and I together 17 years 3 children 8 and under. My H. has a job that he can work at home anytime he wants. I have a FT job that isn't flexible and has very little vacation or sick pay. One of our kids needs regular occupational therapy, which he takes her to. H makes more, has better benefits. We have seperate accounts for everything, which we decided on prior to M.
About a year ago, I got a nagging feeling he was hiding something for a while. He has always been somewhat private, and I have always been extremely jealous and slow to trust anyone, and have often thought there was fire where there was not. Every time I had that feeling with him, he was hiding something. Not about fidelity, but about other things I didn't suspect- white lies, money, etc.
After being hurt several times by such things, about 5 years ago I withdrew and stopped being affectionate and speaking with him about any interests, etc. He has not shown any interest in spending time alone on dates without the kids, until a little while after the confrontations. HE had complained about me not acting interested and being unaffectionate, but I didn't listen because I THOUGHT I was protecting myself emotionally. There also was some incompatibility of desires/likes in the bedroom. Since the confrontation he has shown more interest in me, been more attentive and wanting to spend time with me more. He has been treating me WELL again, most of the time, instead of the confrontational and critical person he had been for a few years. Don't know if it matters or is an indicator of anything (then or now).
The last 5 years he has started exercising. I found aftershave with pheramones. He claimed it was just what he grabbed and didn't check it out.
I had noticed he was getting even a little more private about his technology. I mentioned his phone was always locked, etc. which he started to avoid accidental pocket calls. One day he left his phone unlocked, and I looked at his browser history. He had looked up several local escorts, about 8. Unfortunately, I confronted him too soon/ right away, and he made up some BS story. I asked him if he had used an escort, and he said no in a calm manner. I told him right then and there that I did not accept cheating of any kind, gave a list of examples, or we were done. When I said the last, he looked a little shocked. He looked very sad, and GUILTY a bit. The guilty look was after the last statement (that is not a PA) but I do not know if is was something in the string of things, or just the last thing in the list comment. Would not admit to anything. Pulls the "sad we're fighting / it is insulting you think I would do that" bit.
Later I found he had subscribed to a porn site. When I confronted him he got all sly/defensive/angry, too. Hmmm. Previously he said he was "never that into it".
Now here's where it gets tricky. I know he had control and privacy issues with his abusive family, prior GFs. I know he played games with his ex-GFs and planted "false" things to get them upset and expose them. H acted indignant that I snooped, and told me it is illegal. I looked it up - besides the federal wiretapping laws, in CA it is illegal to record, etc. if there is an "expectation of privacy", Which means that it (almost definitely is) illegal to use a VAR or keylogger. Also, H is a genius with technology and I have no doubt if he thinks I am snooping, he would find anything I did, and at best mess with me for revenge, and at worst, try to have me arrested or fined. Yes, I know DAs usually have more important things to do than prosecute, but examples are made occassionally (rarely), and I don't want to be that example. I am also positive if the worst happened and things were to fall apart, my H would want custody of the kids, and would try to use that to his advan tage.
I went on a rampage and started checking all of our phone bills, and AGAIN made the mistake of confronting too soon. I confronted about several numbers on the bill. Long story short is I know I confronted him about something I found out that he definitely had nothing to hide. However,this crushed me because i know he acted with this indignant/angry/defensive whether or not he is guilty of anything. How the Heck to tell? Also, I strongly suspect he is using software to take calls and/or texts to others, now. I have no proof, but I'm pretty positive. If it were anyone else in the world, I would say this is a DEFINITE cheat sign, but I am iffy on this. My H is enough of a control freak/vindictive person he would do it just so he wouldn't have to "deal with me", or even to "get back at me". He's done things like that to others.
I want to hire a PI, but I can't afford it. I looked into borrowing / loaning money, and can't make it happen. I did speak to a PI I happen to know. He said there wasn't much he could do for me even if I could afford to hire him- if my H is that technically savvy, other than physical reconnaissance. If it is just escorts some men only go to them every so often, not all the time, maybe every couple months due to cost. He said his calm reaction (which is less common for him) makes him believe he might have been telling the truth about not having gone to escorts, but can't tell. he said men get defensive and angry when confronted when guilty. He said his reaction to the porn thing means he was feeling guilty, etc.
If we didn't have kids, even though I am still madly in love with him, I am nearing the point where I would tell him either he goes to counseling with me, work on issues on how we treat eachother, and he needs to comes clean about everything, or I'm done. I am tired of being hurt, don't like how he sometimes treats me and possibly our kids, on top of the other stuff. However, we DO have kids and that makes things much more complicated. And before coming to any sort of conclusion on that for myself, as to what that may mean to me in actuality in logistics with the kids(from the range of attempting to redefine our relationship, or try to stop caring about him, try to negotiate being co-parenting roommates,or more physical separations, etc.), and wanting to prepare myself for the "worst case scenarios" of fallout in any confrontation, plan of action, or discussions that might come up, I saved up and shelled 400 to speak to a very good attorney. NOT to leave, I still love him and was hoping to work it out somehow, but I wanted to know how to best protect myself and my kids just in case of worse case scenario due to his recent behavior and to know realistic possibilities(if he ran off with an escort or a mistress or if he left me). Again, it gets worse. Apparently, in CA judges try to give split/joint custody most of the time. Mothers often do get primary physical custody, depending on the judge's prejudice. However, I would almost definitly be stuck in the county we live in, where i have no support . HOWEVER, if he were to fight for primary custody, there is a good chance he COULD get primary because of his work flexibility and taking our daughter to therapy, and his better finances for attorneys to fight. And even though he makes much more than me, if that were to happen I might end up having to pay him child support! I really don't care about $$$, I care about having primary physical custody of the kids and needing support. Even if the wors t happened and things fell apart, and it DID come down to split/joint custody, I really need to work out and figure out if he is being emotionally or verbally abusive to our kids (see below). Even if he is not, I worry about how he might act if there wasn't someone else around to check him.
Recently I was told by my cousin, who is a psychologist and VERY objective, that she thinks he is abusive to me "the way he speaks to me". She brought it up to me without me saying anything (never spoke to her about our relationship, at all!). I had several friends tell me this before, but I dismissed it because they usually are the types to be one sided/protective. Now I'm really hearing it, and I believe her. I am also concerned with how he treats the kids. Not going to get into details, but there are some behaviors that definitely bother me. I am thinking about this now, trying to figure out for sure if he is also emotionally abusive to the kids, and how to protect them if he is, and if so make it stop. My understanding from atty consult is courts don't take that sort of thing seriously or into account unless there is physical abuse or the emotional abuse is severe.
So here's where I am now. I am kicking myself for confronting too soon and feel like I do not have options to find out the truth. I would love it if things would work out, but H vehemently refuses to go to counseling.
Above all, I do not want to risk losing my children, and need to figure out if I need to protect them from him. I don't think I have any options, but am posting here just in case someone has some good advice for me.
So does anyone in California know the laws in what I can legally do to find anything else out since I blew it? OR know anything about custody, work, etc? I cannot afford another consult. What would you do at this point? I feel so betrayed, lost, and trapped, and STUPID for confronting too soon.
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