First of all, I apologize for the length of this post but I feel the need to get everything out and get some feedback. Wife and I have been married for 15 years. We were best friends since 9th grade. Started dating in college and got married. Have 2 incredible children. My job is very time consuming and I am passionate about it. I own my role in this that I became a disconnected, disengaged and absent friend, father and spouse. About a year ago, I noticed a work relationship with my wife becoming uncomfortable for me. She had been promoted into a position where it was basically her and another woman worked pretty closely reviewing stuff. I confronted her with my uncomfortability immediately - she was on her phone a lot texting and emailing which was very uncharacteristic, she spoke very highly of this other woman who is 15 year solders and separated from her husband, and she was distant emotionAlly. I will admit to not really fostering an atmos phere of healthy communication in our household and I have insecurities that border on burdensome. However, this continued and I finally confronted her. We agreed to go to therapy to try to fix our marriage. In therapy, I expressed my uneasiness about this woman who she had begun to hang out with outside of work by now. I was belittled by my wife for even suggesting that this should be an issue. We continued counseling for 2 months and she continued with her uncharacteristic behavior. Finally, I had enough. I broke down, and asked point blank. My wife told me she was attracted to this female, was having sexual fantasies about her, wasn't as attracted to me as she should be and that she could no longer answer if she was in love with me. I was completely devastated. For seven months we continued counseling. We have grown to know each other so much better, to be more receptive to the constructive communication and support that we need, and all was good. Or so I thou ght. I have continued to have a hard time accepting this emotional affair so I would ask regularly if those feelings were going away for her coworker. After about 3 months of counseling she finally said yes, they're gone. I was so relieved but made a huge error. I told her I was so happy to hear that but that if it happened again I would leave her. Hindsight being 20/20 I could not have been any less supportive or understanding.
I agreed to support my wife in continuing her career and working with this individual. Additionally as far as i know this coworker has no idea how my wife feels or felt about her. I figured not doing so would breed resentment towards me and thought we could work it out. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My grandfather passed away which was very traumatic for me. We get home from the funeral and there are flowers addressed to only my wife from this coworker with a note attached "thinking of you. Love, XXX". Seems that a more appropriate gesture would have been to send flowers to our whole family (who she has met) with a note more appropriate "sorry for,your loss". Needless to say emotions were high and we spoke for two hours. I couldn't get this feeling out of my gut so I asked her again if she still had feelings for this person. Finally she admitted that there were still feelings for this person, although "diminished" (after saying they were GONE for six months). In a crappy move I checked her email. In the deleted files were numerous correspondences that made me nauseous. There were messages of admiration, how much fun they had and signed off with "love you" or "xoxo". She continually denies a physical affair which I believe. She said she was scared to be truthful because I told her I would leave.
We continue therapy and we continue to increase the depth of our relationship with each other. We truly love each other, but I don't think it's possible to commit totally to our relationship while she is still working in an atmosphere that basically enables these feelings to be grown. I suspect that there is a reciprocation of these feelings from the coworker to my wife even if it's unspoken. I have respectfully asked that she cut off all communication with this person outside of work necessity and to my knowledge that has happened.
How do I get over this? Should I insist on her leaving her job? Financially we cannot afford this. How can I ever be confident in myself and our relationship to know that she won't develop these feelings for another man or woman? And does her attraction to a woman mean she is gay? I realize women are different creatures and have emotional connections with each other that men sometimes can't replace. Is this all that was - a disconnect in our relationship that left her vulnerable to these feelings?
Thanks for listening. Just need some advice. Therapy is working very well and we have re-established our love but this is still eating at me. We communicate well and she gives me all the answers I should need and her actions now support it, but after the deceit and dishonesty I find it hard to totally trust her. It is getting easier each day but still hesitant to give her my vulnerabilities fully again.
I agreed to support my wife in continuing her career and working with this individual. Additionally as far as i know this coworker has no idea how my wife feels or felt about her. I figured not doing so would breed resentment towards me and thought we could work it out. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My grandfather passed away which was very traumatic for me. We get home from the funeral and there are flowers addressed to only my wife from this coworker with a note attached "thinking of you. Love, XXX". Seems that a more appropriate gesture would have been to send flowers to our whole family (who she has met) with a note more appropriate "sorry for,your loss". Needless to say emotions were high and we spoke for two hours. I couldn't get this feeling out of my gut so I asked her again if she still had feelings for this person. Finally she admitted that there were still feelings for this person, although "diminished" (after saying they were GONE for six months). In a crappy move I checked her email. In the deleted files were numerous correspondences that made me nauseous. There were messages of admiration, how much fun they had and signed off with "love you" or "xoxo". She continually denies a physical affair which I believe. She said she was scared to be truthful because I told her I would leave.
We continue therapy and we continue to increase the depth of our relationship with each other. We truly love each other, but I don't think it's possible to commit totally to our relationship while she is still working in an atmosphere that basically enables these feelings to be grown. I suspect that there is a reciprocation of these feelings from the coworker to my wife even if it's unspoken. I have respectfully asked that she cut off all communication with this person outside of work necessity and to my knowledge that has happened.
How do I get over this? Should I insist on her leaving her job? Financially we cannot afford this. How can I ever be confident in myself and our relationship to know that she won't develop these feelings for another man or woman? And does her attraction to a woman mean she is gay? I realize women are different creatures and have emotional connections with each other that men sometimes can't replace. Is this all that was - a disconnect in our relationship that left her vulnerable to these feelings?
Thanks for listening. Just need some advice. Therapy is working very well and we have re-established our love but this is still eating at me. We communicate well and she gives me all the answers I should need and her actions now support it, but after the deceit and dishonesty I find it hard to totally trust her. It is getting easier each day but still hesitant to give her my vulnerabilities fully again.
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