I've come to realize that because my H does not want to address issues, he uses a variety of tactics that are really killing what remains of our relationship. When he can't actually avoid talking about an issue, be it in our marriage or with the kids or finances, he has strategies that he uses to avoid actually talking about the issue. His strategies include dismissiveness, defensiveness, manipulation, and aggression.
Here are examples of each.
Dismissiveness:
Me: DS5 told me today that he doesn't ever want to get married or have kids.
Him: He's five.
Me: Yes, but DD7 also recently told me that she's sad and that she's been sad all her life. I think our home life is affecting them both in very negative ways.
Him: So take them to a therapist!
Defensiveness:
Me: Can you please not put papers down on the kitchen counter when I'm making dinner. I've asked you many times now to not do this, but it keeps happening.
Him: Well, you don't rinse out the cat food cans all the time and I never complain about that!
Manipulation:
Him: Let me ask you something. Do you think it's fair that you get to interrupt me when I'm trying to do homework with the kids? Answer me, yes or no. Do you think it's fair?
Me: I don't like how you are going about this. Can you just say that you don't think it's fair instead of trying to pin me on something?
Him: Oh, yeah. That's right. I forgot you don't like it when I ask you questions.
Aggression:
Me: I am depressed and can't figure out how to make things work anymore. It's affecting our kids, and I think it's time I move out.
Him: Fine. Go get your precious divorce. I know that's what you've wanted for a long time!
Here are examples of each.
Dismissiveness:
Me: DS5 told me today that he doesn't ever want to get married or have kids.
Him: He's five.
Me: Yes, but DD7 also recently told me that she's sad and that she's been sad all her life. I think our home life is affecting them both in very negative ways.
Him: So take them to a therapist!
Defensiveness:
Me: Can you please not put papers down on the kitchen counter when I'm making dinner. I've asked you many times now to not do this, but it keeps happening.
Him: Well, you don't rinse out the cat food cans all the time and I never complain about that!
Manipulation:
Him: Let me ask you something. Do you think it's fair that you get to interrupt me when I'm trying to do homework with the kids? Answer me, yes or no. Do you think it's fair?
Me: I don't like how you are going about this. Can you just say that you don't think it's fair instead of trying to pin me on something?
Him: Oh, yeah. That's right. I forgot you don't like it when I ask you questions.
Aggression:
Me: I am depressed and can't figure out how to make things work anymore. It's affecting our kids, and I think it's time I move out.
Him: Fine. Go get your precious divorce. I know that's what you've wanted for a long time!
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment