So much to say don't know where to begin.

I need advice badly. I'm married 24 years this August. The last 8 years have been very difficult. Most of my marraige I've been a stay at home wife. I did some private one on one training sessions but nothing big time. 8 years ago my husband decided to retire from the NYPD after working for 22 years. I thought the decision was rushed since he had no idea what he wanted to do, if he would do anything at all, plus we had two young children. I wasn't even 40 years old. We had a major fight then where he basically told me it was not my F$&@?n decision. I was terribly hurt and to be honest, I felt betrayed, belittled, and not worth much. It was as if I was one of his "things". At that point I decided to pursue an education for my love of yoga. He fought me all the way. Turning 40 made me realize I didn't need his permission to spend money to further my education.ni wrote a check out and this infuriated him. He's a control freak and I enabled that over the years. This for me is when our relationship started to shift. He would tell me "oh I'm just going to take off a couple of months and get a job". All this time behind my back he would laugh and tell our friends I'm going to do whatever I want for at least a year. I will admit the deeper I explored yoga and spiritual philosophy I started to view people and their actions differently. Of course he didn't like that either. Then a huge blow hit us both. Our youngest son, 11 years old at the time became very ill. It was months of doctor visits, his health getting worse and worse, and many invasive medical procedures. We were both at a loss and devastated because we couldn't do anything for our son. My yoga career was on the fast track but came to a screeching halt as my son wanted me there at his side. he was so small and frail he would crawl up into a ball in my lap and hold me tight. He was scared. My husband was and is your typical binge drinker. Responsible, great father, fantastic provider, great with my parents, etc.... But since retiring, his drinking was becoming a problem for me which in turn caused uncomfortable situations for the family too. Because of the experience of having a child with a life long illness (eventually diagnosed with severe Crohns Colitis, on intravenous Remicade) our social group started to deteriorate. My husband blames me. I will accept that I know longer wanted to be with shallow friends who couldn't be there to support me when my career was going well and especially when my heart was sick for months not knowing what was wrong with my son. Sorry this is long, you need the back story. Over these past few years my husband likes to remind me he worked at a job. I got him that job because I cried to my girlfriend I couldn't take him being home all the time. He barked orders at USA all the time (former captain on NYPD), he didnt clean up after himself, would go out drinking 2-3 times a week and it was always mid day drinking so he would come home just in time to sit for dinner. It's like walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set him off or into a rage. Then of course it's passing our on the couch in the den anytime between 5-7 p.m. My girlfriend convinced her husband to hire on my husband. That was for almost 18 months but it took its toll on our relationship and they let him go. For me, this has been a slow progressive state of depression. It's caused fights over and over again. Here he was collecting a nice pension and unemployment. We lacked for nothing so he couldn't understand why I was unhappy. I HATED his drinking. AND he thought it was ok for him to drink and drive, because he though That he wasn't drunk. Now I've come to learn he's also mismanaged our finances in the past few years. Things are so tight. We lived a good life. We lived in a very nice upper middle class home, drove luxury cars, took vacations, etc.....not the case now. Far from it. Also in the past four years I started a yoga apparel business. It was never meant to go in this direction. I started hand painting and designing random pieces when my son was first diagnosed. I had to stop teaching yoga so I could be home for him. I decided to absorb myself in artwork so that I could stop crying and focus my mind on other things. The yoga, the meditations, everything just made me mad. I actually had a Tibetan Buddhist tell me to breathe and relax. Can you imagine? Like that was going to bring life to my son who was near death. So moving forward to now, I have a very successful yoga apparel company. I can't move it forward because I do everything and every cent I make is pushed right back into purchasing inventory or product development. I've been trying for 2 years to get to the manufacturing phase so I can start to wholesale. I've asked my husband to help. He starts with some small task then finds a reason why he can't complete it. I will say thank god my youngest son is in remission but I can't stand that this Remicade he receives every 8 weeks is like chemo with many bad side effects. This disease has authentically changed my son from a happy go lucky kid to a somewhat closed down person who has serious issues with cleanliness and germs. My oldest graduated college last year with a bachelor's in Criminal Justice. Hes always wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, hopefully makiing Inspector. Took the NYPD exam a few years back. Made it through all interviews and exams up until the physchological. He failed that. Another heart breaker. So now we are proceeding with a long, lengthy and expensive lawsuit which rarely comes out with good results. My older son's spirit is now broken. All of his friends have taken the test. His best friend is entering the academy tomorrow. My son should have been with the next class. Another reason for my husband to drink. I snapped recently at a family function. This was it for both of us. I told him I might want to drink so no drinking for him. I always have to be the babysitter and DD. I wasn't going to drink a lot because I had a lot of orders to work on the next day. He immediately thought that meant he could drink. 5beers down in one hour. Infuriated me. He looks for any excuse to drink and once he does its hard for him to stop. The rare times we do go out to events, I'm always uptight because he will drink too much abd become aggressive and belligerent with me. And of course once again I have to be the designated driver. I've been wanting to get out for years but have been too weak minded, scared of the unknown. I worry about my boys. This can and probably will cause a Crohns flair in my youngest. I left that family party with my parents. Our in laws wanted us to come back to their home for a few drinks but I knew what that meant for me. I was done. He abviously is done too. He told his sister and brother in law he can't take this **** anymore. Now the whole family knows. He makes me out to be the witch. They encourage him to hang and drink. Yeah, he's fun for everyone else but me. We tried to talk for a few days after, but the reality is we just have nothing in common. To go out with him is dinner and drinking, always lots of drinking. Vacations are always around casinos and drinking. I just hate this life. I am physically beautiful, a smart entrepreneur, and a loving person. I feel like I deserve so much more. Even my parents, who love my husband (he has many good qualities) say life is too short to be miserable. I'm crippled with fear. He's accumulated so much debt that we will barely walk away with $100,000 each and that is if we don't fight it out, which I'm sure we will. He is a very demanding and intimidating man. I look at 24 years of accumulating everything in this house and just cry. My doctor gave me Xanax. I can't eat as I have no appetite. The other day I took 2 Xanax and had three glasses of wine. This was 4th of July. By 7:30 I had thrown up and was laying on the bathroom floor. My husband did take care of me but he was happy because I was drinking with him. What he doesn't know is I was trying to numb myself. I don't know what to do, where to go? I'm so lost. I'm sad but know this can't work anymore. I want more from life. Sometimes I think how easy it would be to swallow that whole bottle of Xanax so I would have to feel anything anymore. I just am so scared

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