Think I might be lesbian

Hi i m 17 and I never thought about my sexuality until I was 15 when I fell for a straight girl. At the time I didnt really realise it, but I found I began to get nervous around her and couldn't even speak to her properly anymore without thinking a LOT about what I was gonna say to her. I don't know if I was just being silly, but it made me feel useless, and I felt so insecure, but I couldn't say anything to anyone cause I didn't even recognise that I might be gay or bi. After we stopped talking so much, which hurt a lot as she was my best friend as well as well as feeling this was my fault :( I figured that maybe I was gay. I didn't really know what to do and felt beyond reason, like nothing really mattered anymore I told her that maybe I was lesbian. This just made me feel a lot worse, especially as my other best friend was Asian and felt that people just decide that they are gay, which I don't agree with. After a year or two of justifying everything I was doing, like homework, I got to the stage where for a year I couldn't get out of bed and to school at least once per week without crying. I reckon I haven't been the easiest child too raise and my brother was going through a life threatening illness at the same time so I guess my parents just thought I was depressed about that. Anyway I ve always wanted to be a vet before this started and to keep up the look of being fine I carried on 'trying' to become a vet, as a result I didnt get very good AS grades, but Ijust decided to ignore everything and resist the year. I think ignoring my confusion on my sexuality and focusing on work was the hardest thing I ever did. Anyway I returned to be happy again, putting everything behind me. Trouble is that I fell for a girl again I got drunk at a party and came out that I was gay. I told my parents and they were ok about me maybe being gay. The thing is I couldn't accept it still. So I told my close friends that I think I am straight after all. Which sometimes I think I might be, which is why I now think I m bi, I feel trapped until I go to uni in a years time :( and I just want to explore my sexuality, what should I do?

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