my husband cheated on me and got the girl pregnant!

Okay, please don't judge me or say "you was insane to stay with him this long" etc...I just want to talk about it and get some advice :( I'm 21, I was with him from my 17th birthday, he was 24. I have a son that will be 2 in september, we got married when i was 18. in the beginning I kind of knew what he was doing, but i never had proof never had anyone giving me drama so I just put it to the side. when i started living with him and got pregnant...it was more obvious. i was so scared to be alone, like SO scared that i tried desperately to be patient and be the best woman i could be hoping that would stop him. He's either got a problem with sex or he just doesnt care about ANYONE! thats what hurts the most just thinking that these 4 years didnt mean s*** my son and I just dont mean anything! i found out he was cheating on me with his baby mother, this was before i married him and i was pregnant with his child, but i found out i was pregnant after i found out he had cheated. she spoke the truth and said it wasn't anything emotional literally just sex. I couldnt handle it and i was young, my mum pressured me into abortion so I did it. I regret it, but I wouldn't have my son now if I didnt do it. I got bacj with him after the abortion, he expressed he was sorry etc I just thought maybe he would have learned. then couple months later i find out this girl he had been seeing from years ago, but i thought they had last contact said shes pregnant. i saw a text from his sister saying "I know you dont want anything to do with her and you just want ellie but shes pregnant" of course i was devastated, i had been pregnant and i had to go through getting an abortion on my own while this girl that didnt mean anything was going to keep the baby. anyway, we got married and i got pregant, i was happy. . sometimes. i mean his soon to be baby mother knew we got married and me being naive thought, "women wouldnt do that thats horrible" i guess not everyones like me. she came out and told me he'd been having sex wit hher the whole time, he denied it then he told me the truth. days later he went jail...i decided to forgive him and i think he was nicest hes ever been in there lol obviously we know why. while he was in jail i had to have my son on my own, it was really hard but i got on with it. when he came out perhaps 2 months later (it was nothing big) everything was SO good.. it was just great. then slowly slowly he started getting back into his old ways. one morning he said he was going gym and i just KNEW you know when you just get that instinct? I rang his phone again and again he took ages to come back when he said he was on his way and the gyms just down the road. i sat there when he came back and all i said was "i know somethings going on, but im not even mad because literally i feel like i can feel god speaking to me and telling me he will show me i just have to be patient" it was the weirdest feeling, but thats what happened. anywayfound out he had been having sex with her again, it killed me and broke me down...but i stayed with him. i dont know why i just did like a fool. love is blind...urgh ive been through so much crap with him it hurts so effing much. anyway...forgave him but i never forgot for months after i would cry myself to sleep, or wake up from a dream of him having sex wit ha girl and cry. he would be next to me...after that maybe 7 months later he needs to see his daughter, the one he has with the girl he cheated me on. im not horrible, its not the childs fault so i said lets all go to the park together wit hthe kids. we got along you know, we actually had an alright time in the parks. a month after that she tells me he did it again, he was cheating on me wit hher. he denied it, she showed me a picture of him naked laying in her bed. wow. i left, and stayed at my mums. etc etc a month later we got back together, he said he had only done it with her once whatever whatever i got back wit hhim! i dont know i think i wanted win which was very immature. maybe a month or 2 after we got back together, i find this girls number ring her, hes been seeing her for like 4 months she comes down from out of london, he takes her to this dingy little flat and well they get it on. she killed me, because during these times he HARDLY touched me, like it was once every 2 or 3 weeks. obviously because he enjoyed her way more and was with her at least twice a week. it really effing killed me i mean god the pain is so unbearable its like nothing ive ever felt before. she even said he did things to her he never with me! he used our bedroomn stuff ie pills with her etc etc. i remeber we went out for dinner and had a really nice night for once, after all we were always arguing during these times. i thought that when we got home we would finish the night with making love but instead he loved me, and i asked him "please stay with me i wanted us to make love" and he still said no and left. obviously to go to her. god rethinking on this stuff im actually thinking how did I let him back in. im so scared to be a single mum, so scared to be alone, its not even him that i want next to me per se, if my friend lived with me i'd be fine and wouldnt take him back. anyway...now 10 months later, but not knowing that he had been seeing this girl since last year around the same time I just found out about that last girl ispoke about. hes cheated on me with her and got her pregnant,~(i now have my own place so hes taking her to his house but ALL my stuff is in his house, every where around him. hes sleeping with a fgirl in the sheets i put on the bed, that i bought around all my clothes every where my perfumes etc.) how i found out is i saw a text on his phone, you know on a iphone it comes up on the screen (thank god i set his phone like that otherwise id be none the wiser) saying "hmm fine, ive brought up two on my own already i can bring up another. have a nice life" ive gone WHAT and befor i could look he deleted the messages before hand so i couldnt see what they had spoken about the efing prick. i got the jist, she had said she was pregnant and he had said well i dont want any kids. i said ring her, he tried to put me off by saying "il go to my house blah blah" im like fine ring her!! she answers and he says "im with my mrs yeah tell her you and i are nothing" i took the phone and askjed if shes pregant with his baby, she said yes. i asked how far along she said thats between him and her, so i laughed and said "babes im his wife, we live together in my house what do you think this is?" she was shocked and said he had told her me and him had divorced as we didnt communicate anymore. she then tells me i had spoken to her last year and she had lied on the phopne ofr him. (i had seen a number last year and rang it, the girl had said no dont worry nothings going on with us im not like that" can you believe this s***???? what these girls are doign these days?! well obviously she knows me and him are together then right!!! he ends the call and acts indifferent to me. like really cold and it just makes me cry i cant believe how hes treating me. we fight, i grab his phone and get the jist of new messages from her. which were "yo told me you had feelings for me when we was laying in your bed" and "tell your wife she wont have to worry about me anymore" god i went mad, i wanted to kill him. i punched him i kicked him i threw the bed head board at him. he strangled me the little p***y !!!! urgggghhhh iuts been like thre days now. iuve had a really good cry and felt lighter, thought it still hurts. he has said to me hes sorry "i should knew he loves me" how the hell should i know that!?!?!? are you flipping nuts?!?!? and also said shes getting an abortion im like wow thats nice!! he also said "you held the title wife" OMG i cant believe this guy eff sake... I want to stay away fromn him and I'm going to. I cant go into that crap again its not healthy for me or my son. its pretty obvious he doesnt lo ve me and hell never change...id just like to hear some encouraging words xxxx thanks for listening p.s...he says he cares but then hes not even doing anything about it you know? he hasnt come over or i dont know cried! something! *shakes head* i just feel so peed like so HURT that everything i went through meant nothing...i tried so hard to be the best i could be for this stupid man. i started a life wit hhim, a family... for nothing. i know i can only blame myself god i must sound pathetic. but it hurts so much :'(

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