Dealing With Apathy

I divorced nearly 3 years ago. 3 years ago by this time it was clear that my marriage was spiraling out of control and my emotions were at a level they'd never been to before. My whole body was tense all the time, and I was losing weight so fast that people started to comment. I walked away form the only man I have ever loved in October of 2010 and have never seen him since. In the first 6 mos I lived in a shell. I started over numb, emotionless and robotic in my routine. I stayed away from people socially, but couldn't avoid them at work. I had moved to the midwest from Alaska, so lots of people wanted to know why and hear my story. Why was I back after being gone for so long? I hated to tell people that I went through what I went through, especially if they pried at me for details. After the 6 mos had passed, I realized I'd made lots of new friends quickly, and began to socialize like crazy. Regularly I drank myself in to a stupor and would go home crash, work and do it all over again. I "felt" I had my life back that I was me again. This lasted about a year and half, then one day BANG! I was simply out of control. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I'd gone out on so many dinner dates and for so many beers with so many guys; sometimes I was dating 4-5 guys at the same time. When it was just 1 guy, it was usually because there were potential emotions coming at me, I could see them coming, they were always just out of reach, then... splat! The relationship would end. I couldn't commit, I didn't want to. Basically I live by this motto "I do what I want". (within practical and rational reason). There is no harm, and no foul in what I do. I simply just want to do what I want to do all the time. My last relationship was great, but because I didn't want to sleep with him, I got dumped. The one before that wasn't great, and I slept with him a bunch, and I still got dumped. But really at the core of it, I couldn't seem to bring myself to care. This above everything is probably what bothered all of the men in my life the most. I'm apathetic, and with the exception of my ex-husband I've never attached myself to any other individual man in my life. I don't have abandonment issues or daddy issues. I come from a normal standard mid-western couple, 2 sisters, cat dog, house the epitome of the "nuclear family". We're educated and do well for ourselves. I'm successful and single and secure in myself. Currently I'm celibate by choice. Almost 9 months now. I have lots of single guy friends that I've acquired in the last couple years and they're all (and I mean all) desperate to get out of the "friend zone". To me I find this disrespectful. They know exactly how I feel. They know that I'm done with relationships. That my choice to be by myself is a very serious and long-term one. I may be a sexy and vivacious young woman, but I'm true to my convictions. I'm not leading anyone on, and they know how I feel about them. I'm spending less time with a few of them because I no longer drink. But I don't know how to bridge this gap with men. Why don't they understand my apathy? My stagnate sex life... my insensate heart... Why don't they understand that if they want me to be happy, they need to let me be?

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