Affair Coming Back To Haunt Me 25 Years Later?

My D-day was 11/6/87, when I received a letter from the OWH, who also sent 4 love letters my CH had sent to the OW on her birthday for the 3 yr. affair. Shock doesn't even describe how I felt, when I thought we had a wonderful 25 yr. marriage, were high school sweethearts, got married at 18 and worked our way up the corporate ladder, after starting our marriage with $90. We or I should say "I" went to 5 yrs. of counseling, Retro weekends, etc., but he didn't really participate with me. He lied from the very beginning for a whole year. I had 3 children at home, was 40 yrs. old, no college experience and if I had left, it would have been a financial mess, so I still loved him and tried to work it out, much more than he did. He continued drinking to much at social functions, ignoring me and never acted remorseful. He's quit drinking, after 35 yrs. this past Christmas a year ago, is less controlling, trying to make the marriage work finally. All the t hings he should have done 25 yrs. ago. I am angry, hurt, depressed, sad and don't know what to do. I am looking for the 5th. marriage counselor, for myself and us, which he has agreed to go to this time and work on it. I just can't seem to find any feelings for him anymore. I don't even like looking at him, nor want him to touch me. I look at myself now at 69, still look pretty good, but have lost a lot of my hair, probably due to stress, hormones and thyroid, so I sure don't feel like I look pretty anymore. I don't care if I do for him or not, he sure didn't notice how good I looked when I was 40, ignored me, focused on his affair partner, so those good years aren't here anymore. Now I have to wear a wig to even look pretty and I feel a lot of my hair loss is due to stress. Where was he when I did look good, the compliments, me in the prime of my life and I loved him so much and was so happy, except when he would try and control me. That sure isn't happening anymore. During the past 4 yrs., with the last one being the worse, I have reevaluated my life and really see what kind of person he truly is, not the man that I thought I married that would cherish me, like I did him. I put up with so much all those years, not being a good Father, the drinking, controlling everything, not attentive enough to end up at 69 not sure if I love him or not and I don't know what to do. This past year has me asking him questions about the affair that he never answered before, I had to get some of the answers from the OW, as all he did was lie or say nothing or get very angry. He says that he has put it out of his mind, he doesn't remember much of what really happened, why he did what he did and now he regrets it. But where was that regret 25 yrs. ago if he truly loved me? I don't even know if he knows what that word means? He has a Narcisstic personality and is very selfish. I just don't know what to do, I found some of the love for 20 yrs. after the affair and don't know what caused it to leave me again. I don't want to be connected to him, don't want him to see me undressed, etc. I feel that he is still lying about things and he doesn't want to discuss it anymore. Even when we have, it's like pulling teeth to get answers and so many don't make sense. I have a feeling that even with all the therapy, I couldn't handle what he did and I suppressed what he did to me and now it's all come back worse than before. I am still looking for that counselor that can help us make it, if that's possible. Any suggestions are surely welcome. Granny7

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