Love her so much, but not feeling good about reconciling.

I'm dealing with my wife's 3rd and (kind of) 4th "indiscretion" right now. We've been married for eleven years and the first affair (slept with him twice) occurred two years into our marriage while I was hospitalized. I didn't find out about it for six more years - by which time he was one of my closest friends. I confronted him while we were shooting clays (the look on his face realizing that I was armed and asking him about sleeping with my wife was pretty priceless), but I wasn't really mad at him (just pissed at her) so I was able to get a lot of my questions answered and I felt better. It was easier to move on because it had happened early in our marriage, I was able to confront him, they both were genuinely sorry, and I was able to verify information by questioning them separately. The second time was a one night stand with a guy we knew in high school (this was about 7 months ago). She immediately came home and begged my forgiveness - lots of tears, etc. I asked her some questions and got really short unsatisfactory answers. I made a point to ask her several times if she used protection, as I know this guy was a heroin addict for several years and she assured me she did. Later that evening she confessed that she had not used protection. Ultimately, she cut off all contact with him, but I've never had either the opportunity to confront him (apparently he is terrified of me because I'm a hunter and arms collector) nor satisfactory answers about the affair. It still hurts me in ways I can't describe because I didn't have closure. The day after that affair we made lists of the things we thought were wrong in our marriage, made plans on how to correct these things, etc. I was hopeful that we were really going to move forward. To date, I completed the entirety of the list of things I needed to do, she has done none. I even ended up doing the STD tests because she wouldn't even do that. On December 12th, she told me she wanted a divorce. I asked her point blank if she was sleeping with a specific co-worker (turns out this affair started just over 2 weeks after the one night stand) - a man who had been a guest in my house along with his wife and two children - and she confirmed that this was the case, but that it was over and had nothing to do with her leaving me. We were still living in the same house (I moved into the spare room) when she told me she had set up a profile on Match.com because I had been out with a female friend of mine several times (truth is she is just one of the few shoulders I felt I could cry on) and we were separated anyway. Two days later she went to meet some guy from the site for coffee at 8:00 pm. The next day I woke up to find her work stuff still at home and she wasn't. She came in about 10:30 am and I got to try to explain to my 6 year old why mommy was coming home at this time on a work day. She admitted fairly readily that this one-night stand was "just to be cruel". Three days later, she suddenly can't live without me and will do anything to reconcile. Since the only answers to questions about the affair she would give me were terse one or two word answers, I asked to read her text messages between her and him during the time since she told me she wanted a divorce. Bad idea, but at least I know - she begged him to leave his wife, he said no so that night she had the one night stand and then rubbed it in his face for three days until he made it super clear that there was not a future for them. That's when she decided she had to be with me. At this point, I don't have much info and it is destroying me. What little info I do have just makes me feel like a stable backup plan. Honestly, I'm not sure why I agreed to marriage counseling or why I'm here. . . feeling totally immasculated and betrayed and worthless. The only thing is that I still love her so much. I'm feeling trapped. After supporting her and paying for her college and master's degree she got her dream job so I stopped working to be a stay-at-home dad. My resume is shot and when we were talking divorce she agreed that I would have custody of our daughter to reduce trauma to her (she would have her every other weekend). I don't have a way to support my daughter and I at this point, and am facing starting over in a career that took me years to build.

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