What to do when it's not a team effort.

I'm not sure where to begin, because the is so much back story. Anyway, I think I have reached a point in my life were I am no longer willing or able to have a horrible sex life. Although it has been much improved in the last year or so I am loosing faith that it will ever get to where it is at lease an even compromise between our levels of desire. This is the typical high desire husband and low desire wife scenario. We have had the sex talk many times in our relationship and that is all it ever is, talk. There is never any action to back it up. There has been a lot happen over the years. She has been dealing with major depression for several years, and she recently admitted what amounted to an emotional affair with an old boyfriend some time back. She also has told me recently of a short-lived case of sexual abuse as an adolescent, somewhere around age 12. I am not perfect myself. I realize I have at times been emotionally neglectful of my wife and I have broken her trust at times. Not affair material, just things that were important to her that I did not live up to my word on. So we have trust issues, we don't communicate very well, and have a large sexual incompatibility. How we have managed 3 kids and 10 years of marriage is beyond me. Anyway, to try and get to the point, we have had some ups and downs. It has become clear to me that my wife needs professional counseling to help her deal with her depression and trust issues, but is unwilling to seek help because we cannot handle the financial burden. I am trying to be more vocal about my emotional and physical needs as a husband, but it is falling on deaf ears. I just want my wife to desire me, to at least put in as much effort as I feel I do. The main problem is the depression. It is her scape-goat, and she uses it well. Nothing can ever be her fault and when you do call her on something she will get incredibly angry to deflect attention or power grab and then try to end the discussion. She did it to me about thirty minutes ago. Last week she was making effort to be more direct with me about wanting sex and to be intimate. As per the normal routine, by the time we got the kids to bed and the evening to ourselves, she was tired and no longer in the mood. She also happened to be sick during the last week. Now while i understand the being sick part, if you indicate you want sex, please don't back out at the last minute. That is like dangling a $100 in front of a homeless person and then snatching away when they try to reach for it. After a few times they are either going to give up or get pissed. Growing tired of this treatment over several days I eventually just stopped trying. It was bothering me so much that I wrote my wife a letter to try and explain that all of this was much more about the emotional connection than the physical stuff. I was thinking that she might have a response. I got none. For another week there was no indication from her about how she felt. Finally tonight I started a conversation about the note and it ended as most of them do, badly. I was calm and cool the entire time, and held to what I had put in the letter, she got more and more angry, and by the end of ten discussion she flat out told me that she was mad and that the discussion was over because she would not be able to continue without becoming mean. She then went to bed. Like I said, I am at the point where I no longer want to feel ashamed or stupid for wanting physical intimacy from my wife. I do not want to wake up when I am sixty and regret my entire marriage and life. I want this to work, but she doesn't seem to see the value in it. Sex just isn't important to her. I guess this is my way of trying to work things out, since I don't seem to be able to work them out with her. If it is relevant at all, we have been married for ten years, have three kids, and we ae both 31. Also as an aside, I typed this on an iPad so even after proofreading there might be a mistake or three.

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