Real Talk

I am at the end of my rope in my marriage, again! My husband and I have been together for 21 years married 19 and for the last 12 I have struggled hard to maintain my sanity. We both have done a lot of growing in this time but I cannot help feeling my husband would rather have a companion much more than a wife. We've considered divorcing at least three times over the last 20 years and I am reaching that point again. On the surface we look like the perfect family and couple great kids etc. On the inside I am dying of loneliness. We have weathered adultery and porn over the years where I have always caught him never fessing up to anything ever. Our sex life is almost non existent and has been for at least a decade. I'm always the one who complains we don't have enough sex or sex at all. If I never mentioned it ever again I doubt it would even bother him. Every time I mention sex or the lack thereof he acts completely clueless and caught off guard or plays the martyr where it's always his fault (guilt trip). He will do anything to get out of sex including making dates with me to do it and then asking me to go somewhere with him instead not even acknowledging what he'd promised just a couple of hours earlier. He will get up at 6:00 AM on a Saturday and clean closets, wash cars he will find anything to do but me. Most if the times when he will touch me sexually is within 15-20 minutes of me getting up to go to work (WTF?) but he constantly wants to go and do other things in public. Always wanting to know why don't we go out anymore and I'm thinking to myself the same reason why we don't do something else anymore. We're fine as long as we're watching tv, or movies, hanging out with our children and I do enjoy his company but I did not get married to be celibate. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to stay sane. He does not have ED and I'm to the point now where I'm tired of playing detective in my own marriage to find ou t what is really going on. When is he gonna give a flip about us? I'm just tired of feeling rejected, unwanted, the avoidance and I'm just done through and through. We went to counseling but it was a bust we talked some but never got to any real issues and haven't been back in over 2 months. My husband has dealt with being molested, sex addiction and same sex attraction in the past so I really think and feel like I'm just a smoke screen for a life he's just unwilling to admit to or deal with. He has not really gone into detail with a counselor but after I demanded a polygraph he came clean with a lot of things. We have been to and fro on this issue and he claims he hasn't acted out in a long time but I don't know if I believe him and I feel like I'm at a point where I don't care even anymore. Today I just exploded on him after the incident I mentioned earlier where he told me he wanted sex and then changed his mind or "forgot" just two hours later asking me if I wanted to go out. I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate to sound insensitive but if he were willing to communicate or even act like he cared about anything other than keeping up appearances I might not be so bitter. **

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