Is there still hope or is it done?!

Hi! New to the forum and want to tell my story for some insight.. Im legally seperated now for around 2-1/2 months but have been seperated a total of almost a year. I was married 18 years and have 3 children with my ex.. Where to start! Well I was an idiot for much of my marriage! I am a recovering alchoholic in AA for the 10 months...I was a drinker, not an everyday drinker but more like once a week. I also had bad habits like going out after work with the guys and not coming home on some occasions, I was arrested 4 times 3 of which were for DWI convictions, I also had a gambling habit as well. Many of the nights I was drinking I blew lots of cash needlessly.. My ex still stood by me till last year. I could notice little things about her had changed. We still had sex but she really didnt kiss me passionately anymore and i knew there was a problem. I wrote her a long letter in Dec of 2011 saying how I want to change and make the marriage work, She responded by saying with all I have done she has taken her love away and if i want it back I had to work for it by showing her I loved her by not doing the things I did in the past.. A few weeks prior to this she had started going out with girlfriends who were divorced or seperated...every weekend it was a Im going out with the girls thing! So like a moron I decided If she is going out Im going out too! Needless to say I didnt stop the drinking then. This continued till mid January her going out, me going out tit for tat crap...Anyway one night not long after I get the Im not in love with you anymore line...So I left and moved in with a friend 65 miles away...The following week it was valentines day and I came to drop off cards for the kids and her along with flowers and just left. She text me afterwards stating that she loves me and always will but she isnt sure what she wants. A week after I come to the house to see the kids and slept over on the couch because I was a long way from where I was staying. I got up in the early am to get ready for work and decided to snoop...In her truck I find a card from her to another guy at her job who started working there a month early saying how she is crazy about him, thinks about hoim all the time, etc..I went completely nuts! So at this point I know that she is seeing this other guy who is about 13 years her jr! I decide f@@k this and just left..We continued to talk from time to time. Sometimes it was amicable others it wasnt. most of the time she contacted me was about support for the kids which I never reneged on..They are my kids. Things at this point just went on the way they went on...About 6 months later she mentions that she cant care for the home and asked if i wanted to buy her out of the house so I did with $50,000 in which case we had gotten the legal seperation to make everything legal as too protect myself with giving her $50 grand I needed everything legal so that she no longer had a right to the house. The legal seperation was done around 2-1/2 months ago..I am now living at the home and she has her own apartment. We have joint custody of the kids and she only asked for half the child suport she was entitled to for our youngest. Its a good agreement that is working out so far and god willing continues to do so... Anyway, There were a few times threw the year where we talked and i had asked her about working things out.. She said no..She has love for me but is not in love with me. But yet she has also mentioned things like who knows? Maybe next year we will be back together, she has also text me at one point asking me to meet her at a club one night which i refused too but i think it was only due to her and this new guy breaking up for a short time. It still appears they are still together and i am still sort of sitting in limbo here wondering what the future holds for us if anything. We had at one point disgust divorce. We both decided not too right now as she has a heart condition and needs my benefits. She also mentioned she had a long talk with her sister about it and that her sister told her why not wait? What if you miss him in the future? My thing is, if she was gonna miss me wouldnt she by now? whether with someone else or not if she loved me wouldnt she miss me even if she is with this new guy? I know I am all over the place guys! Im sorry but one of her reasons she says for falling out of love with me is that the morning she went into heart surgery I want there cause I had to be at a court date for my last DWI... I know I know! I should have told my lawyer to cancel it but I was afraid to go to jail in which I culdnt do anything for my wife if I did..If I only knew then what I know now! I know she definitley had her reasons for leaving but to do what she did wasnt right either...She also sends mixed sigles sometime with saying thing like I mentioned earlier and texting me to meet her. It hasnt happened often but it did happen.. Your thoughts? Is the marriage dead? should I file for divorce? Cant afford it right now but just want to get insight from people who have been in a similar situation..

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