Intense Guilt Over Leaving - How Do I Get Over?

I feel like I am losing my mind, and I need some advice. I have posted before about the verbally and sometimes abusive husband I left 5 months ago. He was calling me names and pushing, slapping, kicking me in front of our son, who is now 4. My son had even told people that "daddy is mean to mommy" and "daddy hits mommy." When my husband pulled me down the stairs by my hair and told my son "your mommy is a f'ing b****" that was the end of it for me. He didn't work much during the marriage, and I handled 100% of the bills for more than 7 years. There were also some major sexual issues, with him controlling me with sex, asking me to swap with other couples, have a threesome with a woman we know, etc. (and texting her inapporiately, exchanging photos, etc.) He asked to have a girlfriend since I was "no longer enough for him." I participated in one of his fantasies and it made me feel absolutely disgusted and I ended up having an emotional affair after that with the man. Crap hit the fan last year, when the emotional affair was exposed and I told him I wasn't happy and was thinking about leaving. He promised to change and even got a job. He refused counseling saying he could just be nicer to me so he didn't lose me. I gave him that chance, and I also ended the emotional affair. Over the next 8 months, things just got worse and the abuse escalated, so I left. Since I have been out of the house, we have been splitting time with our child. My husband has used our son as a pawn, telling me I can't have him all of a sudden if I make him mad. He has stalked me at times when he has him, and he feeds my son lines of BS, such as "Mommy must only love you half as much as she did since she only wants to see you half the time," etc. If I make him angry, he'll refuse to let me have our son, like on Christmas Day. Since I wouldn't give him sex, he said "forget having your son" even though we agreed to it and I went out of my way to make sure he could see the child on Christmas Eve, which was "my day". This goes on and on with him using our child as leverage. He still threatens me by saying I can make him nice again by just coming home. He feels he is cured b/c he attended 3 counseling sessions for anger issues. I feel that by him using our son, that he has not changed one bit. So why do I feel such intense guilt for leaving him? I know it's just more of the same with him. He still tries to control and manipulate every situation, and using our son to me says he hasn't changed. I know I don't love him or respect him anymore, but I wonder, how do I pull through this and continue to move forward?

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