Google Told Me to Come Here

Good morning! I found this forum via Google. (Google has all, if not, the most interesting answers/suggestions to anything.) I wanted to say good morning to everyone - I thought this maybe the most appropriate place to post considering my personal circumstances. Briefly - I have been with my husband since I was sixteen-years old. We have three children, a home, a couple cats, and lots of debt together. I am not good at this - so, as I type I want those who read this to know that I believe a marriage is 100/100 and I believe the breakdown of my marriage is both of our faults. My husband is an alcoholic. I'm not a "drinker", although on occasion I will drink socially. As I reflect back on all the situations between us that has brought me here - I realize I'm embarrassed to share it all with you - BUT ... will do it anyways because the truth is what matters. He has been in & out of rehab, arrested quite a few times, and in the end .. none of it made a difference. I was a co-dependent/enabler without realizing it. I thought I was just being a loyal wife by sticking it out and trying to help him and of course - keep our family together. However, so many years later I realize it is just madness! This madness is affecting our children and myself. I have attempted every reasonable path of approach to repair our relationship - individual counseling (I thought it was my fault for a long time), went to open AA meetings with him to better understand, suggested couple counseling where he said he was interested but than wouldn't go, family counseling, I've cried, begged, pleaded, screamed, ignored him, left him before, banged my head on the wall, and now ... 15 years later I declare defeat. He wins and I'm moving on. It's not just the addiction that has caused heartache - we lost a real connection about five-year ago when I finally outed my father for things he did to me when I was a teen and than again tried when I was an adult. When it all went down - my parents dis-owned me, my mother who was my best friend was in denial, and my husband said "Just get over it, it was a long time ago." No, really - those were his exact words. At that exact moment in my life I just needed my husband for once to pull his noggin out of his rear and be there for me. So, I guess it was five-years ago, when my family turned their backs because they couldn't handle the truth, my husband betrayed me ... that I began the process of figuring out who I am - REALLY who I am. In the midst of all the self-discovery I was still coping with my husband's need to lie, steal, betray, drink, ect. I was depressed for a while about my parents and the entire situation. It's almost like they died - they were there one day and gone the next. Trying to raise three children - because .. I have always been a single-married parent. Ect, ect, ect. There is LOTS more - but, eh ... what brings me here today to join this community is not so much heartbreak or even anger. But, the need to understand why people are so manipulative with each other. I have never thought of myself as outgoing, super socialable, or popular. I am not a genius, but, I'm far from stupid. I've lived, learned, observed, and questioned. I just can not for the life me understand this addiction thing or how a person can tell another person "I love you so much" and than verbally & mentally shred them to pieces. Aside from the maddness - I don't have anything else to complain about. Actually, I do - the dog just un-wound an entire ball of yarn. *Sighs* I look forward to meeting everyone and I hope my brief story will suffice for now. I promise to share more sooner or later.

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979