Hi everyone, like my user name says I can't believe i am here, but I do need advice.
I have discovered my wife's affair a little over a month ago and I am still struggling tremendously.
I tried to read other threads but I feel like my case is a bit different from what I saw. Appreciate all your thoughts in advance.
Me and my wife have been together for 16 years. First 5-6 years have been amazing, we were truly in love and having best possible time together. Things started changing a little after 6 years when she started traveling more for work. She is a beautiful successful professional woman and always enjoyed a lot of attention from men and loves new experiences and travel. Her increased travel made me uneasy but I made peace with it. Only difference was that I felt that she was enjoying time out of the house a bit too much.
Things really started changing after we had a kid 8 years into our life together. There was some post partum, she also felt trapped at home after a long career that included a lot of interesting work and travel. She became visibly depressed and I could see her struggling while at home. She did go back to work after awhile and I felt she found her outlet at work more than at home but I thought work would help her balance her life and make her happier. She is not a very domesticated lady but I loved her for being special and accomplished.
I am a more domesticated person and picked up a lot of slack while she traveled or worked. I started feeling her becoming more distant but attributed it to her work schedule and a mild depression, We still had a lot good times together including travel etc. and she always said she loved me.
Fast forward 5 years. A little over a month ago I walk in on her talking to a man on a webcam. When I confront her she says it is nothing, just an insignificant EA and tells me she truly loves me and its over. I do try to move on and we have a good week together.
A week later after still feeling uneasy I check her phone and find traces of a massive 4 year long affair. And I mean massive: texting, talking and webcamming with each other every chance they get, sometimes multiple times a day. Meeting each other for sex at the hotel during work hours, meeting each other in town after hours under pretenses of work dinners and business, meeting during business trips and even traveling together on fake business trips. It was almost like she had a second husband with this OM who is also married with children. And all that going on for years.
After I confront her she confesses to it but omits a lot of important details. Only after we exchange emails with OM's wife for cross reference she comes clean. And amount of lying, betrayal and cheating that went on just boggles my mind.
How could I be so stupid and not notice? First of all I loved her and trusted her 100%. Was sure she would not betray and jeopardize what we have together (and we have a lot from every aspect) for anything. She always told me she loved me. Second, she does have to travel and meet a lot of people for work so it was easy to hide behind all that legitimate business activity.
Now month later we are still struggling. The A is over as OM wife's involvement put a stop to it. I am extremely depressed and in shock that this could happen, feeling betrayed and stupid for missing the signs for such a long time. My WS is also depressed cause she still has feelings for OM and she does feel sorry for hurting me.
She tells me she is truly sorry, she still loves me and that it would never happen again. She won't travel anymore and will stay at home more. She seems remorseful and says she will try to do whatever is necessary to rebuild the trust. She says affair became an addiction she could no longer control and it took over her life but now she is determined to change as a person and dedicate her life to me and the child. Says she had the A cause she wanted more passion and adventure in her life.
But whenever I think about the massive amount of lying and betrayal that went on all these years, I sometimes doubt that we can rebuild anything between us.
I do still have feelings for her (always loved her deeply) and do have hope she can change and we can have a future together. I also desperately want to save the marriage for the sake of the kid. Having the child together does make me feel trapped though as I think I would end our marriage (at least temporarily) it if we were childless.
Please tell me what do you think I should do in this situation. Thanks!