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Can't move on

I will make this as short as possible because I could write for days about what is happening. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, 8 of those married. About 3-4 years into our relationship I, unknowingly aware of what I was doing, pushed my husband away. This has continued up till now, where we are now to the point where he says he is unsure if he can ever get past how much I hurt him. Examples would be: pushing him away if he would come up behind me for a hug, or a kiss. Telling him no I don't want to go to a movie or whatever then 3-4 days later doing the same exact thing with one of my girlfriends. He wants to know why I pushed him away when all he did was try to show his love for me? For a very long time I thought all he wanted me fore was sex, but my mindset at the time was very distorted. I was having horrible hormone problems, and I will live the rest of my life with hypothyroidism. But I feel much better now that I'm on a do se of medication that actually works. But it all fell apart again when we were in Vegas last weekend. He had said something to his dad about the worlds largest strip club and I didn't think much of it, then we were talking about which adult show we wanted to go see and I mentioned the Pin Up show because it seemed tasteful. Then we walked by a sign in the Mirage that said they have a topless pool, and I heard him say to his dad, Hey we should have stayed here they have a topless pool. It just struck a nerve with me and I turned around and in a snarky voice said "is that all you think about?" Well it upset him and he got angry at me for saying that to him in public. I realize I overreacted but sometimes I do feel like that is all he thinks about. I've gotten over feeling like all he wanted me for was sex because I know that wasn't true. My husband was the perfect example of a gentleman while we were dating and into our marriage for some time. He would buy me flowers, surprise me with them, open doors for me, hold my hand, take me wherever I wanted to go, always wanted to know what I'd like to do, etc. I got so used to be being pampered and spoiled I took it for granted and didn't reciprocate the feelings of love. Now I've come to realize over the past year or so, maybe not quite that long that I screwed up big time and I am trying my hardest to show him I never meant to hurt him, I didn't realize I was pushing him away like I was. He says he believes me and that he knows I'd never hurt him on purpose, he just wants to know why. Why did I always tell him no and say yes to everyone else? Why did I think all he wanted from me was sex when all he was trying to do was get closer to me and be more intimate with me? I've spent literally a week crying, since we arrived home from Vegas (we live in Nevada so it's just a days drive for us). We've talked every night since then, fought once. It all boils down to the why's. And I am so frust rated with myself because I cannot figure out why. Does that even make any sense? I love this man so much, my heart just aches to see him hurting, but it also aches because I hurt too. I hurt because I hurt him, and I don't know what to do. Someone please help, I need advice.....thanks for reading this.


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