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How can I deal with his ED?

Hi all,

My fiancé and I have been struggling with our sexual life for quite a while and I alternate feelings of hope for the situation to improve and understanding for him - to sadness, anger and fear for the relationship to end. When the latter kick off, I get really sad and emotional and it's usually when words spill out of me and I cannot keep my dissatisfaction for myself anymore. He knows that I am not happy with how things are and I know he's worried about me leaving him, but at the same time I feel he's taking it slow and I am losing my patience. However, every time I face him on this, I regret the way I do it because I get too emotional and usually end up crying and I know that this certainly won't help the situation. So right now I'm trying to control this and just focus on what's good in our relationship and give him time and space, but it gets really hard so I figured some advice would come in handy as I don't have many people to talk to about this.

A little backstory about us if you care to keep on reading:

We've been together almost 5 years and he's the sweetest man I've ever met. Apart from our sexual life, our relationship doesn't have many other low points. We're great together and I really want this to work out. However, he's 17 years my senior (28 me, 45 him) so I guess we are at different stages in life. I haven't had many partners before him and am still discovering my sexuality, so the fear of our sexual life declining already is a very big problem for me. When we first got together he literally couldn't take his hands off me so he did't have ED at first. However, we then moved to a different country and lived under a lot of stress, so our sex life started declining after about a year living abroad. On top of that, he had diabetes and takes medications, but that didn't seem to affect him at all at first. After 3 years, we now moved back to his country, where he has a decent job and when we moved I was almost sure our sex life would change. But it didn't, not much. So now I really don't know what to do. Apart from that, we are very physical with each other, we hug, touch, make out and even though I grew more insecure about myself, I do think he's still attracted to me. We occasionally manage to have sex, mostly oral and the few times he gets inside me he usually gets soft after a short while, which makes trying to have sex quite stressful for both of us. This also makes me afraid of initiating things. He was the one to initiate most of the time so the fact he doesn't do it just makes me think he doesn't want me enough and initiating makes me think I'm forcing him into sex and that he's doing it just to do me a favour. His ED could be caused by so many things at this point (financial stress, bad work situation, diabetes, performance anxiety) that I don't know what to tackle. Seeing a sex therapist at this stage is not an option due to our finances and also we've already tried and didn't end up too well (just a couple of sessions but the therapist wasn't good and it didn't make us feel any better so we stopped). It's been years now we're going through this and I'm getting afraid for the situation to be irreversible.

Any advice or word of encouragement would be really much appreciated.

Thank you for reading.


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