Hello
First, I want to start by saying, that I've NEVER joined any type of on-line forum, never had a blog, never made YT videos. Heck, I don't even have a Facebook! So this is new to me. I don't know what all the acronyms mean, so when responding, please keep this in mind.
A little about me: I'm a 26 year old woman currently in graduate school getting my Master's in Nursing to become a NP. I've worked hard for everything in my life. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 18 (still in high school), put myself through undergrad school, began working as a nurse, purchased my own home, and a second vehicle by the time I was 25.
A little about my spouse: He's 38 years old. When we met (3 years ago) he (and his friends and family) explained that he was "in between jobs" because tragically, his first wife (who he had been with for 15 years) died about a year earlier. He also lived with his mother and didn't have a car. Now, normally, I would have NEVER accepted this out of a man I was dating- but everyone made it seem that prior to losing his wife in death (which I heard was EXTREMELY hard on him), he was working a good steady job (to the point where she didn't have to work), he owned his own vehicle, and he was in general a happy, productive person. So, after about 1 year of being friends, and 1 year of dating, we married.
THE ISSUES BEGIN: My husband is an extremely nice person. He's never yelled at me, disrespected me, gotten angry with me (at least outwardly), and he never says anything bad about anyone. For the sake of time (and because I'm EXTREMELY long-winded, sorry) I'll get right down to what happened literally weeks after we were married and continued on:
1. He had a job at Menard's, which he lost
2. I find out after adding him to my auto insurance, that he has a suspended license, so I get kicked off of my own coverage, AND he was driving around in MY CAR with a suspended license that he didn't tell me about.
3. Before we got married, I asked him about his debts. He said he didn't have much, just a few little things. I wasn't out to judge him. Heck! As a college student, I have TONS of student loan debt. But the difference with him is, he doesn't pay his back. He started getting letters and mail to the house (THE HOUSE THAT I PURCHASED, BTW before we were married) summoning him to court for unpaid debts.
4. Finally, I decided to do a background check on my own husband, and saw that he had many liens and judgments against him, PLUS he had already filed a bankruptcy by the time he was 27!
So weeks go by, he doesn't have a job AT ALL, and I'm working full-time, paying all the bills, AND going to graduate school.
Ok... He just needs time to adjust. So I suggest that maybe while he's looking for a job he can be a "stay at home" husband. I go to work, pay the bills. He cleans the house (its only us two!), does the laundry, and prepares meals. He agreed. Phewww. That's good, right? Well, it would be if he ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THRU with it. He NEVER follows through on ANYTHING he says he'll do. THEN- about 7 months into our marriage, he starts pulling away (emotionally and intimately) from me. around month 8, he admits that he feels like he can't be close and intimate with me because he feels in a sense that he's BETRAYING HIS DEAD WIFE!
So here I am. Part of me doesn't want to be insensitive to his loss, but the other half of me can't help but feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. He can't keep a job, when he does get one, he doesn't contribute to the household financially, he doesn't help out AROUND the house and he's emotionally distant from me. Like, he's not mean... but he doesn't go out of his way to kiss me, or ask how my day was, or anything! And guess what, if bills don't get paid, no skin off his back! The house isn't in his name and I purchased the car he drives, before we even knew each other. SO if business doesn't get handled, MY CREDIT GOES TO CRAP, not his. I LOSE MY HOUSE, he didn't have one to begin with anyway! So I'm forced to continue to be the sole provider for my household, even though my husband is a perfectly health, 38 year old, young man. We don't have kids, he doesn't have a sickly parent to care for, I just don't get it!
Oh! And in case you were wondering, he has no schooling/training past high school. When he was working (before we were married), it was a good paying factory job. The problem is, he can't get a job like that anymore, and he refuses to go get any additional training to do something else.
I want to divorce him, because I feel like I was deceived about the type of person he is, but due to my respect for marriage, and strongly held religious beliefs, divorce is not an option- because (to my knowledge), he hasn't been unfaithful.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking down the road. He has nothing, I have a $40,000/year job, 2 cars, and a home. When I graduate next year, I'll have a $90,000/year job, 2 cars, and a home. I fear that if our marriage does eventually end, that he would be entitled to HALF of everything that I WORKED HARD FOR and he didn't contribute a DAMN THING towards!
I've tried EVERYTHING! I've tried to get him to go to doctor's and counselors for depression and maybe dysfunctional grieving, We've spoken to our elders, I've pleaded with him... I was so fed up with it, that I even tried to commit suicide 2 months ago (I've seen a doctor since and I'm on medication)
So now... I feel like I'm just trapped. I don't know what to do. I want to try living together, separately, but I don't know how that would work. I'm just so disappointed that HE got to be married to the love of his life for over a decade, and now my first marriage is with someone who thinks giving me his leftovers is sufficient. I want to be loved too! I want to feel special too! I want to be appreciated too! Instead, I get to put a roof over his head, and finance his life, with nothing in return.
I feel so STUPID that I even got myself into this situation. We've only been married for 14 months.
First, I want to start by saying, that I've NEVER joined any type of on-line forum, never had a blog, never made YT videos. Heck, I don't even have a Facebook! So this is new to me. I don't know what all the acronyms mean, so when responding, please keep this in mind.
A little about me: I'm a 26 year old woman currently in graduate school getting my Master's in Nursing to become a NP. I've worked hard for everything in my life. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 18 (still in high school), put myself through undergrad school, began working as a nurse, purchased my own home, and a second vehicle by the time I was 25.
A little about my spouse: He's 38 years old. When we met (3 years ago) he (and his friends and family) explained that he was "in between jobs" because tragically, his first wife (who he had been with for 15 years) died about a year earlier. He also lived with his mother and didn't have a car. Now, normally, I would have NEVER accepted this out of a man I was dating- but everyone made it seem that prior to losing his wife in death (which I heard was EXTREMELY hard on him), he was working a good steady job (to the point where she didn't have to work), he owned his own vehicle, and he was in general a happy, productive person. So, after about 1 year of being friends, and 1 year of dating, we married.
THE ISSUES BEGIN: My husband is an extremely nice person. He's never yelled at me, disrespected me, gotten angry with me (at least outwardly), and he never says anything bad about anyone. For the sake of time (and because I'm EXTREMELY long-winded, sorry) I'll get right down to what happened literally weeks after we were married and continued on:
1. He had a job at Menard's, which he lost
2. I find out after adding him to my auto insurance, that he has a suspended license, so I get kicked off of my own coverage, AND he was driving around in MY CAR with a suspended license that he didn't tell me about.
3. Before we got married, I asked him about his debts. He said he didn't have much, just a few little things. I wasn't out to judge him. Heck! As a college student, I have TONS of student loan debt. But the difference with him is, he doesn't pay his back. He started getting letters and mail to the house (THE HOUSE THAT I PURCHASED, BTW before we were married) summoning him to court for unpaid debts.
4. Finally, I decided to do a background check on my own husband, and saw that he had many liens and judgments against him, PLUS he had already filed a bankruptcy by the time he was 27!
So weeks go by, he doesn't have a job AT ALL, and I'm working full-time, paying all the bills, AND going to graduate school.
Ok... He just needs time to adjust. So I suggest that maybe while he's looking for a job he can be a "stay at home" husband. I go to work, pay the bills. He cleans the house (its only us two!), does the laundry, and prepares meals. He agreed. Phewww. That's good, right? Well, it would be if he ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THRU with it. He NEVER follows through on ANYTHING he says he'll do. THEN- about 7 months into our marriage, he starts pulling away (emotionally and intimately) from me. around month 8, he admits that he feels like he can't be close and intimate with me because he feels in a sense that he's BETRAYING HIS DEAD WIFE!
So here I am. Part of me doesn't want to be insensitive to his loss, but the other half of me can't help but feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. He can't keep a job, when he does get one, he doesn't contribute to the household financially, he doesn't help out AROUND the house and he's emotionally distant from me. Like, he's not mean... but he doesn't go out of his way to kiss me, or ask how my day was, or anything! And guess what, if bills don't get paid, no skin off his back! The house isn't in his name and I purchased the car he drives, before we even knew each other. SO if business doesn't get handled, MY CREDIT GOES TO CRAP, not his. I LOSE MY HOUSE, he didn't have one to begin with anyway! So I'm forced to continue to be the sole provider for my household, even though my husband is a perfectly health, 38 year old, young man. We don't have kids, he doesn't have a sickly parent to care for, I just don't get it!
Oh! And in case you were wondering, he has no schooling/training past high school. When he was working (before we were married), it was a good paying factory job. The problem is, he can't get a job like that anymore, and he refuses to go get any additional training to do something else.
I want to divorce him, because I feel like I was deceived about the type of person he is, but due to my respect for marriage, and strongly held religious beliefs, divorce is not an option- because (to my knowledge), he hasn't been unfaithful.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking down the road. He has nothing, I have a $40,000/year job, 2 cars, and a home. When I graduate next year, I'll have a $90,000/year job, 2 cars, and a home. I fear that if our marriage does eventually end, that he would be entitled to HALF of everything that I WORKED HARD FOR and he didn't contribute a DAMN THING towards!
I've tried EVERYTHING! I've tried to get him to go to doctor's and counselors for depression and maybe dysfunctional grieving, We've spoken to our elders, I've pleaded with him... I was so fed up with it, that I even tried to commit suicide 2 months ago (I've seen a doctor since and I'm on medication)
So now... I feel like I'm just trapped. I don't know what to do. I want to try living together, separately, but I don't know how that would work. I'm just so disappointed that HE got to be married to the love of his life for over a decade, and now my first marriage is with someone who thinks giving me his leftovers is sufficient. I want to be loved too! I want to feel special too! I want to be appreciated too! Instead, I get to put a roof over his head, and finance his life, with nothing in return.
I feel so STUPID that I even got myself into this situation. We've only been married for 14 months.
Put the internet to work for you.
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