TL:DR - I am looking for support in my pending separation/divorce from a passive aggressive emotionally unavailable H. I need tips for how to negotiate the split as easily as possible for the sake of my sanity and for my kids sake.
I don't even know where to start. H and I have so many things wrong with our marriage and I've finally just accepted that it's just not going to work.
Background - I'm early 30s, H is early 40s, together 10 1/2 years, married 8 with 2 kids, 8 & 3.
We've been in MC for almost a year after having a doozy of a fight. We both got physical and realized that we just couldn't continue on like that. Prior to our fight, I'd read plenty of marriage and individual self help books, but neither of us sought counselling.
Through all of the self help reading and MC, I've come to realize H is passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable.
For my part in the problems, when we got together, I was very emotionally immature. I wouldn't say unavailable because I've always been able to feel a deep empathy for others and always been conscious of how I could meet their needs. I say immature because I was just happy to have a stable relationship and I really took no time or effort to figure out the things that I really needed.
Books I've read: The Mindful Attraction Plan, The 5 Love Languages, Now You're Speaking my Language, Deliberate Love, and Cracking the COmmunication Code.
Things I've learned:
1) Early in our relationship, I was very emotionally immature, like I said. I also did a lot of sh*t testing of H and he passed those tests by sticking around, which was good enough for me at the time. Now, I realize that he has never really met my needs, except briefly in the beginning. I just convinced myself that he met my needs because he was a good guy who was stable and safe.
2) My LL is primarily physical touch, followed with words of affirmation and gifts as being tied. One thing I accepted early in my relationship was that H was seemingly low libido while I am higher libido. I accepted a frequency of once, maybe twice in a good week as a trade off for being with a man that I never feared would leave me or cheat on me. I also accepted this lower frequency in the beginning because he did offer a lot of non-sexual physical touch, which filled my needs. He was also complimentary of my looks and actions, which filled my needs.
3) H is no longer willing or able to meet my needs. Sexual frequency has dropped to about twice a month on average for the past 7 years and non-sexual physical touch is pretty much non-existent. I ask for deep kisses and get that "he doesn't like to kiss like that unless it's leading to sex and sex isn't happening right now because of ___" I ask for back rubs or hand holding and I get the "You know I don't like to do ____" Finally, most recently through therapy, he has come to admit that he doesn't feel like doing these things because I haven't "earned" them and maybe when I earn them, then he will do these things.
4) H truly seems to believe that I am at fault for our relationship problems. If only I would: not argue so much, not push him when he's had enough, defer to his judgment in all things, let things drop when he's done, etc. Recently, he threw his drink in my face after warning me that he was going to do it if I kept talking. I had stopped talking, but then he said something that I responded to and he proceeded to throw the drink in my face and storm out. After returning home, he wanted to talk about it, but immediately started in talking about separation. We moved past that talk and civilly resolved our issue, but when I asked for an apology, I was informed that he saw no need to apologize because he warned me what would happen if I kept talking and I chose to keep talking.
5) H's method of dealing with conflict is usually to demand that I bow to his way of thinking, and if I don't immediately agree with him, then he usually shuts down as soon as he's been heard and will not hear another word I have to say. If I push it, then it's all my fault when we have a big blow out of a fight because "he tried to walk away". His mother supports this thinking in him by saying that "we've just got to let him walk away if he gets too upset and if he wants to talk about it later he will, but if he doesn't, then it's best to just leave it alone because he'll just get upset".
When our MC suggested that we look at taking time outs when things get heated, he said that he's been trying to do that for years but I never let him. I got very upset and said that he never offered time outs and was never willing to revisit things. We clarified that having a time out did not mean that he got to have his say and then walk away and be done with the topic and things were better for probably the next two disagreements and then it was right back to normal.
6) H believes that our problems stem from the fact that I was raised by a very "independent" single mother who didn't have to answer to a man and that is what's wrong with me and why I don't know how to respect his authority. He believes that he knows how to do a good marriage because his parents are still together. I've tried to explain that I have no problem respecting his opinion on important matters, but I cannot handle having to answer to him for every decision I make and if he wants a relationship like his parents have, then he needs to learn to pick his battles like his father does. He wants to be the "king" but isn't willing to treat me like the "queen". Typical "woman" decisions, he has an opinion on. EVERYTHING he has an opinion on.
We don't usually fight because I don't usually care enough either way, but when I do care is when we fight. We each have our own spending money, which was his idea. He's constantly harping on me for my spending choices no matter how many times I remind him that it's my personal money to do what I want with because that was what HE wanted. That's not good enough for him and he just recently told me he was "tired of that excuse". I again offered to revisit the spending money thing and was more than willing to change my habits if he was (his $$ goes to playing online games) and he said it wasn't even close to the same thing and that he had no intention of changing.
7) H is not even willing or able to offer support in non critical relationship areas. I mention joining a weight loss challenge and he proceeds to give me the fifth degree and scoff at my plans because "I always fail". I tell him flat out that I need support and ask what he is going to do and he says that he'll basically just nag me every morning to make sure I get up and work out and keep an eye on my food intake. I ask him to sign up for a 5k family race with me and the kids to help me get motivated and I get the response that it's not going to happen. I ask why, if he's already running for exercise, would he not be willing to sign up for a 5k with me to help give me the motivation I am asking for and his response is that he has no interest whatsoever in running a 5k. I explain that I understand that but that I am asking for him to do his normal run with me at an event so that I have motivation to work out since we don't get many opportunities to work out together and still get a flat refusal.
This most recent example is what led to our fight that led to the big D being discussed and seemingly decided on. I was pushed past the point of caring and went in to a rant about how he likes to always tell me that I'm selfish and everything always has to be about me, but the reality is that it's always been about him. If we have a fight, it ends when he says it does and nothing can get him to re-visit the topic unless he wants to and it will only be done on his time frame. If I have an idea that he doesn't completely agree with, there's no compromise and I'm being a stubborn b*tch if I don't agree with his viewpoint. He said he was done listening to me and I told him that he had been done for quite a while. He made a comment that it was "about time I figured it out" and stormed off.
He came home and sat down with the laptop and proceeded to say he wanted to talk and then ignored me for over 10 minutes. I asked what he was doing, and he said he was figuring out our schedules for custody logistics. I told him that my schedule shouldn't matter to him any longer if we were splitting up. We've always worked opposite shifts so that the kids are not in day-care. I offered that for now we could each take turns staying with the kids at our current house while the other stayed at our old house (it was a rental property). He said that idea was stupid because we would have to take turns sleeping in the other person's bed. I said that that made more sense and kept things more stable for the kids for now, but that was a no go.
He then suggested that every day when he's off work, I get the oldest kid off to school and then bring the youngest one to him and then in the evenings, when I'm off work, I could pick the kids up. I told him that that would not work long term because I could not continue to live my life catering to him, but that I would agree to it for the duration of the separation because it would allow the kids to be in their "regular" home every night and in their own familiar beds. I figured we could slowly transition them to whatever the final custody arrangement would be.
After I agreed, he then said that he had a problem with the plan because then he would really only get them for a few hours after school and by the time he did homework and dinner, he wouldn't really have time to do "fun" stuff with them. I pointed out that several days a week all I would get to do is get them breakfast and off to school, and then put them to bed. He then blew up and said forget it, just do whatever you want to do because that's how it always is. I literally responded with a dumbfounded "it was your freaking (yes, I said freaking because I don't really cuss) idea in the first place". Since then, we haven't really talked about anything and things are just kind of in a holding pattern until he can get moved out, which I'm not sure he intends to do now.
I, however, have decided that I am done. I cannot continue to hold on to this idealistic hope that one day he will want to be the man I need. I cannot continue feeling responsible for what is wrong with my relationship while also feeling helpless. I see now that he just doesn't have the emotional capacity to understand why it's not okay to not even be willing to try to meet your spouse's needs.
I feel like a weight has been lifted, but I keep falling in to the trap of thinking that it would just be easier if we could make it work and maybe I'll get that fairy tale ending. It hasn't happened in 10 years and it's not going to happen. I need to be free of him for my own sanity and because I do not want to teach my children that this is a good type of relationship to have.
ETA: I guess I don't really have a question in all of my ramblings, but I would love any insight and support anyone can offer. My family and friends aren't the most helpful as they haven't been in this situation and I honestly don't want to share my failings with most of the people around me. I am not used to failing at anything and this and the realization that I just made piss poor choices from the get go makes it hard for me to open up to those I know.
I don't even know where to start. H and I have so many things wrong with our marriage and I've finally just accepted that it's just not going to work.
Background - I'm early 30s, H is early 40s, together 10 1/2 years, married 8 with 2 kids, 8 & 3.
We've been in MC for almost a year after having a doozy of a fight. We both got physical and realized that we just couldn't continue on like that. Prior to our fight, I'd read plenty of marriage and individual self help books, but neither of us sought counselling.
Through all of the self help reading and MC, I've come to realize H is passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable.
For my part in the problems, when we got together, I was very emotionally immature. I wouldn't say unavailable because I've always been able to feel a deep empathy for others and always been conscious of how I could meet their needs. I say immature because I was just happy to have a stable relationship and I really took no time or effort to figure out the things that I really needed.
Books I've read: The Mindful Attraction Plan, The 5 Love Languages, Now You're Speaking my Language, Deliberate Love, and Cracking the COmmunication Code.
Things I've learned:
1) Early in our relationship, I was very emotionally immature, like I said. I also did a lot of sh*t testing of H and he passed those tests by sticking around, which was good enough for me at the time. Now, I realize that he has never really met my needs, except briefly in the beginning. I just convinced myself that he met my needs because he was a good guy who was stable and safe.
2) My LL is primarily physical touch, followed with words of affirmation and gifts as being tied. One thing I accepted early in my relationship was that H was seemingly low libido while I am higher libido. I accepted a frequency of once, maybe twice in a good week as a trade off for being with a man that I never feared would leave me or cheat on me. I also accepted this lower frequency in the beginning because he did offer a lot of non-sexual physical touch, which filled my needs. He was also complimentary of my looks and actions, which filled my needs.
3) H is no longer willing or able to meet my needs. Sexual frequency has dropped to about twice a month on average for the past 7 years and non-sexual physical touch is pretty much non-existent. I ask for deep kisses and get that "he doesn't like to kiss like that unless it's leading to sex and sex isn't happening right now because of ___" I ask for back rubs or hand holding and I get the "You know I don't like to do ____" Finally, most recently through therapy, he has come to admit that he doesn't feel like doing these things because I haven't "earned" them and maybe when I earn them, then he will do these things.
4) H truly seems to believe that I am at fault for our relationship problems. If only I would: not argue so much, not push him when he's had enough, defer to his judgment in all things, let things drop when he's done, etc. Recently, he threw his drink in my face after warning me that he was going to do it if I kept talking. I had stopped talking, but then he said something that I responded to and he proceeded to throw the drink in my face and storm out. After returning home, he wanted to talk about it, but immediately started in talking about separation. We moved past that talk and civilly resolved our issue, but when I asked for an apology, I was informed that he saw no need to apologize because he warned me what would happen if I kept talking and I chose to keep talking.
5) H's method of dealing with conflict is usually to demand that I bow to his way of thinking, and if I don't immediately agree with him, then he usually shuts down as soon as he's been heard and will not hear another word I have to say. If I push it, then it's all my fault when we have a big blow out of a fight because "he tried to walk away". His mother supports this thinking in him by saying that "we've just got to let him walk away if he gets too upset and if he wants to talk about it later he will, but if he doesn't, then it's best to just leave it alone because he'll just get upset".
When our MC suggested that we look at taking time outs when things get heated, he said that he's been trying to do that for years but I never let him. I got very upset and said that he never offered time outs and was never willing to revisit things. We clarified that having a time out did not mean that he got to have his say and then walk away and be done with the topic and things were better for probably the next two disagreements and then it was right back to normal.
6) H believes that our problems stem from the fact that I was raised by a very "independent" single mother who didn't have to answer to a man and that is what's wrong with me and why I don't know how to respect his authority. He believes that he knows how to do a good marriage because his parents are still together. I've tried to explain that I have no problem respecting his opinion on important matters, but I cannot handle having to answer to him for every decision I make and if he wants a relationship like his parents have, then he needs to learn to pick his battles like his father does. He wants to be the "king" but isn't willing to treat me like the "queen". Typical "woman" decisions, he has an opinion on. EVERYTHING he has an opinion on.
We don't usually fight because I don't usually care enough either way, but when I do care is when we fight. We each have our own spending money, which was his idea. He's constantly harping on me for my spending choices no matter how many times I remind him that it's my personal money to do what I want with because that was what HE wanted. That's not good enough for him and he just recently told me he was "tired of that excuse". I again offered to revisit the spending money thing and was more than willing to change my habits if he was (his $$ goes to playing online games) and he said it wasn't even close to the same thing and that he had no intention of changing.
7) H is not even willing or able to offer support in non critical relationship areas. I mention joining a weight loss challenge and he proceeds to give me the fifth degree and scoff at my plans because "I always fail". I tell him flat out that I need support and ask what he is going to do and he says that he'll basically just nag me every morning to make sure I get up and work out and keep an eye on my food intake. I ask him to sign up for a 5k family race with me and the kids to help me get motivated and I get the response that it's not going to happen. I ask why, if he's already running for exercise, would he not be willing to sign up for a 5k with me to help give me the motivation I am asking for and his response is that he has no interest whatsoever in running a 5k. I explain that I understand that but that I am asking for him to do his normal run with me at an event so that I have motivation to work out since we don't get many opportunities to work out together and still get a flat refusal.
This most recent example is what led to our fight that led to the big D being discussed and seemingly decided on. I was pushed past the point of caring and went in to a rant about how he likes to always tell me that I'm selfish and everything always has to be about me, but the reality is that it's always been about him. If we have a fight, it ends when he says it does and nothing can get him to re-visit the topic unless he wants to and it will only be done on his time frame. If I have an idea that he doesn't completely agree with, there's no compromise and I'm being a stubborn b*tch if I don't agree with his viewpoint. He said he was done listening to me and I told him that he had been done for quite a while. He made a comment that it was "about time I figured it out" and stormed off.
He came home and sat down with the laptop and proceeded to say he wanted to talk and then ignored me for over 10 minutes. I asked what he was doing, and he said he was figuring out our schedules for custody logistics. I told him that my schedule shouldn't matter to him any longer if we were splitting up. We've always worked opposite shifts so that the kids are not in day-care. I offered that for now we could each take turns staying with the kids at our current house while the other stayed at our old house (it was a rental property). He said that idea was stupid because we would have to take turns sleeping in the other person's bed. I said that that made more sense and kept things more stable for the kids for now, but that was a no go.
He then suggested that every day when he's off work, I get the oldest kid off to school and then bring the youngest one to him and then in the evenings, when I'm off work, I could pick the kids up. I told him that that would not work long term because I could not continue to live my life catering to him, but that I would agree to it for the duration of the separation because it would allow the kids to be in their "regular" home every night and in their own familiar beds. I figured we could slowly transition them to whatever the final custody arrangement would be.
After I agreed, he then said that he had a problem with the plan because then he would really only get them for a few hours after school and by the time he did homework and dinner, he wouldn't really have time to do "fun" stuff with them. I pointed out that several days a week all I would get to do is get them breakfast and off to school, and then put them to bed. He then blew up and said forget it, just do whatever you want to do because that's how it always is. I literally responded with a dumbfounded "it was your freaking (yes, I said freaking because I don't really cuss) idea in the first place". Since then, we haven't really talked about anything and things are just kind of in a holding pattern until he can get moved out, which I'm not sure he intends to do now.
I, however, have decided that I am done. I cannot continue to hold on to this idealistic hope that one day he will want to be the man I need. I cannot continue feeling responsible for what is wrong with my relationship while also feeling helpless. I see now that he just doesn't have the emotional capacity to understand why it's not okay to not even be willing to try to meet your spouse's needs.
I feel like a weight has been lifted, but I keep falling in to the trap of thinking that it would just be easier if we could make it work and maybe I'll get that fairy tale ending. It hasn't happened in 10 years and it's not going to happen. I need to be free of him for my own sanity and because I do not want to teach my children that this is a good type of relationship to have.
ETA: I guess I don't really have a question in all of my ramblings, but I would love any insight and support anyone can offer. My family and friends aren't the most helpful as they haven't been in this situation and I honestly don't want to share my failings with most of the people around me. I am not used to failing at anything and this and the realization that I just made piss poor choices from the get go makes it hard for me to open up to those I know.
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