In the past, I found very useful information on this forum. Fast forward a few years and now I am looking for some more perspective and advice.
I find myself in a tuff situation. I have been friends for 7 years with a friend of mine. I consider him "inner circle" even though we only hang out a couple times a year, with occasional facebook comments. Still, he is a trusted friend.
I met his now ex-wife shortly after my friend and I met and while they were married. She was cool and nice to me, as one would expect since I was friends with her husband. There was NOTHING ELSE between his wife and I EVER.. I will add that I only saw her maybe 3 times that first year, in social settings when she was with my friend, etc..
They had a child, who is now almost 6 years old. I have not seen the child since she was a little baby. (I add that only for some perspective)
Five years ago, (when their child was 9 months old) they separated. He broke it off with her and wanted a divorce. From what I do know, it was as amicable as it could be. I do not know the specifics of the divorce, only that he told me that he was not happy. We never really talked about it but I did only ever say, "...just make sure you know what you want and make a decision vs. creating issues and problems for you, her and your daughter, etc..."
Over the last five years, I know that they have remained good friends primarily a mutual agreement for the sake of their daughter. I respect that a lot and have told him as much, whenever it came up in conversation.
As for his ex-wife. I only remained in social contact with her via social media. Comments on photos, general "Merry Christmas", etc.. Again, nothing more than casual things, which my friend knows about and even said he was fine with and was not strange or anything.
So, fast-forward to now....
They have been now separated for 5+ years and officially divorced for 2+ years (VA requires 1 year separation with a chid and they did try a reconciliation after almost 1 year of the separation. They both told me individually that they did it for their daughter vs. their own emotions towards the other.)
Around September of this past year, her and I started a simple chat via social media on how life is going, what we are up to, etc. I actually initiated the conversation because I wanted to ask her if she could help me out with something related to my career and I was only using my network to see if I could get some help on something. IT WAS A COMPLETELY INNOCENT AND FRIENDLY CONVERSATION. It was no different than any other we have ever had.
We chatted once a week or so about some random things and then in December she suggested we meet up for a drink and we could talk about it. Seemed easy enough to me (and my friend had already said he had no issues with her and I being friends, etc). So, I met her at a place and the time she selected.
It was fun and nice to catch up. Nothing emotional or anything other than like old friends catching up, even though we have never been close directly, it was interesting that she knew so much about me via my friend.
After that evening, a couple days passed and I sent her a note saying "thanks for the conversation and hoped that it would not be 5 years before we met again.." Then she responded with, "..yes, hopefully very soon..."
So, it was 2 weeks later and we met again for dinner. Not sure what happened but at some point, something hit me like a ton of bricks. It was an emotion I have trouble describing to this day. It was like being hit by lightning. I think she picked up on it and she seemed to let me know she felt it.
The next day, we spoke on the phone and ended up going out again a week later, on an actual date. Sparing the details, I can say that we have now gone out on 4 dates, speak on the phone for hours daily, have hung out at each others home, talked about relationships, what we want in marriage and life, thoughts on having children, etc... All the things you do when you are in a relationship, which by the way, she has admitted to me she wants with me. Bottom line, there is a connection that we both have found NOW (not before when she was married to my friend or anything). We actually talked about it and admit that we did not have any clue or feelings in the past. It is new for both of us. Now, we have both arrived to a point where we have discussed having a serious relationship. We share some very strong feelings.
Her and I have NEVER talked about him in a mean way nor has she ever asked anything about what he and I have ever discussed, etc. In fact, she told me she did not care and she respects and is concerned that I may lose a friend and worries about that for me.
I may be selfish but I think the best case scenario would be that he is upset but eventually fine with it. He will see the value in his friend and his ex being happy. He will take some comfort knowing that if things ended in marriage, he already knows the person who would be supportive of his daughter's life, etc..vs. some stranger in the home. I admit a pipedream but I am hopeful for this.
----
Couple of questions
1. What are thoughts on the general social rules of not dating an ex of a friend? Personally, I know it has been YEARS since they divorced and my friend left her (and he is now dating her former best friend and told me that he actually loves his new girlfriend of almost 1 year). Personally, I think that we spend time with a person and sometimes those times end. We do not own another person, especially someone we left.
2. I do not want to lose his friendship but I know I must tell him soon. How do I do it? What do I say? I am preparing for the worst, hoping for the best.
3. Am I really doing something wrong? Personally, I want my friend and would like to pursue a relationship with her. I am willing to take the risk to lose a friend in this situation. I was in a pseudo-similar situation where a good friend dated an ex girlfriend, they got married and had children. It honestly did not affect me at all except he was never available to go out because he was with her... but that is normal.
All thoughts, suggestions, comments are welcome. Just keep it real.
I find myself in a tuff situation. I have been friends for 7 years with a friend of mine. I consider him "inner circle" even though we only hang out a couple times a year, with occasional facebook comments. Still, he is a trusted friend.
I met his now ex-wife shortly after my friend and I met and while they were married. She was cool and nice to me, as one would expect since I was friends with her husband. There was NOTHING ELSE between his wife and I EVER.. I will add that I only saw her maybe 3 times that first year, in social settings when she was with my friend, etc..
They had a child, who is now almost 6 years old. I have not seen the child since she was a little baby. (I add that only for some perspective)
Five years ago, (when their child was 9 months old) they separated. He broke it off with her and wanted a divorce. From what I do know, it was as amicable as it could be. I do not know the specifics of the divorce, only that he told me that he was not happy. We never really talked about it but I did only ever say, "...just make sure you know what you want and make a decision vs. creating issues and problems for you, her and your daughter, etc..."
Over the last five years, I know that they have remained good friends primarily a mutual agreement for the sake of their daughter. I respect that a lot and have told him as much, whenever it came up in conversation.
As for his ex-wife. I only remained in social contact with her via social media. Comments on photos, general "Merry Christmas", etc.. Again, nothing more than casual things, which my friend knows about and even said he was fine with and was not strange or anything.
So, fast-forward to now....
They have been now separated for 5+ years and officially divorced for 2+ years (VA requires 1 year separation with a chid and they did try a reconciliation after almost 1 year of the separation. They both told me individually that they did it for their daughter vs. their own emotions towards the other.)
Around September of this past year, her and I started a simple chat via social media on how life is going, what we are up to, etc. I actually initiated the conversation because I wanted to ask her if she could help me out with something related to my career and I was only using my network to see if I could get some help on something. IT WAS A COMPLETELY INNOCENT AND FRIENDLY CONVERSATION. It was no different than any other we have ever had.
We chatted once a week or so about some random things and then in December she suggested we meet up for a drink and we could talk about it. Seemed easy enough to me (and my friend had already said he had no issues with her and I being friends, etc). So, I met her at a place and the time she selected.
It was fun and nice to catch up. Nothing emotional or anything other than like old friends catching up, even though we have never been close directly, it was interesting that she knew so much about me via my friend.
After that evening, a couple days passed and I sent her a note saying "thanks for the conversation and hoped that it would not be 5 years before we met again.." Then she responded with, "..yes, hopefully very soon..."
So, it was 2 weeks later and we met again for dinner. Not sure what happened but at some point, something hit me like a ton of bricks. It was an emotion I have trouble describing to this day. It was like being hit by lightning. I think she picked up on it and she seemed to let me know she felt it.
The next day, we spoke on the phone and ended up going out again a week later, on an actual date. Sparing the details, I can say that we have now gone out on 4 dates, speak on the phone for hours daily, have hung out at each others home, talked about relationships, what we want in marriage and life, thoughts on having children, etc... All the things you do when you are in a relationship, which by the way, she has admitted to me she wants with me. Bottom line, there is a connection that we both have found NOW (not before when she was married to my friend or anything). We actually talked about it and admit that we did not have any clue or feelings in the past. It is new for both of us. Now, we have both arrived to a point where we have discussed having a serious relationship. We share some very strong feelings.
Her and I have NEVER talked about him in a mean way nor has she ever asked anything about what he and I have ever discussed, etc. In fact, she told me she did not care and she respects and is concerned that I may lose a friend and worries about that for me.
I may be selfish but I think the best case scenario would be that he is upset but eventually fine with it. He will see the value in his friend and his ex being happy. He will take some comfort knowing that if things ended in marriage, he already knows the person who would be supportive of his daughter's life, etc..vs. some stranger in the home. I admit a pipedream but I am hopeful for this.
----
Couple of questions
1. What are thoughts on the general social rules of not dating an ex of a friend? Personally, I know it has been YEARS since they divorced and my friend left her (and he is now dating her former best friend and told me that he actually loves his new girlfriend of almost 1 year). Personally, I think that we spend time with a person and sometimes those times end. We do not own another person, especially someone we left.
2. I do not want to lose his friendship but I know I must tell him soon. How do I do it? What do I say? I am preparing for the worst, hoping for the best.
3. Am I really doing something wrong? Personally, I want my friend and would like to pursue a relationship with her. I am willing to take the risk to lose a friend in this situation. I was in a pseudo-similar situation where a good friend dated an ex girlfriend, they got married and had children. It honestly did not affect me at all except he was never available to go out because he was with her... but that is normal.
All thoughts, suggestions, comments are welcome. Just keep it real.
Put the internet to work for you.
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