The affair
In August 1983, I took a college class that changed our lives forever. I had a divorced professor that was a "player". He flirted during class, I flirted back. One day after class, he put his phone number…to his office…in my hand and said to give him a call. I did not call right away, but I kept his number.
We had a good marriage but we were in one of those low places couples encounter. I thought about that phone number in my purse and I began to build a case against my husband. I was looking for reasons to be mad at him. I asked him if we could have an open marriage, I asked him if we could separate, I even told him about the professor. One day, I was talking about school and my husband said, "I do not want to hear about your damn school anymore". It was all I needed.
I called the professor. We agreed to meet for lunch on October 29. I told my husband I was going Christmas shopping. I was to meet the professor in a parking lot. He was late. He finally arrived, but said he needed to go to his house for a minute would I just follow him there…I knew better, but I followed him. We stopped at a red light and he looked at me in the rear view mirror…I must have had a look of terror on my face. He opened his door and called back to me…everything will be ok. We went to his apartment and he kissed me…one thing led to another. Afterwards, he told me I needed to leave because he had to get ready for a date. I was confused and scared. I took a shower. I left his apartment. I had forgotten my watch in the bathroom so I turned around and went back to his apartment. I knocked on the door. He answered but he was on the phone. I explained I had left my watch. He waved me up to the bathroom. I got the watch and quietly left. I went shopping because I had to come home with packages.
I went home and my husband helped me carry the packages in the house.
The next day we went bowling with my parents. I acted like nothing was wrong.
At school the next week I did not speak to the professor. After class one day, he stopped me and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong. He said can we get together and talk about it. I said yes, and gave him directions to my house. We picked a day for him to come but he called me and cancelled. After he called, I was panicked and frightened. I think the impact of what I had done hit me. I called my husband at work just to hear his voice. I knew I had to tell him what I had done, but I also knew that I might lose him forever. I called my mother and told her what I had done. She was very upset of course, but she was supportive.
It was Thanksgiving weekend. My parents kept the kids so we could have some alone time. I told him there was another man but I did not tell him that I had sex with him. He was very understanding and very forgiving…but the next week he started asking me questions. He was very matter of fact, very unemotional as I answered all of his questions and to be very honest, I gave him way too many details and I said way too many things that would cut him very deeply and the wounds would last forever. I gave descriptions and comparisons, I told him the other man was better looking, and that I would have moved in with him if he had asked me. He just laid there while I ripped his heart out in the dark of our bedroom. I went to sleep but he was devastated. He got up and sat in the rocking chair all night long. The next day, he went to my mother's house and they talked and cried all day long. Had it not been for my mother, I don't know what he would have done.
We of course continued to talk and he continued to try to understand why I had betrayed him. I told him that I understood that he needed to do what was best for him and I would ask for nothing if he wanted a divorce. I told him I still loved him and was very sorry for what I had done. He told me that he loved me and did not want a divorce. We did not separate. We did go to counseling but the Psychologist seemed to be more interested in money than in helping us. My husband also went to the doctor for some anti-depressants. We got through the next few weeks. The semester was over mid-December. I continued to go to class but I did not speak to the professor until I turned in my final paper. At that time, I told him that I had confessed to my husband about the affair. His response was...why would you do that? I think he was scared to death. I walked out and have never spoken to him again.
I went back to school in January but I had no contact with the professor. I became very defensive about my affair. I don't know if it was guilt, or the fog or what it was...but I said some very ugly things to my husband. I blamed him for what I had done. I told him I was sorry I had told him about it but not that I had done it. I told him that I had done it for me.
We moved to a new home in April 1984. I graduated from college. We would continue to discuss the affair but we mostly just went on with life. We were happy except for the times he would trigger.
In the summer of 1985, My husband had an affair with a woman he met at school. They dated a few times. He says they did not have intercourse. He confessed to me a couple of months later. I was hurt but I did not blame him...I blamed myself for what I had done to him. I had taken away all of his self-esteem. He needed to feel he was desirable. He needed to feel wanted. There was no question that I would forgive him.
We moved again in June 1991. Our children became adults, married and had children of their own. It was a good life, except for the triggers.
In May 2013, my husband joined TAM in search of the answer to WHAT IS REMORSE. He felt he had never truly seen remorse from me for what I had done. He found the book... How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A compact manual for the unfaithful. October 2013 was the 30th anniversary of my betrayal and I was determined that I was going to do whatever it took to keep him from going into deep depression. I could see he was triggering and I wanted so badly to help him through this. I held him and we talked and cried together. He asked me to read the book. I did. After all these years, I finally understood what it was that he needed to hear from me, even though I felt I had said it time and time again. It is not enough to be sorry...I had to accept full responsibility for his pain.
We have finally crossed the last hurdle to complete forgiveness. We are in the best place in our relationship that we have ever been.
In August 1983, I took a college class that changed our lives forever. I had a divorced professor that was a "player". He flirted during class, I flirted back. One day after class, he put his phone number…to his office…in my hand and said to give him a call. I did not call right away, but I kept his number.
We had a good marriage but we were in one of those low places couples encounter. I thought about that phone number in my purse and I began to build a case against my husband. I was looking for reasons to be mad at him. I asked him if we could have an open marriage, I asked him if we could separate, I even told him about the professor. One day, I was talking about school and my husband said, "I do not want to hear about your damn school anymore". It was all I needed.
I called the professor. We agreed to meet for lunch on October 29. I told my husband I was going Christmas shopping. I was to meet the professor in a parking lot. He was late. He finally arrived, but said he needed to go to his house for a minute would I just follow him there…I knew better, but I followed him. We stopped at a red light and he looked at me in the rear view mirror…I must have had a look of terror on my face. He opened his door and called back to me…everything will be ok. We went to his apartment and he kissed me…one thing led to another. Afterwards, he told me I needed to leave because he had to get ready for a date. I was confused and scared. I took a shower. I left his apartment. I had forgotten my watch in the bathroom so I turned around and went back to his apartment. I knocked on the door. He answered but he was on the phone. I explained I had left my watch. He waved me up to the bathroom. I got the watch and quietly left. I went shopping because I had to come home with packages.
I went home and my husband helped me carry the packages in the house.
The next day we went bowling with my parents. I acted like nothing was wrong.
At school the next week I did not speak to the professor. After class one day, he stopped me and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong. He said can we get together and talk about it. I said yes, and gave him directions to my house. We picked a day for him to come but he called me and cancelled. After he called, I was panicked and frightened. I think the impact of what I had done hit me. I called my husband at work just to hear his voice. I knew I had to tell him what I had done, but I also knew that I might lose him forever. I called my mother and told her what I had done. She was very upset of course, but she was supportive.
It was Thanksgiving weekend. My parents kept the kids so we could have some alone time. I told him there was another man but I did not tell him that I had sex with him. He was very understanding and very forgiving…but the next week he started asking me questions. He was very matter of fact, very unemotional as I answered all of his questions and to be very honest, I gave him way too many details and I said way too many things that would cut him very deeply and the wounds would last forever. I gave descriptions and comparisons, I told him the other man was better looking, and that I would have moved in with him if he had asked me. He just laid there while I ripped his heart out in the dark of our bedroom. I went to sleep but he was devastated. He got up and sat in the rocking chair all night long. The next day, he went to my mother's house and they talked and cried all day long. Had it not been for my mother, I don't know what he would have done.
We of course continued to talk and he continued to try to understand why I had betrayed him. I told him that I understood that he needed to do what was best for him and I would ask for nothing if he wanted a divorce. I told him I still loved him and was very sorry for what I had done. He told me that he loved me and did not want a divorce. We did not separate. We did go to counseling but the Psychologist seemed to be more interested in money than in helping us. My husband also went to the doctor for some anti-depressants. We got through the next few weeks. The semester was over mid-December. I continued to go to class but I did not speak to the professor until I turned in my final paper. At that time, I told him that I had confessed to my husband about the affair. His response was...why would you do that? I think he was scared to death. I walked out and have never spoken to him again.
I went back to school in January but I had no contact with the professor. I became very defensive about my affair. I don't know if it was guilt, or the fog or what it was...but I said some very ugly things to my husband. I blamed him for what I had done. I told him I was sorry I had told him about it but not that I had done it. I told him that I had done it for me.
We moved to a new home in April 1984. I graduated from college. We would continue to discuss the affair but we mostly just went on with life. We were happy except for the times he would trigger.
In the summer of 1985, My husband had an affair with a woman he met at school. They dated a few times. He says they did not have intercourse. He confessed to me a couple of months later. I was hurt but I did not blame him...I blamed myself for what I had done to him. I had taken away all of his self-esteem. He needed to feel he was desirable. He needed to feel wanted. There was no question that I would forgive him.
We moved again in June 1991. Our children became adults, married and had children of their own. It was a good life, except for the triggers.
In May 2013, my husband joined TAM in search of the answer to WHAT IS REMORSE. He felt he had never truly seen remorse from me for what I had done. He found the book... How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A compact manual for the unfaithful. October 2013 was the 30th anniversary of my betrayal and I was determined that I was going to do whatever it took to keep him from going into deep depression. I could see he was triggering and I wanted so badly to help him through this. I held him and we talked and cried together. He asked me to read the book. I did. After all these years, I finally understood what it was that he needed to hear from me, even though I felt I had said it time and time again. It is not enough to be sorry...I had to accept full responsibility for his pain.
We have finally crossed the last hurdle to complete forgiveness. We are in the best place in our relationship that we have ever been.
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