How do I cut a long story ever so short. Not my forte but I'll give it a go:
I have strong feelings for a girl In Sixth Form, one year older than me but in my year group because she resat Year 12. What pulls me to her is this quirkiness about her: she wouldn't say she's "fine" or "good" generically, she would be more extrovert than the others and go the extra mile, expressing her tiredness, when she was tired, and other emotions she was feeling and what exactly made her feel those emotions. I know the facial expressions and the large, blue eyes when staring at me would tell me she's being herself and expressing a genuine interest in me (I'll never forget how she looked at me the first conversation we had with each other).
But when I'm sitting down with my friends in the Common Room or working in one of the two Computer Rooms by myself and she walks past me, that's it, she doesn't verbally or non-verbally greet me (e.g. tap me on the shoulder or body), unless I make direct eye contact with her or greet her myself.
I think there's only been 1 or 2 occasions, since we've known each other, (we met on a University trip) where she's been the one who's put herself out there first and not me, but with close and casual friends (who were in the same courses as her unlike myself) she's perfectly fine at doing it, even with their backs turned to her whilst working. Socialising as well: her friends and other acquaintances seem light years ahead of me in terms of general knowledge, humour and keeping conversations entertaining and lively, I look at myself and think:
"I can't make her happy like that, I want her so badly but she's clearly happier around other people, even though she can smile and be happy around me and I can do that a bit, but it's not enough and I don't know what to do"
It was painful and I am socially awkward so I would keep my distance from her and her friends' normal whereabouts because the pain of not being able to make her as happy as others could would overwhelm me and hurt my self-esteem, unsettle me and I wanted to be that guy who prioritised his work and personal health, whilst thinking about her everyday and when I'll see her.
That was on top of what a close friend advised me to do as part of being this dominant "Alpha Male" women/girls appeal to and how they dislike neediness, telling me to focus and improve on myself after she looked closed off and unsettled around me for a while after I'd asked if we could "hang out after school" in November and she said she had a friend's birthday present to give and said "maybe another time". I asked her for a game of blackjack earlier this year because on Twitter she spoke of being taught poker by her Dad over the weekend and I thought that would be a good activity to do together, she declined again saying she was busy, I passively asked "When?" then she said she didn't know "when".
Twitter is a whole different thing as well: we followed each other (early December last year) after I saw her Twitter account through some mentions in a conversation of two friends of mine who were both following her. It helped a lot in terms of getting to know her, but that almost-vindictive pain of not being able to interact like her other friends, would arise when I saw my friends interacting with her freely and for quite a long time, the frustration compounded because she never initiated any conversations with me from my tweets (pretty much the same scenario as above with greeting), whilst she did with my friends. Since we've followed each other, we've had only one fairly long conversation and a few that were cut short after she replied only once, she wouldn't reply to some interactions I tried to start with her. Hit and miss basically.
I'm extremely analytical and a statistical-enthusiast so I've counted the amount of favourites & RTs she's given me: 12 favourites and 1 Retweet. The times where we would interact face-to-face was when I caught up with her in a hallway by herself, in a group conversation with some of my classmates and friends who knew her (very rare), or when she was occasionally in the Computer Room I was normally in. Sometimes I would be cynical, which is something I wanted to avoid being, for the sake of catching up with her, but most times I would think I'm manipulative and therefore doing something bad so I would be counter-intuitive and allow my day to flow as naturally as possible.
On a positive note she began regularly complimenting my clothing this year, and the sole hair compliment when I opted for a different hairstyle when I got my haircut and we've hugged each other several times too (even though I do wonder If there's been enough physical contact between us to develop our friendship?), the most recent hug was probably the most emotional because I was apologising for an incident on the last day of Sixth Form where I deserted her without saying a word to her because - it was the end of Sixth Form (final goodbyes, final moments with friends and teachers etc.) and me being subdued came off better. I thought her and her friend weren't interested in talking to me (because of my social awkwardness) when they were about to leave before I actually did, so I said sorry whilst we held onto each other for quite a while and said I wanted to see her and make amends after that incident.
We've both given each other things as symbols of a friendship, like she would offer me chewing gum or chocolate occasionally, and even gave me a pound when I was really hungry one time and didn't have any money with me (I hate taking things off people even when its their offering) and I would give her subtle gifts and cards for Xmas, Valentines Day (yes :D) and her Birthday to insinuate how much I love her (I had her birthday card personalised because cards from a gift store seem meaningless more and more as time wears on from my perspective and I wanted something that symbolised who she was).
I'm sorry for the long post :( I hope it's all clear to you guys, so in summary: she compliments me, she likes my tweets and posts on Twitter and when in face-to-face conversation with me she's as frank, open, quirky and pretty both on the inside and outside as anyone can ask from her, but I have to put myself out there first to get somewhere most of the time, whilst she tends to not greet me without direct eye contact.
I probably know the answer to this in terms of how she feels about me, but I want to believe that I mean something to her and I'm not just a guy she met on a School trip and not worthy of talking to, that there's a reason for all of this and that the dots can be aligned when I tell her how I feel (I already planned to do it the next time I see her). I can't tell her on Twitter (even via a Private Message) as this is something where you need to be in person and express yourself genuine (actions speak louder than words), especially when I'm going to tell her I love her.
The conflict within me is very deep and complex, and I want to know what you guys think of all of this and give me the realities I face. Funny enough, tomorrow's exactly a year since we met each other on that trip, and she was the one who spoke to me first when I was talking with my friends about the exact whereabouts of Essex. 21st June 2013: That was a good day!
Put the internet to work for you.
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