For about a year I've been considering divorcing my wife of nearly 8 years. Our relationship has never been great. We are great friends, but horrible lovers/spouses. We do things together, travel, talk about life/politics/news/etc with no problem. But out marriage and love life seem to be on autopilot. We started dating in college (approx. 15 years ago) after I "rescued" her from her boyfriend at the time who didn't respect her. Mistake #1. After about a year we started living together out of convenience (both needed a roommate).
We lived together for a couple years before getting engaged. Looking back we got engaged primarily because she was pressuring me to get her a ring since all of our friends were doing the same. Mistake #2. We were engaged for just over a year before we were married.
I have always done more work in the relationship. Cleaning up around the house, doing laundry, taking care of the kids/pets (we have 2 of each)...basically doing whatever needs to be done. Until I threatened to leave she basically sat around and let me do almost everything. She would sit on the couch and watch reruns on TV while I worked the night away after a full day at my job. When our kids were born she experienced post-partum depression, which meant I went from doing most of the work to all of the work. I did whatever I could to make life easier for her. She sought treatment, got better for awhile and then slipped back to the depression.
Our sex life has never been good. We waited until we were married and it's just never been good. Mistake #3. She never initiated, never participated in foreplay and just laid there while I did the deed. Until I threatened to leave her she was never willing to try anything except plain vanilla sex. We have discussed this many times over the years with no change.
She constantly needs reassurance that she is doing the right thing...being a good person. She stresses out over fitting in, her job, her friends, her family, everything... I never have had the same support, or much of any support. No loving hugs at random times. Little notes or texts saying she's thinking of me. Everything seems to be a routine and there for convenience. My wife suffers from both post-partum depression, imposter syndrome and major self esteem issues.
Imposter syndrome prevents my wife from accepting that she is successful, beautiful...basically any good achievements. Everything is passed off as necessary (compliments), luck (successes), deceiving (being good at her job, a good mother, etc.).
Many of the problems with our marriage are directly due to these mental illnesses. The problem I have is that any issue that I bring up is immediately written off as "due to my depression/self esteem/imposter syndrome". I'm starting to feel like I'm the bad guy because of this. I basically gave up my own happiness to support my wife. "In sickness and health, in good times and bad..." is thrown in my face pretty regularly.
About 8 months ago I got fed up and told her I was considering divorce and laid out all of the issues. Her not doing her fair share of work, horrible sex, lack of love in the relationship, feeling like I was just there to take care of everyone else. We started going to therapy (which hasn't helped our marriage at all...she is seeing the therapist for her depression on the side) and she has made changes, but I still am not happy. There are numerous things she does that drive me insane. She leaves lights on, and then complains that our electric bill is high. She never cleans up after herself...use a cup? Just leave it wherever you finish with it. Use a tissue in the middle of the night? Just drop it on the floor next to the bed. Trash can full? Just keep adding more trash to it.
We barely touch each other at this point. For 8 years we had the obligatory good morning, good bye, good night kisses and hugs. I have no urge to touch her now let alone kiss her. I do have some love for her that I know will never go away. She is the mother of my children and I will always be thankful for her being a great pregnant woman.
I am emotionally drained at this point. I feel like I can't talk to her. I don't know what to do at this point. I truly want to leave her. She blames everything on her depression and says she has changed and everything at this point is my fault. I don't see how we can ever be happy. I don't want to spend the rest of my life unhappy, doing everything I can to support my wife. But I am starting to feel bad for feeling this way, because it's not 100% her choice to act this way. She truly is sick. At the same time, the illnesses can't be consuming her totally, she has to still have some decision making ability. I worry what will happen if I leave her. I worry that she will totally decompensate and end up worse than she is...if I sleep in the spare bed, she refuses to sleep in "our" bed and moves to the couch. I then feel bad that she slept on the couch. The past year has totally wrecked me emotionally and I'm not sure how much more I can take myself.
We lived together for a couple years before getting engaged. Looking back we got engaged primarily because she was pressuring me to get her a ring since all of our friends were doing the same. Mistake #2. We were engaged for just over a year before we were married.
I have always done more work in the relationship. Cleaning up around the house, doing laundry, taking care of the kids/pets (we have 2 of each)...basically doing whatever needs to be done. Until I threatened to leave she basically sat around and let me do almost everything. She would sit on the couch and watch reruns on TV while I worked the night away after a full day at my job. When our kids were born she experienced post-partum depression, which meant I went from doing most of the work to all of the work. I did whatever I could to make life easier for her. She sought treatment, got better for awhile and then slipped back to the depression.
Our sex life has never been good. We waited until we were married and it's just never been good. Mistake #3. She never initiated, never participated in foreplay and just laid there while I did the deed. Until I threatened to leave her she was never willing to try anything except plain vanilla sex. We have discussed this many times over the years with no change.
She constantly needs reassurance that she is doing the right thing...being a good person. She stresses out over fitting in, her job, her friends, her family, everything... I never have had the same support, or much of any support. No loving hugs at random times. Little notes or texts saying she's thinking of me. Everything seems to be a routine and there for convenience. My wife suffers from both post-partum depression, imposter syndrome and major self esteem issues.
Imposter syndrome prevents my wife from accepting that she is successful, beautiful...basically any good achievements. Everything is passed off as necessary (compliments), luck (successes), deceiving (being good at her job, a good mother, etc.).
Many of the problems with our marriage are directly due to these mental illnesses. The problem I have is that any issue that I bring up is immediately written off as "due to my depression/self esteem/imposter syndrome". I'm starting to feel like I'm the bad guy because of this. I basically gave up my own happiness to support my wife. "In sickness and health, in good times and bad..." is thrown in my face pretty regularly.
About 8 months ago I got fed up and told her I was considering divorce and laid out all of the issues. Her not doing her fair share of work, horrible sex, lack of love in the relationship, feeling like I was just there to take care of everyone else. We started going to therapy (which hasn't helped our marriage at all...she is seeing the therapist for her depression on the side) and she has made changes, but I still am not happy. There are numerous things she does that drive me insane. She leaves lights on, and then complains that our electric bill is high. She never cleans up after herself...use a cup? Just leave it wherever you finish with it. Use a tissue in the middle of the night? Just drop it on the floor next to the bed. Trash can full? Just keep adding more trash to it.
We barely touch each other at this point. For 8 years we had the obligatory good morning, good bye, good night kisses and hugs. I have no urge to touch her now let alone kiss her. I do have some love for her that I know will never go away. She is the mother of my children and I will always be thankful for her being a great pregnant woman.
I am emotionally drained at this point. I feel like I can't talk to her. I don't know what to do at this point. I truly want to leave her. She blames everything on her depression and says she has changed and everything at this point is my fault. I don't see how we can ever be happy. I don't want to spend the rest of my life unhappy, doing everything I can to support my wife. But I am starting to feel bad for feeling this way, because it's not 100% her choice to act this way. She truly is sick. At the same time, the illnesses can't be consuming her totally, she has to still have some decision making ability. I worry what will happen if I leave her. I worry that she will totally decompensate and end up worse than she is...if I sleep in the spare bed, she refuses to sleep in "our" bed and moves to the couch. I then feel bad that she slept on the couch. The past year has totally wrecked me emotionally and I'm not sure how much more I can take myself.
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