A year ago now, I came out of a real long term relationship. During the relationship, I remember spending almost every day with her, I devoted all of my time to her and tried as hard as I could to meet her requirements. I became distant from my friends, my family and to a certain extent to myself too. I completely lost the person who I once was. So, when the relationship ended, I got rid of absolutely everything that reminded me of her, anything that belonged to her and anything that related to her. I changed my number & my email address and made sure I completed wiped her out of my life. Naturally, the first few months were really hard, but I kept on going. It became easier and easier.
After a few months, two of the guys I used to be really close to me grew close again - and that's not because I went back, but we just randomly started talking again. After speaking with them for a few weeks I realised that I wasn't the guy they once new. I obviously try to bond in and I do so pretty well but I don't feel as comfortable with them as I once did. I can't open up to them, I can't be my absolute self because I don't actually know who to be.. if that makes sense. Every now and then they actually make me realise that they aren't really my friends. Things happen that just give me a reminder to not completely depend on them, not like I once did.
I know I'm fairly attractive, and I know I can get talking with a girl if I wanted to but I just don't. It's not a confidence thing with me, I can hold a conversation, I know how to treat a woman, I know how to make a woman smile & laugh and I know how to keep someone happy. Its just that, when I have spoken to a girl and the conversations extend from friendly chats to conversations that last a lot longer and mean a lot more, I just seem to back out. Not because I'm scared. Well, maybe because I am scared, but more so because I just have an extremely conservative approach towards relationships now. In my previous relationship, I gave her absolutely everything, and as bizarre as it sounds, that became the actual problem. She had this trait that complicated our relationship considerably - she always wanted more. So, this was my first relationship so naturally, I gave it 100%. Now, for a year or two it wasn't a problem but soon she started wanting more. She wanted more th an 100% which was physically impossible for me and that became a problem. Then I got all the "you've changed" bull****. Anyway, I don't really want to be speaking about my relationship here - I just said all of that to address the potential "if you can keep any woman happy then why did you break up". So, going back to my point above, I just seem to back off. I just feel as though I don't want someone to literally walk over me again.
But there is the problem
I miss having someone there, I miss having an other half, I miss being able to be me to someone, and being accepted for it. It doesn't bother me though, it doesn't bother me if no ones here for me - I know I'll survive. I'm really strong emotionally, I can go alone - I can go all the way. I can live without friends, I can live without someone being there for me - I've done it for so long in my life. Yeah, it'll be nice to have someone alongside me, whether that be a friend or someone that I'm seeing. But if not, it doesn't bother me.
The nights are the hardest, my days are pretty hectic, I have quite a few jobs, the world cup is on, I have a lot of things going for me, I go gym regularly etc. But when I lay in my bed, switch off the lights and try to sleep I just can't. I know I won't ever crack, I can't - I won't let it happen. But I find the nights to be so hard! I watch movies, play PS4, read a book - basically I do whatever I can to literally want to fall asleep but when I lay there for a second, no matter how tired I am - I'll begin to feel.. well something. Something negative, something that makes me upset. Something that really ruins my mood. Something that makes my heart feel heavy. Something that doesn't let me get out of bed in the morning. Something that's makes me think "what do I do now?". Something that makes me curl up in bed & feel numb or to an extent.. non-existent.. where you're sort of in a mid dream. Something that makes your chest feel lighter than it should. Something that makes you feel the tears that you've never allowed to roll down your face. Just.. something.
This feeling doesn't seem to leave me alone. It ruins my sleep at times, it can even ruin my mood randomly.
I don't expect this to be read at all.. its way too long, but it'll be nice if it is read. I don't expect any replies here but a reply would be nice. I don't even expect this to be understood by anyone. How can anyone understand this when not even I do? I've probably contradicted myself quite a lot above anyway! I just see it as means to vocalise some of feelings that I feel encapsulated by.
Thank you to anyone who does read this x
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